


i know your soul; i'll be your home

by fir8008



Series: give the bruises out like gifts [9]
Category: JBJ (Band), Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Ambiguous Relationships, Getting Together, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-01-30 08:50:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 42,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12650211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fir8008/pseuds/fir8008
Summary: Sangbin didn't ask to spend his summer around this many peopleOr, Sangbin is afraid of commitment the same way Jaechan is afraid of intimacy





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Hello! Oh look a summer fic in November. Just goes to show how long this has been in my wips folder. I'm seriously playing with fire taking on a multi-chapter fic when I'm like super swamped with schoolwork but I will somewhat promise that you won't have to wait too long for the updates. 
> 
> Anywho, I'm going to be mad at MNet forever for cutting all the Sangbin and Jaechan interactions (see because of that you probably didn't even think this was a ship) 
> 
> This is the first of the come on skinny love sequel/spin offs, and I don't really think you need to have read any of the fics in the series beforehand to understand this one. And this focuses on Sangbin! I think this chapter can be understood as a sort of prologue, and this will move a little more in the next chapter. 
> 
> This is rated M for language, brief sexual content (nothing is going to get too explicit), and some of the things to come in later chapters. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!! 
> 
> Title comes from Birdy's "Keeping Your Head Up"

Sangbin spends the second day of his summer vacation in an enclosed paintball course because what else would Insoo want to do on a blisteringly hot and humid day in mid June? 

Sangbin had been feeling pretty rotten about not getting his summer job back until he realized that as long as he was a bit thrifty, he could actually spend his summer relaxing instead of serving irate caffeine deprived office workers coffee for hours on end, so he quickly got over his disappointment. Sangbin spent the first day of his summer vacation the way he wanted to - at home, in bed, with a fan pointed at him as he lounged around not doing much of anything. He finally cracked open one of the poetry books he had picked up at the beginning of the spring semester but promptly abandoned because he had to focus on his classes. The only thing that could have made yesterday better was getting laid, but since that demanded Sangbin leave his apartment and he didn’t want to, it was something he just had to opt out of. 

This morning, which now felt like a very long time ago, had Insoo calling him and asking if Sangbin wanted to join a group of them going paintballing. Gunmin was apparently working at a paintball course as a promotional manager, so he had gifted Hwanwoong a stack of coupons and special offer flyers and asked him to use them and tell whoever was manning the rental desk that Gunmin had sent them. It was pretty cheap to go, and Sangbin had nothing better to do so he had agreed. 

What a fucking mistake. 

Sangbin should have known the day would only spiral downwards into misery the second he saw Jaechan arrive with someone who was not Kim Taedong, but was instead Kim Donghan, who Sangbin up until then didn’t know well enough to have any hard or fast opinions about. But when Kim Donghan had near launched himself at Kenta to give him a hug, that was when Sangbin decided that he thought Donghan was the biggest dumbass he had ever met. 

“And how do you know each other?” Insoo’s mood had turned on a dime, expression immediately darkening with jealousy. Sangbin probably would’ve been alarmed at how quickly Insoo’s mood could sour if it wasn’t so routine. 

Donghan had answered without taking his hands off of Kenta once, which only further infuriated Insoo, explaining that Kenta had given him a tour of the graduate center when Donghan had visited. 

“Really? Hyung, you didn’t tell me your graduate center had such a good dance program,” Insoo had said icily. 

“You have never expressed an interest in getting a master’s degree,” Kenta returned, equally frosty. 

Insoo had only grown more irate by the time Hwanwoong and one of his roommates arrived with their stack of coupons and they were able to go into the paintball course. Insoo, in his cranky mood, demanded to be the one to split their group into teams. 

Which leads Sangbin to where he finds himself now, crouching behind a fake wall with Insoo, both clutching paintball guns, being hunted by Eunki and Jaechan. They ended up here because Insoo had gone on a tear and exacted his one-sided revenge on Donghan by shooting him full of paintballs. This attack had prompted Donghan’s teammates to retaliate. Hwanwoong’s gangly roommate, Geonhee, had gone down first, simply because he was such a big target. Hwanwoong had made the mistake of trying to help Geonhee and been nailed himself. Sangbin was able to even the teams back out by picking off Kenta from relative safety, but Insoo’s haphazard firing had gotten them stuck behind the same wall as Jaechan and Eunki began to corner them. 

“Insane,” Sangbin mumbles. “You’re completely fucking insane.” 

“Speak up, Sangbin,” Insoo seethes. “I’m having trouble hearing you over your raging hard on for Yoon Jaechan.” 

Sangbin startles. “What the fuck did you just say?” 

Insoo flicks hair out of his eyes. “You heard me.”

“Just give up,” Jaechan yells to them, voice wobbling cutely as he tries to sound tough. “If you surrender, I won’t shoot you anywhere it hurts.” 

“Get fucked, fuckface!” Insoo yells. “Go choke on a fat dick!” 

Sangbin punches Insoo in the ribs. “Have you completely lost it?” he hisses. 

“Just ask him out,” Insoo says, rubbing his side. “Stop being a pansy and get over your fear of commitment.” 

“I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.” 

“You’ve been staring at him all day. Undressing him with your eyes. Really, Sangbin? Jaechannie? Our baby?” 

“Okay, Mother Eunki,” Sangbin snaps. “But I still don’t know what you’re on about.”

“Do I look like Hong Eunki to you?” 

Sangbin considers. “No, you don’t. If you looked like Hong Eunki you might actually be attractive.” 

“Oh, suck my ass.” 

Sangbin squeezes the back of Insoo’s thigh hard. “I’d love to,” he leers. “Call over your boyfriend so he can watch me make you scream.” 

Sangbin gets elbowed in the throat for that, and Sangbin will admit he absolutely deserves it, but the noise he makes prompts another round of firing so he and Insoo have to retreat behind a different wall. They’re good and cornered now. 

“You’re insane,” Sangbin repeats, rubbing his throat. “What crawled up your ass?” 

“Donghan was rubbing himself all over my man,” Insoo sniffs. “I had to teach him a lesson.” 

Sangbin rolls his eyes. “I can’t deal with you. This is why I never wanted to get too involved with you and your trust issues.” 

Insoo glares at him. “You can drop dead too.” 

“Have you ever thought that relationships that start with dirty back alley fucks just aren’t supposed to last forever?” 

Insoo points his paintball gun straight at Sangbin. “You better shut the fuck up,” he snarls. 

“Ooh, that touched a nerve, didn’t it?” Sangbin smirks. “You and he can pretend like that’s not how it started but you’re just lying to yourselves.” 

Insoo’s eyes are completely devoid of any emotion as he pushes the barrel of his paintball gun flush between Sangbin’s legs. “What are you…?” 

And unloads his entire clip up against Sangbin’s balls. 

Sangbin imagines what happens next must involve Insoo stealing Sangbin’s paintball gun, running out from behind the wall, shooting at Eunki and Jaechan with abandon hoping to hit one of them before being hit. A buzzer goes off to indicate the end of the game and it only takes a minute for everyone to gather around where Sangbin has been left for dead, hunched over and clutching between his legs, delirious with pain, conscious only of the fact that if he survives, he’ll be washing paint out of his pubes for a good month. 

Hwanwoong is loudly complaining about Insoo’s betrayal and how if Insoo hadn’t taken Sangbin out with friendly fire, their team would have won. Sangbin can’t believe his balls have exploded but Hwanwoong cares more about the results of this stupid barbaric game. 

Jaechan kneels by his side and rests his hand on the back of Sangbin’s sweaty neck. “Are you okay, Sangbin hyung?” 

“No,” Sangbin answers, voice coming out high and strangled. 

“That hyung won’t be able to procreate,” Hwanwoong says and Insoo mutters something that sounds a lot like “good.” 

Jaechan is petting the back of Sangbin’s neck and Sangbin wishes he wouldn’t. His balls are in too much pain to let the rest of his setup get excited by the intimacy of Jaechan’s touch. Sangbin can’t guess how Insoo has caught on to Sangbin’s staring, but he’s not wrong that Sangbin may or may not have been undressing Jaechan with his eyes. Jaechan is a pretty boy and he’s exactly Sangbin’s type. Sangbin might admit it to Insoo later, but he’s staring because lately he’s been wondering what it would be like to get Jaechan into bed, Eunki’s previous threats about protecting Jaechan’s virtue be damned. For all Sangbin cares, Eunki can skip ahead and rip Sangbin’s balls off right now because he doubts he’d be able to feel it because they’re in so much pain they’ve gone numb.

“Can you stand?” Jaechan asks. 

“Give me a fucking second,” Sangbin groans. 

Sangbin eventually staggers to his feet and lives to regret it once they’re squashed into a booth not meant for eight people, Insoo everything but subtle when he hip checks Jaechan into Sangbin so Sangbin has to catch Jaechan to keep him from falling down. Sangbin glares but Insoo just sniffs at him indignantly as he slides into the booth beside Eunki. Sangbin ends up on Insoo’s other side with Jaechan squeezing in on the end. Across from Sangbin is Hwanwoong, who is looking ambivalently over at Donghan who still has his arm around Kenta’s shoulders. Insoo’s expression is sour again. If looks could kill, Insoo has murdered Donghan at least seventy four times in increasingly bloody fashion and the fact Donghan still hasn’t caught on is just a testament to what a oblivious fucking idiot this kid must be. Even Geonhee has caught on. 

“Is your friend okay?” Geonhee asks quietly.

“Please don’t ask,” Hwanwoong grumbles.

“Can you please stop glaring at him?” Eunki whispers to Insoo. 

“I’ll stop when he gets his grubby paws off of my man,” Insoo retorts, eyes never leaving Donghan’s face. 

If Insoo decides to stab Donghan with his chopsticks, Sangbin is inclined to look away and call it survival of the fittest. 

“We all know each other right?” Eunki asks, trying to relieve the tense atmosphere. “Donghan, have you met Sangbin hyung before?” 

“Maybe, once,” Donghan answers. “You know Choi Dongha right?” 

“I hope so,” Sangbin can’t help but be a little sarcastic. “I live with him.” 

Eunki is probably glaring at him for following Insoo’s example, but Donghan is as equally oblivious to Sangbin’s sarcasm as he is to Insoo’s murderous intent. “Yeah, we must’ve met once through him.” Donghan tilts his head curiously. “But I never see you around, you must not be in dance or music, I guess. What do you study, Sangbin hyung?” 

Sangbin decides against telling Donghan to not call him hyung, because they’re not that close and Sangbin doesn’t want to be, and instead just brusquely answers, “Literature.” 

“Yeah but your concentration is fucking poetry… Oww!” Sangbin stomps on Insoo’s foot and Insoo shoots up from the table and shoves him. “You’re such a fucking bitch,” he spits. 

“Please calm down,” Eunki implores. 

“Move,” Insoo barks, “I’m not sitting in this booth.” 

“Please continue acting like a baby,” Sangbin drawls, uninterested in Insoo’s temper tantrum. “That’s always an attractive trait.” 

“Go choke,” Insoo snaps. 

“I didn’t know you were studying literature, hyung,” Jaechan says quickly, trying to change the topic. “That’s kind of romantic. A lot of girls must like that.” 

“Kid,” Insoo rolls his eyes as he pushes past them to get out of the booth. “I don’t know how to tell you, but Sangbin likes cock.” 

“You just said it like it was nothing,” Eunki groans as Jaechan’s face rapidly turns bright red. 

“You’re just telling all my secrets today, aren’t you?” Sangbin growls.

“Eat shit,” Insoo says primly. “What’s your face for, Hwanwoong, you knew that hyung was gay.” 

“I did not!” Hwanwoong sputters. 

“How did you not?” Eunki asks. “We’ve been to gay bars together.” 

“What were you doing in a gay bar?” Geonhee asks Hwanwoong. 

“But I didn’t think he was actually… I thought… because we went to an all boys’ school!” Hwanwoong sputters. “So you were just… there!” 

“Do you really think I would give my virginity to someone pretending… oh fuck,” Insoo is turning red too. 

“Oh, you’re a fucking moron,” Sangbin groans. “You don’t know when to shut up, do you?” 

“Don’t call me a fucking moron, you’re a fucking moron,” Insoo says hotly. 

“You’re insane,” Sangbin rolls his eyes. “Totally insane.” When he looks across the table, Kenta is giving him a dirty look, though Sangbin can’t figure out why. Kenta should be giving Insoo that look for making a scene. 

“I think we should do something else,” Eunki suggests. 

They end up agreeing, since clearly this building is cursed, and decide to go somewhere else. It’s only gotten hotter in the late afternoon and Jaechan suggests getting ice cream and Eunki squishes his face and coos about how their baby is so smart which only makes Jaechan squirm and complain about getting patronized. Ice cream seems to lift everyone’s mood, except Insoo’s, who continues to sulk as he watches Kenta and Donghan chat. Sangbin chooses to ignore him in favor of watching Jaechan eating his ice cream and possibly thinking dirty things. 

Insoo pokes his hand. “What?” 

“Hold this.” 

Sangbin takes the popsicle stick Insoo’s already scraped clean and then can’t look away when Insoo sidles up to Kenta and says, “Hyung, I want to try your ice cream,” and proceeds to all but deep throat Kenta’s popsicle while maintaining direct eye contact with Donghan. Sangbin isn’t sure if he wants to record Hwanwoong and Geonhee’s dropped jaws or watch Eunki scramble to cover Jaechan’s eyes or cover his own eyes because Sangbin can tolerate a lot but that was just lewd. Sangbin still can’t look away from Insoo’s shameless smirk and Kenta’s horrified expression and Donghan’s slightly flustered face. Insoo licks his lips and that’s when Sangbin actually does look away because he’s embarrassed by how shamelessly Insoo is acting. “Hyung,” Insoo simpers. “I like the taste of your ice cream the most.” 

Yes, waking up and agreeing to coming out today was a huge mistake.

“Insoo!” Kenta snaps. 

Insoo feigns innocence. “Yes, hyung?” 

Kenta sighs heavily and scowls. “We’re going to talk about this at home,” he mutters. 

Insoo just continues smirking as he rests his chin on Kenta’s shoulder and gloats, continuing to stare down Donghan with a triumphant look. Sangbin thinks Insoo must assume he’s won something, except almost all of the fights Insoo gets into are one-sided and the other person doesn’t even know the fight is happening. 

Hwanwoong and Geonhee noisily declare they need to leave lest Gunmin start texting them complaining about the sanctity of dorm dinners and how they were required to attend even if they spoiled their appetites with ice cream (and, Sangbin presumes, Insoo’s antics) so they quickly scurry off. Jaechan leaves next, saying he has plans to meet Taedong and Eunki offers to walk with him, thus leaving the unhappy couple, Donghan, and Sangbin. 

“I have to piss,” Sangbin announces, dumping the remnants of his and Insoo’s ice creams in a garbage can and stalking back into the shop to go to the bathroom. Donghan is unfortunately following him and Sangbin just sighs. 

When Sangbin is washing his hands, Donghan speaks. “Hey, hyung, can I ask you something?” 

“What?” Sangbin grunts. 

“Is Insoo…” 

“Pissed at you? Yes.” 

“Huh? No… is he trying to flirt with me? Because I know he’s kind of forward but…” 

“God and Buddha,” Sangbin groans. “You are so tall and you’re so pretty,” Donghan beams, “but you are so fucking stupid.” 

Donghan’s face falls in an instant. “Huh?” 

“I’m going home.” Sangbin announces as brushes past Insoo and Kenta, storming out. “I’m leaving.” 

“Bye, hyung,” Insoo says over his shoulder as he latches onto Kenta’s arm. 

Sangbin gets back to his apartment and starts peeling off his clothes on his way to his room, ready for his day to be over. 

“Hey, hyung,” Dongha calls from the kitchen. “How was your day?” 

“Nightmare,” Sangbin grunts as he strips off his shirt. 

“Oh, sorry.” Dongha says. “Chan said he was out tonight and might come home really late so if you’re up and hear the door, it’s him.” 

“Okay,” Sangbin sighs. “As long as he doesn’t bring anybody home.”

“House rules,” Dongha echoes indignantly. 

Sangbin could roll his eyes because it’s not like any of them are assholes. They agreed they could live together in this tiny apartment with thin walls because they respected each other’s space and privacy and bringing home strangers to bang was not polite in such cramped quarters. They’d never had a problem.

Sangbin takes a shower and sighs at the dribbles of paint running down his legs and the red welts and bruises covering his inner thighs and how it probably looks like a disease. The only good thing is that Sangbin is so thoroughly exhausted by everyone’s bullshit he falls asleep without any problems.

 

But Sangbin wakes up to repeat his mistakes, since he obviously didn’t learn his lesson or is a glutton for punishment, because when Eunki calls him the next day asking if he wants to go with them to see a movie, Sangbin agrees. It’s the same ill-fated group as yesterday, and Sangbin notices that Insoo’s mood hasn’t improved from yesterday and he and Kenta snipe at each other when they think no one is listening. Donghan remains ever oblivious as he leans all over Kenta and Insoo is openly seething.

Insoo and Sangbin trail behind the rest, watching how Donghan walks so closely to Kenta their shoulders keep bumping. Insoo is glaring at them but Sangbin is so used to it that it barely fazes him. Insoo is like this and that’s why Sangbin could never entertain wanting him as anything more than a friend and occasional fuck buddy, though they haven’t fucked since high school. 

“This is why I don’t date seriously,” Sangbin says dryly. “I’m worried I’ll end up like you. This crazily possessive.”

“Sure, hyung.” Insoo bites out. “Please tell yourself anything to pretend you’re not a pansy that’s afraid of commitment.” 

“I am not afraid of commitment.” Sangbin snorts. “What gave you that idea?”

“I figured out your type, by the way,” Insoo ignores him. 

“I’ve told you what my type is,” Sangbin says. “I like them pretty. That’s why you’re not my type.” 

Insoo ignores that too. “Not just pretty, you like it more if you’re their first, right?” 

“Why do you care?” Sangbin bristles and Insoo smirks because he knows he touched a nerve. “We don’t fool around anymore. You got all lame and settled down.” 

“You’re just jealous,” Insoo snorts. “But really? You like Jaechannie that much?” 

Sangbin continues to bristle. “If you’re going to threaten me, you’ll have to get creative. Eunki already did it months ago.”

“Threaten? I don’t really care if you do or you don’t,” Insoo shrugs. “But three years is a lot.” 

“Isn’t your boyfriend three years older than you?” Sangbin challenges. 

“That’s different.” 

“Sure. That’s why you’ve been bitching at each other since yesterday, right?” 

“Also different.” 

“Whatever you say, Insoo,” Sangbin rolls his eyes. “I stand by what I said. You’re forcing something to stay together that shouldn’t be.” Insoo glowers but Sangbin continues. “He knows, doesn’t he? That I was your first?” 

“Yes, he knows,” Insoo says. “Why?” 

“If he knows, why did he give me a dirty look when you said it?”

“Because of you I was airing all of our dirty laundry.” 

“Sure, blame me,” Sangbin sighs. “Like I said. If you start with fucking in the alley behind a nightclub, where do you expect to end up?” 

Insoo is scowling. “I’ll finish the job and make it so you’ll never be able to use your dick again.”

They reach the movie theater so Sangbin doesn’t have to grace Insoo with any sort of response. Sangbin isn’t even paying much attention to the movie, finding himself more interested in why Jaechan can’t maintain eye contact with him and how his cheeks turn pink when their eyes meet. Insoo’s crankiness again dictates their seating order, so Sangbin ends up at the end of a row beside Jaechan, who fidgets in his seat and jumps whenever their arms accidentally brush when they both try to use the armrest. 

Sangbin isn’t terribly interested in the movie because he torrented it with Dongha and Chan ages ago, it’s an American film that’s been playing in subtitled theaters for a while now, so Sangbin just tries to comfort poor Jaechan who keeps wincing and covering his eyes at all the gore on the screen. 

Sangbin lets the movie wind down, because his friends insist there will be a short clip after the credits even though Sangbin knows there’s not, before turning his head to ask if Jaechan is okay, but when he does all he feels is Jaechan’s lips on his own, kissing him. Jaechan pulls away and Sangbin’s a little bit stunned. He wants to ask what the hell that was, but Jaechan leans in quickly for another kiss, his teeth catching on Sangbin’s lower lip. Sangbin is acutely aware the credits are over and that the movie theater lights are going to turn on soon and that in about two minutes everyone is going to see his raging hard on and the redness in his face so he reaches down to adjust himself and makes a note to corner Jaechan and question him later. 

Cornering Jaechan takes less than anticipated, with their group dispersing peacefully after the movie, and Sangbin and Jaechan walk in the same direction home so they end up falling into stride together. When they reach Jaechan’s boarding house, he looks at Sangbin shyly. “Do you want to come in?” Sangbin nods and follows him, glancing over the place. It’s a lot like the boarding house he used to live in, it’s a lot cleaner and nicer, but maybe back in the day Sangbin was just really cheap. 

Jaechan’s room is small and cluttered, he looks a little flustered that Sangbin is seeing it so messy. Sangbin doesn’t really care about the rest of the room because the bed is clear and that’s where Sangbin is interested in staying. When Jaechan locks his door, Sangbin corners him against it; Jaechan squeaks nervously. 

“I’m going to assume you invited me in for a certain reason,” Sangbin says. Jaechan’s gotten taller than him. Kids, these days. 

Jaechan bites his lip. “I did.” 

“And what reason would that be?” 

Jaechan’s blushing. Sangbin thinks he’s pretty when he’s all red. “Ahh… are you really going to make me say it? You know why…” 

“I think I want to hear you say it,” Sangbin says. 

Jaechan looks away. “I want you to spend the night.” 

“Oh?” Sangbin grins. “Like a sleepover? Do you want me to sleep over, Jaechannie?” 

Jaechan whines softly. “Hyung, you know exactly what I mean.” 

Sangbin carefully drags his thumb across Jaechan’s lower lip. Jaechan’s breath hitches so sweetly. “I still want you to say it. Just so I know we’re on the same page.” 

Jaechan looks at him shyly. “I want to sleep with you.” 

Sangbin lifts Jaechan up, hands under his thighs, pressing him against the door, and Jaechan squeals again as he wraps his legs around Sangbin’s waist and his arms around Sangbin’s shoulders to balance himself. “That’s music to my ears,” Sangbin mumbles and kisses Jaechan, pressing Jaechan against the door with the strength of his hips so he can rake his hands through Jaechan’s hair as he kisses him roughly, nipping at Jaechan’s lips with his teeth, drinking in the sound of Jaechan’s shallow breaths before Sangbin pulls away. He tilts his hips forward trying to keep Jaechan balanced against the door as he strips off his shirt. 

“Oh, hyung, that was cool,” Jaechan says, putting his arms back around Sangbin’s bare shoulders. “You’re strong.”

Sangbin snorts as he carries Jaechan and drops him onto his bed. Jaechan props himself up on his elbows. “Wait, hyung, I don’t have any…” 

“I do,” Sangbin replies. “In my wallet.” 

Jaechan’s blushing again as Sangbin unbuckles his belt and unzips his fly. Sangbin eases himself out of his jeans, leaving him in just his boxers as he leans over the bed and catches Jaechan in another kiss. Sangbin strokes the base of Jaechan’s throat and listens to how he whimpers into the touch. “You’re so pretty,” Sangbin praises. “So pretty.” He pulls away again, sliding off his boxers.

Jaechan is staring, face bright red, blush traveling down his neck. Sangbin’s curious to see how far down that blush goes, and if he can make Jaechan any redder. His dick twitches at the thought. He thinks Jaechan must be soft and delicate and how delicious it will be to be the one to touch him first. 

“Wait, hyung,” Jaechan says as Sangbin reaches for the hem of his shirt. “Wait a minute.” 

“What’s up?” Sangbin asks, letting go of Jaechan’s shirt. 

“Maybe we shouldn’t,” Jaechan says hastily. 

“What is it?” Sangbin asks. “Did you change your mind? It’s fine if you did...” 

“It’s not that,” Jaechan says quickly. “I want to but,” Jaechan glances down and back up again. “But you’re…” His face is so red as he rushes his words out. “You’re going to rip me in half with that!” 

Sangbin laughs. “If you say things like that to me,” he says, pecking Jaechan’s lips. “You’re going to make me feel too good about myself.” 

“I’m serious!” Jaechan yelps. “That’s really going to hurt!” 

“I could be gentle with you, you know,” Sangbin says. “But if you don’t want to, we won’t.” 

“I’m sorry,” Jaechan whispers. 

“Don’t be,” Sangbin says, pulling his boxers back on. “I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to. You still want me to stay over?” 

“Yes,” Jaechan says meekly. “Please.”

Sangbin raises an eyebrow. “You gonna sleep in your jeans?” 

Jaechan blushes. “Don’t look at me when I’m changing clothes.” 

“We have all the same stuff, you know,” Sangbin muses, but he looks away. 

Jaechan shuffles back onto his bed a bit awkwardly as Sangbin loops an arm around his waist and rests his head against Jaechan’s shoulder. Jaechan shifts back and forth, trying to get comfortable. 

“You’re really going to rub your ass on me all night?” 

“Sorry!” Jaechan tries to squirm away. 

“I’m teasing you,” Sangbin pulls Jaechan closer, so their bodies are flush together. “Just teasing,” Sangbin repeats. Jaechan smells nice. “Do you want me to do something else? Touch you somewhere?” 

“No,” Jaechan says softly. “I’m fine, hyung. I’m sorry.” He looks over his shoulder, still flushed. “Do you want me to… I can feel you…” 

Sangbin shrugs. “I’m fine too, kid.” He nuzzles into Jaechan’s neck. “Just sleep.” 

 

Sangbin wakes up to his phone vibrating on the floor and he rolls half out of Jaechan’s bed to pick it up. Jaechan is still half asleep and (adorably) reaches for Sangbin when he moves away and curls up on his chest. 

It’s Insoo. Sangbin groans. “What the hell. It’s so early.” 

“Where are you?”

“Why?” 

“Oh my god. Kim Sangbin. You went home with some slut.” 

Sangbin looks down at Jaechan, who is fast asleep again. “No.” 

“You did. Oh my god. You’re such a slut.” 

“I thought I went home with one.” Sangbin rubs his face. He can feel his stubble. “What do you want?” 

“Come to the cafe. I’m bored.” 

“No.” 

“Go suck a dick.” 

“Maybe I will,” Sangbin hangs up and tosses his phone back on the floor, resting his head on Jaechan’s. Jaechan looks sweet when he’s sleeping and Sangbin feels a bit fond looking at him. Sangbin will not own up to that being a scary thought, because doing that would mean Insoo is right about him being afraid of commitment, which he’s not. Sangbin just hasn’t met anyone he’s wanted something long term with, that’s all. Anyway, Insoo has been hung up on the same guy for years but in Sangbin’s opinion, Kenta never looked terribly interested, or at the very least seemed pretty indifferent to how clingy Insoo was and how badly he needed to be reassured. (Sangbin will also vehemently deny that he cares at all about Insoo like that.)

Jaechan stirs awake a little later, blinking sand out of his eyes and rubbing his cheek against Sangbin’s chest. That fond feeling is back again as Sangbin brushes Jaechan’s hair out of his face. “Morning.” 

“Morning, hyung,” Jaechan yawns. “Were you on the phone before?” 

“Yeah. Insoo called me.” 

“What did Insoo hyung want?” 

“He wanted me to come to the cafe his boyfriend works at because he’s bored.” 

“We can go,” Jaechan says amiably. “I like it there.” 

Sangbin suppresses a groan, because he had no desire to go, but Jaechan is sitting up and stretching so Sangbin doesn’t have much of a choice. 

“Do you want to shower together?” Sangbin asks lazily. 

Jaechan turns bright red. “Hyung, we can’t, it’s a communal bathroom!” 

Sangbin laughs. “I’m teasing you again.”

Jaechan leaves to wash his face while Sangbin pulls his clothes back on, not caring that they’re rumpled or that Insoo will know he didn’t go home. Insoo already assumes the worst about Sangbin, so it doesn’t matter.

 

Insoo is sitting by himself in his usual window seat and makes a big show of raising his eyebrows at Sangbin and Jaechan entering together. Sangbin decides to ignore him as they sit down. 

“I thought you weren’t coming,” Insoo sniffs. 

“Jaechannie wanted to come,” Sangbin answers. 

A waiter comes to their table and Sangbin vaguely recognizes him. Insoo glares at him as he orders his coffee and Sangbin notices Kenta is behind the counter, which means that they’re still having a fight. Sangbin doesn’t really want to know but Insoo will probably volunteer that information anyway. 

“So why did you two come together?” Insoo asks over the rim of his mug, eyeing Sangbin. 

“You know we live close together,” Sangbin retorts. 

“I know,” Insoo says, “but you don’t usually meet like this.” 

“Sangbin hyung told me you were here but didn’t want to go, but I wanted to,” Jaechan says. “So he came with me.”

Insoo sniffs. “I don’t think I like this arrangement,” he points at Sangbin. “My baby deserves better than you.” 

Jaechan is red. “Ah, hyung, it isn’t like that…” 

“I don’t think I like your boyfriend,” Sangbin says and Insoo’s eyes widen. 

“Hyung,” Jaechan mumbles. 

“Jaechannie, you didn’t get anything to eat.” Insoo says sharply. “Maybe you should.” 

Sangbin sighs as he fishes his credit card out of his pocket and hands it to Jaechan. “Go ahead. Hyung will treat you.” He offers Jaechan a smile so Jaechan gets up reluctantly. 

“I didn’t ask you what you thought about my boyfriend,” Insoo snarls the moment Jaechan is out of earshot. 

“I didn’t ask you what you thought of me being interested in Jaechan,” Sangbin returns. “You mind your own business and I’ll mind my own business.” 

“I mean it,” Insoo snaps. “I don’t like this. You’re playing, aren’t you? You just want to fuck and you’ll be over him, won’t you?” 

“What’s it to you?” Sangbin grunts. “It’s not your business.” 

“We’re friends,” Insoo says. “I’m your friend first but I mean it, if you do your regular hit it and quit it routine you’re going to answer to me.” 

“Yeah, you and Eunki and probably ten other people.” 

Insoo grinds his teeth. “Jaechannie is a sweet kid,” he says. “Don’t play with his feelings.”

“He’s a sweet kid that’s why you told him to choke on a fat dick yesterday.” 

“Pay attention to what I’m telling you. Don’t play games with him.”

“I’m not going to,” Sangbin snaps. 

“I don’t believe you,” Insoo huffs. 

Jaechan returns so it ends the conversation, and Jaechan looks nervously between them. Insoo eventually gets up saying he needs to use the bathroom and Jaechan turns to him. 

“Hyung, you didn’t mean it, did you? About not liking Kenta hyung?” Jaechan bites his lip when Sangbin raises an eyebrow. “Kenta hyung is a really nice hyung. Insoo hyung really loves him.”

Sangbin shrugs. “Sure, I wasn’t being serious.” Sangbin leans in, “you’ve got something there,” and catches Jaechan’s lips in a kiss. When he pulls away, Jaechan’s cheeks are flushed and Insoo is glaring at them from where he’s leaning across the counter grumbling to Kenta. Sangbin wraps an arm around Jaechan’s waist and pulls him closer and stubbornly doesn’t care what Insoo thinks.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sangbin doesn't know what he wants 
> 
> (and Jaechan blushes the whole chapter)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello! I adhered to my personal update schedule and have managed to update again in a week! Thank you so much to all those who left comments and kudos last chapter, I was really happy to see them! 
> 
> I had an outline for this fic but I totally disregarded it, and you might have noticed the total chapter count moved from 4 to 5, just because I thought everyone needed a little more development before it moves where I want it to go. I also think I wrote about half this chapter in a trance, but I've done some of my best playwriting in a trance so ya'll have to tell me if that also applies to fic writing heehee. 
> 
> There are bits of text messages in this chapter, because apparently I didn't get all the chatfic out of my system.
> 
> There is some sexual content in this chapter as well.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Taedong uses the urinal right beside Sangbin and Sangbin finds this disturbing, because it breaks every code of conduct he can think of, and Taedong is taller than him he could be looking over at Sangbin taking a piss for all he knows, but in reality it’s just a power move. When Sangbin is washing his hands, Taedong asks him, while drying off his own hands, “You still have a motorcycle, right?” Sangbin says he does and then Taedong has him cornered against the sink, chest to chest, and it’s a good thing they’re in a bathroom because Sangbin thinks he’s going to lose his bowels in fear. 

“If I find out you put one hand on Jaechan,” Taedong’s voice is low and rumbling and it sends chills down Sangbin’s spine. “I am going to run you over with your own motorcycle over and over until you’re in separate halves. Do you understand?” 

Sangbin can only nod. Eunki is overprotective and Insoo is crazy, but Taedong is the worst mix of the two and he’s so attached to Jaechan that it makes Sangbin question a lot about their relationship. Taedong steps away and leaves the bathroom, leaving Sangbin alone to collect himself. He’s gotten all pale and sweaty and he splashes water on his face trying to calm down. Technically, he’s already done what Taedong has forbade him to do, so Taedong should be on his way to steal Sangbin’s motorcycle right now. 

They’re at this stupid paintball course again and Sangbin bows out of the next game because Sangbin does not want to be filled with more paintballs than necessary. Jaechan also bows out and Taedong and Insoo glare at Sangbin witheringly. They go to sit in the balcony overlooking the course, watching their friends stalk around shooting paintballs at one another. 

“I didn’t know you were that type,” Sangbin says. Jaechan looks at him oddly. “I didn’t know that you and Taedong were together. Is that why you suddenly changed your mind after inviting me to your room?” 

“What are you talking about?” Jaechan suddenly turns pale. “Taedong hyung and I are just friends. What did he say to you? I’m not like that, I wouldn’t…” 

“Woah, woah,” Sangbin turns to look at Jaechan. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m sorry. Shit. I’m sorry. You don’t have to get so upset.” Sangbin feels a little guilty looking at Jaechan’s face. “I’m sorry.” 

“Hyung and I are just friends,” Jaechan repeats. “I’m sorry if he said something to you.”

“He told me to stay away from you,” Sangbin says. “It’s my fault. I read into it.” 

“He did?” Jaechan chews on his bottom lip. “I’m really sorry. I’ll tell him to stop.” 

Sangbin shrugs. “I’d do the same thing if I were in his position. You sure you two aren’t a thing?” 

“No,” Jaechan flushes. “We’re like brothers.” 

Sangbin nods. He doesn’t buy it. Maybe Jaechan doesn’t see Taedong as more than a hyung, but he thinks Taedong sees Jaechan as more than a cute little brother. Otherwise Taedong wouldn’t threaten to cut Sangbin in half with his own motorcycle. He shudders a bit at the thought, feeling the cold porcelain of the sink digging into his lower back while Taedong towered over him, unfairly using his height to intimidate Sangbin. (And it worked, Sangbin was very intimidated.) 

Jaechan fidgets beside Sangbin until Sangbin rests a hand on his knee. “I’m sorry for trying to tease you,” he says gently. 

“It’s fine, hyung. A lot of people think we’re dating,” Jaechan sighs. “But we aren’t.” 

“Do you want to date him?” Sangbin asks carefully. 

Jaechan shakes his head. “Taedong hyung has been my friend since we were really young. He’s like my older brother.” Sangbin shrugs, still unsure. “Can I ask you something?” Jaechan looks unsure too. “About Insoo hyung?” 

“Sure, fire away,” Sangbin says. 

“Did you two date before?” 

“Not exactly,” Sangbin sighs. “How should I say it? We just had sex with each other. That was it. We were fuckbuddies.” 

“Oh,” Jaechan’s cheeks are pink. “I was just wondering because of what Insoo hyung said the other day.

“That he lost his virginity to me? Yeah.” Sangbin stands to lean against the railing overlooking the course. “It’s okay if you’re put off by that and you don’t want to sleep with me.” Sangbin sighs. “Ah, that came out wrong. But I understand if you’re uncomfortable with that.” 

“It’s not that,” Jaechan following him. “I was just curious. I know you and Insoo hyung are really close. I remember in high school you were always getting into trouble together.” 

“We’re good friends,” Sangbin says. “When we met, I thought he and I were cut from the same cloth.” Down on the course, Insoo has thrown down his gun in favor of tackling Hwanwoong to the ground. At this rate, Insoo’s going to get them all kicked out of this cursed building. “I thought we had a lot in common, so it was easy to get attached to one another. But Insoo wanted a lot of things that I didn’t want, so we didn’t date.”

“Like what?” 

Sangbin snorts. “A lot of things. He wanted my world to revolve around him but I didn’t want that. That’s when I started figuring out that we’re really different people.” Down on the course, Eunki and Taedong have pried Insoo and Hwanwoong apart. Sangbin can only imagine Eunki is invoking some fond high school memory to keep them from clobbering each other. “Insoo wants a lot from people. I still can’t figure out how he manages to keep his boyfriend around when he doesn’t look like he wants his world to revolve around Insoo either.”

“I thought you were okay with Kenta hyung,” Jaechan says. 

Sangbin shrugs. “I don’t know him that well. I only know that he and Insoo fight all the time and when they’re fighting Insoo’s miserable.” He sighs. “Insoo is desperate. I think he’s holding onto something that doesn’t work.” 

“I think Kenta hyung is nice,” Jaechan says softly. 

“You probably know him better than I do,” Sangbin offers. “It’s not that important. I don’t have to get along with Kenta. It doesn’t matter to me.” 

It doesn’t matter to Sangbin at all, really. He doesn’t even think Kenta is a bad person, Sangbin just thinks he’s not the person Insoo wants him to be. Sangbin doesn’t want to be too introspective, but he thinks he and Kenta are probably alike, and Sangbin knows that he’s hurt Insoo before, so maybe he just worries that Kenta is the same way. 

Jaechan shrugs delicately. It’s a pretty gesture. Sangbin sighs. Everything about Jaechan is pretty. Sangbin has tried hard to not dwell on what Insoo said to him in the cafe. Sangbin doesn’t think he’s playing around with Jaechan. He’s been intrigued by him since they got to know each other better during the spring, and of course sex was a distant but present thought for Sangbin. But Jaechan didn’t seem all that available and it was hard for Sangbin to consider the ways to sway Jaechan to his bed when the kid was breaking down from stress almost every time they saw each other. Woodam’s asthma attack had pushed them closer together, quite literally, since Jaechan had started crying and Sangbin hugged him. Jaechan had felt nice in his arms, and Sangbin had wanted to keep holding onto him, but then Eunki had showed up and had gotten mad at him. Eunki and Insoo were easy enough to tune out, since Sangbin was comfortable enough with them to know they wouldn’t seriously carry out their threats. 

Taedong is a different story. Sangbin barely knows him, only knows that Taedong is bigger and taller than him and helplessly devoted to Jaechan and is probably one hundred and one percent serious about taking Sangbin to task for any rumored contact between the two of them. It gives Sangbin pause about what he’s doing with Jaechan, since honestly Sangbin can’t even label it himself. Sangbin knows himself, and knows he doesn’t want relationships or attachments, but he also knows that he’s wanted Jaechan for so long he’s willing to wait a while for him. Insoo would have something snide to say about fearing commitment, but Sangbin thinks he just isn’t willing to pin all of his being to one person. Watching Insoo drive himself crazy over keeping Kenta’s attention resembled nothing Sangbin wanted, even if Insoo swore up down and sideways he and Kenta were madly in love and had fantastic sex all the time. Nothing about the way Insoo wore himself out was remotely desirable.

Jaechan carefully slides over so he can lean on Sangbin’s shoulder. Jaechan blinks at him shyly and Sangbin smiles at him. Sangbin leans to peck Jaechan on the forehead and Jaechan blushes. 

“You turn red so easily,” Sangbin muses, resting his chin on top of Jaechan’s head. “It’s cute.” 

Jaechan smiles. “Do you think so?” 

“I do,” Sangbin says. Down on the course, Insoo and Hwanwoong have gotten into a tussle again and a referee is running over to them. “I think we’re all about to get kicked out.” 

They do get kicked out, though it hardly stops Insoo and Hwanwoong from trying to get into it again. “What crawled up your ass?” Sangbin sighs, stepping in between Insoo and Hwanwoong. 

“Insoo’s a cheater,” Hwanwoong complains. “You don’t hit someone with more than one paintball. There are rules.” 

“I hit you more than once because you’re a little bitch,” Insoo snaps and Eunki has to catch Hwanwoong around the waist to keep him from charging Insoo. 

Sangbin doesn’t actually feel any sympathy towards Hwanwoong, because Hwanwoong was not shot point blank in the balls, and worse Hwanwoong saw the aftermath of Sangbin getting shot in the balls and didn’t care, but he likes Hwanwoong just enough to not want him to be killed by Insoo in a rage, so he pulls Insoo farther away. “Knock it off, man.” 

“Shut up, hyung,” Insoo seethes. “I bet you were having a lot of fun feeling up Jaechannie when we weren’t watching.” 

Jaechan turns bright red and Sangbin can feel Taedong shooting lasers out of his eyes and trying to blow up Sangbin’s head from the sheer power of his hatred. “Would you shut up?” Sangbin hisses at Insoo.

“If you want to deflower the rest of our close friends, Yeo Hwanwoong is still available… OOOF!” Insoo gets cut off by Hwanwoong kicking him in the stomach, clearly harder than Hwanwoong intended. 

“Ah, shit, sorry,” Hwanwoong hisses as Insoo doubles over from the blow and Kenta yells over him, “Why are you hitting my baby?” 

Sangbin grabs Insoo by the collar before Kenta can shake off Donghan and get to Insoo and pulls Insoo back upright, banging their foreheads together. Insoo yelps in pain again as Sangbin shakes him, ignoring his own smarting forehead. “If you don’t fucking stop they’ll be dragging my body out of the Han River in the morning so you better shut the fuck up or I’m going to say a lot of shit about you.” Sangbin shakes him harder. “I know everything about you.” 

Kenta digs his nails into Sangbin’s arm as he forcefully pushes Sangbin away. “Don’t touch him,” Kenta hisses, glaring at Sangbin. 

Insoo folds himself into Kenta’s arms. “Hyung, everyone is being so mean to me,” he whimpers.

“It’s probably what you deserve,” Geonhee observes sagely. Eunki elbows him in the side. 

Sangbin rubs where Kenta dug his nails in. Kenta and Insoo hadn’t been squabbling today and were back to whatever gooey approximation of love they had and it had been predictable and distasteful. Jaechan is looking at him with worried eyes, the traces of his blush still there. Sangbin just sighs. 

He and Jaechan still walk the same way home and Sangbin is surprised that Taedong isn’t tailing them. “I told Taedong hyung I was fine walking home by myself,” Jaechan explains. “I think I implied something I didn’t mean. He didn’t look happy.” 

Sangbin feels a shiver go down his spine. “You’re going to get me killed.” 

“Taedong hyung wouldn’t,” Jaechan says. He sounds confident but Sangbin thinks of the bathroom and how Taedong definitely would kill him at the drop of a hat if he had a reason. 

“So you implied I was going to go to your room for another sleepover?” Sangbin asks.

Jaechan’s face is getting red again. “Something like that,” he mumbles. “I do want you to come over. I think I feel more ready.” 

“You don’t have to rush it,” Sangbin says, running a hand through his hair. “If you’re not ready, you’re not.” 

“I thought I was,” Jaechan says as he punches in the door code for his boarding house. “I was taken by surprise, that’s all.” 

“You sure love to stoke my ego,” Sangbin says as he follows Jaechan up the stairs. 

“Oh stop,” Jaechan huffs as he unlocks his door and Sangbin can see how the tips of his ears have turned red. 

Sangbin pushes Jaechan against the wall and hooks one of Jaechan’s legs around his waist and presses their bodies together. Jaechan squeaks. 

“I want to see how much I can make you blush,” Sangbin says, dipping his head to kiss the side of Jaechan’s neck. “Can I?” 

“Yes,” Jaechan whimpers. “I want you to.”

Sangbin rocks his hips against Jaechan’s and he gasps softly, throwing his arms around Sangbin’s shoulders. “Can I take your shirt off?” Sangbin asks and Jaechan bites his lip but lifts his arms so Sangbin can pull his shirt off, revealing a soft pale torso. Jaechan looks away shyly, the beginnings of a flush starting down his neck. 

“Pretty,” Sangbin says as he presses his lips against Jaechan’s neck. “So pretty.” Sangbin licks over Jaechan’s collarbones. “You’re so pretty.” 

Jaechan whimpers softly as Sangbin begins to trail kisses down his chest. “Is this okay?” he asks. Jaechan nods and gasps shallowly as Sangbin sinks to his knees, kissing above the waistband of his jeans. “And this?” Sangbin asks as he fingers the button of them, looking up at Jaechan. His chest is dusted dark red. Sangbin thinks he’s beautiful and could write odes to the way Jaechan’s skin flushes just for him. 

“Yes,” Jaechan says softly and Sangbin carefully pops the button open, slowly pulls down the zipper. Jaechan nods more enthusiastically as Sangbin begins to slide off his jeans. 

Sangbin presses a kiss against Jaechan’s thigh, notes the way Jaechan trembles beneath his lips, and nips at him with his teeth. Jaechan squirms away. “Don’t leave marks on me,” he says quickly. 

“Oh?” Sangbin smiles as he runs his thumb over Jaechan’s hipbone. “Is someone going to be looking at you this intimately after me?” 

“No,” Jaechan says, angling his hips away. “But if someone were to see I’d get really embarrassed.” 

Sangbin laughs as he presses more kisses close to Jaechan’s crotch. Jaechan bites his lip. “What about this? Is this embarrassing too?” 

“Yes,” Jaechan squeaks. 

“Can I kiss you here?” Sangbin asks, nodding towards Jaechan’s crotch. 

Jaechan’s face flares up even redder, but he still jerkily nods. He gasps loudly when Sangbin kisses and licks him through his briefs, and quickly clasps his hands over his mouth.

“No,” Sangbin says gently, reaching to pull Jaechan’s hands away. “I want to hear you.” 

“Hyung, we can’t,” Jaechan protests. “Someone’s going to hear me.” 

“Good,” Sangbin’s throat suddenly feels parched. “I want them to hear you and know they can’t have you.” 

Jaechan’s entire chest is flushed deep red and Sangbin’s head spins knowing that was all his handiwork, his kisses. He mouths at Jaechan’s erection through his briefs, glancing up to see Jaechan biting down on his lip hard, trying to keep in his whimpers. 

“It’s okay, pretty boy,” Sangbin says reassuringly, “I want to hear you.” He stands and cups Jaechan’s face in his hands, resting their foreheads together. “You don’t have to be shy.” 

“It’s just,” Jaechan glances up at him shyly. “I haven’t done this before.” 

“It’s okay,” Sangbin says, pecking Jaechan’s lips. “Hyung will take good care of you.” 

“Hyung,” Jaechan says softly. “I really like you a lot.” 

Sangbin feels his mouth go dry. He isn’t ready for this, the feelings bit, so he just leans in to give Jaechan another kiss, but Jaechan tilts his head away. 

“Are you…” Jaechan looks at him nervously, “not going to say it back to me?” 

Sangbin’s tongue feels like sandpaper in his mouth and he opens it stupidly even when he can’t think of anything to say. Jaechan’s expression changes slowly, the look on his face becoming more guarded. 

“Are you only interested in sleeping with me?” 

Sangbin manages to croak out, “No!” but Jaechan’s expression remains unchanged. 

“Taedong hyung told me you were only interested in sex,” Jaechan says carefully, not making eye contact with Sangbin. 

Sangbin wants to say that Taedong is full of shit and what does Taedong know - Sangbin hasn’t slept with Taedong - but Sangbin knows he’s said he was only interested in sex to more than one person in as many words before. So if he’s backed himself into a corner, it’s really Sangbin’s fault. 

Jaechan is gingerly pulling up his jeans. “I don’t think this is a good idea,” he says in an almost whisper. “I don’t want to share myself with someone who isn’t interested in more than my body.” 

“That’s not it,” Sangbin attempts, but he doesn’t know where he wants that sentence to go as Jaechan side steps him to retrieve his shirt from the ground. 

Jaechan looks at him expectantly. Sangbin flounders. 

“I haven’t done this before either,” he offers. “It’s true I usually am just interested in sex, but this is different. You’re different.” 

It sounds like a line and Jaechan’s face twists a bit. “Hyung,” his voice wobbles. “I’m not dumb.” 

“I’m sorry,” Sangbin says. “I’m shit at this. Really.” 

“Do you like me?” 

“Of course I do.” 

“Do you want something other than sex from me?” 

Sangbin’s tongue is tied again and Jaechan sighs at the way he hesitates to answer. 

“If you can’t answer me,” Jaechan sighs. “I don’t think meeting like this is a good idea.” 

Sangbin can’t say anything, so he just has to nod and the awkward atmosphere between him and Jaechan won’t go away. 

 

Sangbin decides to consult Insoo, because even though Insoo will judge him uncontrollably, Insoo is the only one who will actually offer him scraps of genuine advice hidden among swathes of scathing sarcasm. They understand each other too well that way. 

Kim.SB. [what do you do when you fuck up?] 

Lee.IS. [grovel] 

Lee.IS. [shit idk man] 

Lee.IS. [if i knew i wouldn’t be fighting with my man] 

Kim.SB. [again?] 

Lee.IS. [yeah] 

Sangbin can’t fathom what Insoo and Kenta always have to fight about, but apparently there’s a multitude of things that can set off an argument. Sangbin waits for a while, trying to organize his thoughts before calling Jaechan. 

“Hello?” 

“I want to take you out on a date.” 

Sangbin can almost hear the heat rising in Jaechan’s face. “What?” 

“I want to take you on a date.” Sangbin repeats. “Do you want to go somewhere with me?” 

“Where?” 

“Do you want me to treat you to coffee?” Sangbin thinks. “And maybe we could take a walk somewhere?” 

Jaechan doesn’t answer for a moment. Sangbin sweats. “Okay,” Jaechan says eventually. 

“I’ll pick you up,” Sangbin offers. “Is half an hour okay?” 

“Sure, hyung.” 

Sangbin feels relieved that Jaechan didn’t shoot him down only to feel nervous again about what he’s going to do and say on this date to make Jaechan give him another chance and understand that Sangbin isn’t just chasing him around for sex. 

Lee.IS. [but aren’t you just interested in sleeping with jaechan?] 

Lee.IS. [you’ve been saying you don’t want to get into a relationship since i’ve known you] 

Kim.SB. [it sounds like a line, but it’s different now] 

Lee.IS. [you’re right, sounds like bullshit] 

Kim.SB. [i don’t know what i want right now] 

Sangbin takes a shower and shaves and agonizes way too much about what to wear before just choosing jeans and a plain shirt and he thinks this is supposed to be what it’s like to go out with someone, but Sangbin wouldn’t know. Sangbin thinks the idea of being with someone long term is stifling. If Sangbin weren’t already put off by Insoo’s constantly tumultuous relationship, he doesn’t even think he wants something as sickeningly sweet as Eunki’s relationship, watching Eunki pining over his boyfriend in China and sighing over strings of messages and telling everyone he’s waiting for calls. Sangbin doesn’t want that either, the pining and the waiting, he just wants things to go faster. 

Chan is sitting at the kitchen table typing away on his laptop when Sangbin walks out of his room. “Hey.” 

“Hey,” Chan doesn’t look up from his screen. “You haven’t been sleeping at home lately.” 

“Neither have you,” Sangbin fishes his spare helmet from their doorway. “Dongha must be lonely.” 

“Nah, Dongha’s probably happy it’s so quiet.” Chan finally looks up and grins. “Maybe he’s bringing someone home while we’re both out.” 

Sangbin snorts. “I doubt it. He’s so anal about our house rules he would never.” 

“Yeah, he’s anal enough to have two huge tattoos on his arms. You don’t even have tattoos.” Chan says as he turns back to his laptop. 

“I can’t commit to a design I like,” Sangbin says easily. “I’m going out. See you.” 

“Bye, hyung,” Chan calls as Sangbin steps out. 

Sangbin stashes his spare helmet in the back compartment of his motorcycle and hops on, hoping that he can fix the mess he made for himself and won’t somehow put his foot in his mouth again.

He texts Jaechan that he’s outside his boarding house and Jaechan’s eyes bulge when he sees Sangbin’s motorcycle. Sangbin greets him and hands him the spare helmet and Jaechan holds it awkwardly while continuing to stare. 

“Um,” he finally squeaks. “Is this safe?” 

“What? Of course it is,” Sangbin huffs. “I wouldn’t let you ride me if it wasn’t safe.” 

Jaechan’s ears turn bright red for some reason and Sangbin has to think and walk back what he said and when he realizes, he turns red too. “Ride with me. With. With me. On my bike.” Sangbin kind of wishes Taedong would appear and put him out of his misery. Ride him. What kind of Freudian slip. Honesty. Sangbin reads books and writes papers for a degree he should be better with words. 

“Okay,” Jaechan says, still staring at Sangbin’s motorcycle. 

Sangbin takes his spare helmet from Jaechan’s hands and puts it on Jaechan’s head and buckles it under his chin. “Trust me,” Sangbin says gently. “I won’t let you get hurt.” 

Jaechan flushes a little as he gets on the bike. “Put your arms around me,” Sangbin says. “And hold on.” 

Jaechan’s arms feel nice around his waist as Sangbin weaves in and out of traffic. Sangbin isn’t going to be caught dead going anywhere any of the people in their friend group usually go, but he has an idea of where he wants to take Jaechan anyway. 

“That wasn’t so dangerous, was it?” Sangbin asks as he helps Jaechan off the bike. 

“Terrifying,” Jaechan whines. “I was afraid I’d fall.” 

“I wouldn’t let you fall,” Sangbin says as he puts away their helmets. 

Sangbin has taken Insoo to this place before, he thinks when he was suffering from a head injury because Insoo had ungraciously ignored Sangbin’s attempt to share part of himself with Insoo because Insoo had glanced over the small cafe and told Sangbin, “the atmosphere of this place is moody, gay, and repressed,” and with one withering look, “just like you.” 

Sangbin hopes Jaechan doesn’t read the atmosphere the same way, though Sangbin will admit it’s smaller and quieter than the cafe Kenta works at, but Sangbin prefers it here because it’s quieter. He’s spent a lot of time here holed up writing papers about Byronic heroes in contemporary Korean media and wondering if he shouldn’t have been so stingy buying textbooks and if the real textbook had better translations of English Romantic poems than the frantic Naver searches he did the night before his paper was due. Sangbin has also picked up guys at this cafe for really mediocre vanilla sex, except that one guy who tried to pick up Sangbin by sitting across from him and informing Sangbin he looked very interested in getting a fist shoved up his ass (Sangbin had cursed that guy out because Sangbin was very much not into that). 

Jaechan doesn’t seem to mind the “moody, gay, and repressed” atmosphere Insoo had objected to and instead seems to be waiting for Sangbin to start talking. So he does once they get their drinks, again ineloquently since clearly the money he’s funneling into his literature degree is being wasted because Sangbin just can’t talk today. 

“I really do like you,” Sangbin says with no preamble. “But I’m really shit at this.” 

“What do you think you’re bad at?” Jaechan asks him, chewing on his straw. 

“A lot,” Sangbin answers. “I don’t really do this,” he gestures vaguely between them. “Date.” 

“Do you not want to date me?” Jaechan isn’t looking at him and Sangbin isn’t sure of what to say. 

“I don’t know what I want,” Sangbin admits. “Except for what’s obvious.” 

Jaechan doesn’t say anything to that at first. “Then why did you bring me here?” 

Sangbin sighs.”Because I’m an asshole and I wanted to apologize for being one.” 

“I don’t think you’re being an asshole.” 

“But I am one.” Sangbin sighs more. “I understand why everyone wants to chase me away from you. I’m not a good guy.”

“But I know what kind of person you are,” Jaechan says quietly. “And I like you anyway. I’ve liked you for a very long time.” 

“You have?” That’s news to Sangbin. Sangbin had been taken aback by Jaechan’s sudden forwardness at the movie theater but he hadn’t asked any questions because he had been lusting after Jaechan and wasn’t going to say no when Jaechan suddenly expressed an interest in having sex. 

“Since we were working on Insoo’s showcase performance in the spring,” Jaechan answers. “I had a crush on you but I didn’t know you were gay. Every time you skipped class I thought you were seeing a girlfriend.” 

“Kid,” Sangbin’s head is spinning. “I’m really gay.”

“I know that now,” Jaechan hisses, “I didn’t know back then.”

“But if you just found out when Insoo said it, why did you ask to go all the way?” 

“I told Taedong hyung I was interested in you, and he said you had a really bad reputation for sleeping around,” Jaechan blushes. “I didn’t think he was telling me the truth and even if he was, I thought I was ready to do that and I really thought I was, but I’m not and I started worrying that you were going to lose interest if I didn’t…” 

Sangbin cuts off Jaechan’s rambling. “Taedong can say whatever he wants about me, that I sleep around too much or whatever, but I’m not going to sit here and let him say I would lose interest in you if you didn’t put out…” 

“He didn’t say that,” Jaechan says hastily. “I thought it myself.”

“I’m not like that,” Sangbin grumbles. “Do people really think that about me?” 

“I’m sorry, hyung.” 

“It’s fine, Jaechannie.” Sangbin deflates. “I think I’m bad for you.” 

“I still like you,” Jaechan says. “I’m okay if you don’t want to label whatever,” he pauses. “I’m okay if you don’t really want to date me.” 

Sangbin gets horribly reminded of Insoo and high school and that’s a bad mix while looking at Jaechan’s nervous face. “Don’t say that,” Sangbin says gruffly. “I don’t know what I can give you so don’t wait around for me to change my tune. You’d be better off with somebody like Taedong who’d…” 

“I’m not interested in dating Taedong hyung.” Jaechan says firmly. “I’m interested in you and I’m old enough to make those kinds of decisions by myself.” Sangbin’s a little bit stunned and Jaechan bites his lip and looks away. “Everyone treats me like a baby, but I’m not.”

“I know you’re not a baby,” Sangbin tells him. 

“Then don’t treat me like one,” Jaechan’s face is all red. “So I can tell you I want to be close to you even if you don’t want to date and I can want to sleep with you if I want to.” His face gets redder. “Even though I don’t think I’m ready right now.” 

Sangbin’s pretty bewildered because he thought he’d be the one groveling but instead Jaechan is informing him, quite stubbornly too, that he wants to pursue some unlabeled whatever between the two of them and Sangbin thinks it’s probably a questionable leaning bad idea but he just nods and says, “Whatever you want.” 

Jaechan blinks at him. “Really?” 

“If you understand that I’m not going to be your dream boyfriend,” Sangbin says, “and that I don’t know what I want, but you still want to try something then I’m fine with not having sex until you’re ready. Because I think I’m an ass, but I’m not that kind of guy.” 

Jaechan stands and leans over the table to kiss Sangbin. “Thank you,” he says softly.

They end up going back to Jaechan’s boarding house and Jaechan pulls Sangbin close for a kiss and down onto his bed and Sangbin is excited but confused. “I thought you weren’t ready?” he asks between Jaechan biting at his lips. 

“Is this okay?” Jaechan asks him. “If I just kiss you like this?” 

“If it’s okay that I’m going to get turned on,” Sangbin replies. Jaechan blushes faintly but pulls Sangbin back down for another kiss and it’s fine up until Jaechan moves underneath him and drags his knee all the way up Sangbin’s crotch and Sangbin chokes on the air and lets out some noise and he doesn’t know where it came from only that he sits up so fast and he is way too turned on. 

“I’m sorry!” Jaechan squeaks. “I’m sorry!” 

“You’re fine,” Sangbin says unsteadily. “I hope you don’t mind, but I think I’m going to hose myself down in cold water.” 

“The bathroom’s at the end of the hall,” Jaechan squeaks. 

Sangbin adjusts his pants so it’s not as noticeable that he’s walking around with an erection and looks at the floor because he does not want his face on CCTV like this. Luckily the bathroom is empty so Sangbin strips off and steps into a shower stall and turns on the cold tap full blast. He hisses at the icy water cascading down onto his body but it successfully kills his boner so Sangbin stays under the stream for a while to calm the racing of his heart. 

Sangbin didn’t take a towel so he sighs as he balls up his shirt and wipes himself down before tugging it back on. There’s someone talking to Jaechan in the doorway of his room and Sangbin questions just how many uselessly tall guys Jaechan knows and hopes it’s not some other enraged mother grizzly bear waiting to tear Sangbin limb from limb. 

“I noticed you’ve been hanging out with someone lately,” the tall guy says. His tone is light and joking. “I got curious if you were seeing someone. It’s that kinda scary looking guy, right? With the earrings and the motorcycle and…” 

“Scary looking guy?” Sangbin drawls and the tall guy lets out a screech and Jaechan startles. 

“Hyung, you scared me!” Jaechan whines as the tall guy sinks to the floor. 

“I almost pissed my pants,” he wheezes. 

Sangbin just shrugs and slips behind Jaechan to get back into the room. “Sorry, Hyunwoo hyung,” Jaechan murmurs. The guy waves it away and Jaechan closes the door behind him. “Hyung!” he says to Sangbin, but Sangbin cuts him off by crashing their mouths together. “I thought you went to cool off! Ah, hyung, you’re really cold!” 

Sangbin lifts Jaechan up again and Jaechan squeaks as he tries to find purchase along Sangbin’s back. “Hyung!” 

“I went to go cool down but I came back more hot and bothered,” Sangbin purrs. “Now I just want to kiss you more.”

Jaechan’s face is all red but he leans down to catch Sangbin’s lips in a rough kiss and Sangbin digs his fingers into the skin of Jaechan’s thighs and walks Jaechan back towards the bed.


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things take a turn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I am so sorry for this being late, life kinda hit me last week and everything in my personal and professional lives just came to a head. In summary, I'm writing a show and then led a mutiny against the incompetent director and replaced her so now I'm writing and directing a show that's going onstage in about two and a half weeks. Good news is that the next chapter is already half written so I'm hoping to update on time despite that!! 
> 
> I'm not terribly pleased with how this chapter came out, but I've come to the point where it's time to release it into the ether to move on. I hope it's still okay. There is some sexual content in this chapter. 
> 
> Again, sorry for the wait and I hope you enjoy!

There’s something so natural and comfortable about the way Jaechan is leaning on Taedong with his arms around Taedong’s waist and Taedong’s chin resting on the top of his head while he pats Jaechan’s hip soothingly, like he’s keeping the beat for a song only the two of them can hear, and Sangbin thinks he might be jealous of that. He is jealous actually, Sangbin is man enough to admit that, but only to himself. He wonders if Taedong can tell he’s making Sangbin jealous and if Taedong is the kind of guy who’s petty enough to take pleasure in that. 

Sangbin is absolutely ready to blame this all on Donghan, Kenta, and Geonhee, who made the enormous ruckus - butchering Big Bang at the top of their lungs - that gave Jaechan a headache, leading him to lean on Taedong in the first place. If they hadn’t been that abrasive on Jaechan’s head, Sangbin wouldn’t be here feeling jealous of Taedong.

Going to karaoke with this cursed group was, predictably, a giant mistake that Sangbin keeps making. 

Donghan and Kenta and Geonhee are busily selecting some other noisy song to scream along to when Jaechan stands up and whispers something to Taedong before slipping out of the room. Sangbin waits a moment before standing up as the opening chords of a BTS song start from the karaoke machine. 

“Where are you going?” Eunki asks him. 

“Out to smoke,” Sangbin answers loud enough for everyone to hear. Eunki nods as Sangbin leaves. 

Sangbin goes to the bathroom first because he thinks Jaechan is probably there, and he is, hunched over the sink and splashing water onto his face. 

“Hey,” Sangbin says. 

“Oh, hyung,” Jaechan looks up.

“Are you alright?” 

“Yes, I just have a headache,” Jaechan answers, turning off the sink. “Do you have one too?”

“No, I was going out to smoke,” Sangbin replies. 

Jaechan makes a face. “You really shouldn’t. It’s not good for you.” 

“Everyone tells me that.” 

“It’s not good for me either,” Jaechan offers. It’s not fair for Jaechan to look at him like that when he tips of his fringe are wet and droplets of water are sliding down his neck. “What if I kiss you and your mouth tastes like an ashtray?” 

“Then you should kiss me before I go smoke,” Sangbin wraps an arm around Jaechan’s waist and pulls their bodies together. 

“Or just don’t smoke,” Jaechan suggests, but he still pecks Sangbin on the lips. 

“But then I’ll get cranky,” Sangbin laughs. “And you wouldn’t like me anymore.” 

“That’s not true,” Jaechan mumbles. 

“Is your head really bothering you?” Sangbin asks, pressing his lips against Jaechan’s damp hair. 

“I had trouble sleeping last night. My head was already hurting before coming here.” 

“Did you have trouble sleeping because I wasn’t in your bed?” Sangbin smiles wolfishly at him. He said it just to make Jaechan blush, and he does, but Jaechan mumbles under his breath words that sound like “maybe,” so Sangbin pushes just a little. “Did you miss me last night?” 

“What if I did,” Jaechan huffs, face getting redder. 

“Then I want to kiss you properly,” Sangbin leans forward but Jaechan ducks away. 

“Hyung, we’re in a public toilet!”

“Would you rather I kiss you in a private toilet?” 

Jaechan swats at him. “Go away,” he sniffs. “You’re making my headache worse. If you come back smelling like cigarettes it will get even worse.” 

“Maybe I’ll just stay here with you then,” Sangbin noses along Jaechan’s jawline, before pressing a kiss close to his ear. “Maybe I just came out to find you and corner you like this.”

“Oh, hyung, don’t,” Jaechan is holding onto Sangbin anyway. “We’re going to get caught.” 

Sangbin’s about to answer when the door starts to open and they jump apart. Sangbin is only grateful it’s not Taedong, but it’s still Insoo, who is glaring at them suspiciously. 

“I knew you weren’t in here to use the bathroom,” he says accusingly. 

“But I was,” Jaechan protests. 

“Of course you were, my baby,” Insoo simpers but his voice hardens as soon as he looks at Sangbin. “I’m sure that hyung lured you here.” 

“I did not,” Sangbin huffs. 

“Well you didn’t go smoke either,” Insoo returns. “I don’t trust you.” 

“You clearly didn’t come in here to take a piss either.” 

“I came to check on my child but you were in here too,” Insoo snaps. 

Insoo ushers them back to the room and it’s almost the same as when Sangbin left it, except Eunki has joined in on the singing and it’s even more chaotic and loud and Sangbin just sighs heavily as Jaechan curls back up beside Taedong, whose arm instinctively wraps around Jaechan’s body. 

 

“If I told you I was jealous of Taedong, would you tell me there was nothing to worry about it?” Sangbin asks Jaechan when they’re curled up on Jaechan’s bed. 

“Yes,” Jaechan answers with a soft yawn. “He’s my best friend. My hyung. That’s all.” 

“Even so,” Sangbin sighs. “I felt jealous of him when I was watching him hold you.” 

Jaechan giggles. “You hold me all the time. You’re holding me now.” 

“You two looked so comfortable. It made me wonder if you’re ever going to be that comfortable around me.” 

Jaechan hums softly. “Just give me time, hyung.” 

Sangbin kisses the back of Jaechan’s neck and presses himself closer against Jaechan’s back. 

 

Insoo texted him at 3am, but Sangbin ignored it in favor of rolling on top of Jaechan, so Sangbin kind of expects it when Insoo tries to drop kick him in the stomach when they do see each other. Their group has thinned out to the regular foursome of Sangbin, Insoo, Hwanwoong, and Eunki so no one is particularly alarmed by Insoo’s expression of violence. 

“Don’t ignore my texts.” 

“I will ignore you whenever I want. But especially at 3am when I am sleeping.” 

“When you’re shoving your dick into someone at 3am.” 

“I was sleeping.” Sangbin insists but Insoo is scowling. 

“I don’t believe you.” Insoo says flippantly. 

“Then don’t believe me,” Sangbin shrugs. “I don’t care.” 

“Anyway,” Eunki says delicately as he tries to pivot Insoo away from Sangbin. “What was bothering you so much?” 

“My closest friends ignoring my cries for help,” Insoo says tonelessly. 

“Normal people are asleep at that hour.” Hwanwoong adds. 

“Why are you taking Kim Sangbin’s side, Yeo Hwanwoong? Aren’t you jealous that Kim Sangbin is no longer available to take your tragic virginity… OWW!”

Sangbin conveniently looks away when Hwanwoong decides to punch Insoo in the ribs so he can’t take responsibility for the assault. Eunki is flapping himself into a frenzy trying to separate them so Sangbin loops one arm around Insoo’s waist and tugs him away. 

“Can you please get a grip?” Sangbin sighs. 

They go to a restaurant, per Eunki’s request, and Sangbin thinks this is partially insurance for Insoo’s temper tantrums because Insoo tends to scale back the kind of scene he can make in nice public places. The paintball course is a glaring exception to this, but then again that cursed building is not a classy location so no wonder Insoo feels right at home kicking up a fuss there. 

“So what did you need to tell us at 3am?” Eunki asks. He has conveniently trapped Insoo on the inside of the booth, which is also strategic because it leaves Insoo unable to storm out without making an enormous ruckus. Sangbin respects the way Eunki can politely but firmly get Insoo to talk without anyone blowing a fuse. Sangbin has no patience for it and more often than not he and Insoo end up barking at each other. 

Insoo is still scowling like a child so Eunki prods him. “We’re all here and listening.” Eunki’s eyes flicker to Sangbin’s face sharply, as though he’s imploring Sangbin to not make some snide remark about never listening to Insoo. 

Insoo still pauses, Sangbin doesn’t know if he’s doing it to be dramatic or if he’s actually struggling to say whatever has been on his mind. Eventually it comes out. “Donghan.” Insoo sighs heavily. “I really don’t like him rubbing himself all over Kenta hyung.” 

“Donghanie is very affectionate with everyone,” Eunki says placatingly. 

“But Donghan doesn’t rub up on anyone else but Kenta,” Insoo scowls. “It can’t be everyone if I’ve only seen him do it to my boyfriend.” Eunki opens his mouth but Insoo cuts him off. “Jaechannie doesn’t count. We all dote on him.” Insoo pauses. “And it’s fine if he does that to Jaechannie, he’s not dating anyone,” Insoo’s eyes flicker briefly to Sangbin and Sangbin bristles defensively. Eunki is way too perceptive to not have missed that. Now Sangbin’s going to be in the shit. 

“What’s bothering you about Donghan and Kenta hyung?” Eunki prompts. 

“You know we went out after karaoke with Donghan and Taedong and Kenta and Donghan were drinking and Donghan was really drunk and he kissed Kenta on the cheek in front of me and I was mad but I held it in until we got home and I told Kenta it pissed me off but he said it was just because Donghan was drunk and it didn’t mean anything…” 

“Dump him.” Sangbin speaks before he really thinks about what he’s saying and Insoo is trying to glare at him, but Sangbin can see that his expression is wavering. He actually kind of looks like he wants to cry and Sangbin suddenly feels really shitty when Insoo pushes Eunki and hoarsely tells him to move so Insoo can storm out of the restaurant. 

“Hyung,” Eunki is glaring at him. 

Even Hwanwoong looks a little shocked. “Hyung, what the hell, I’m the insensitive one but that was mean…” 

“Are you going to go after him and apologize?” Eunki demands. “You really upset him.” 

Sangbin sighs as he slides out of the booth and tries to divine where Insoo stormed off to. He eventually finds Insoo sulking on a bench not too far away. Sangbin sits next to Insoo, who glares at him with glassy looking eyes, before putting his arm around Insoo’s shoulders. “Tell me what happened.” 

“Get off. This is creepy.” 

“Tell me before I decide I don’t care anymore.” 

“I told you.” Insoo says. “After karaoke, Taedong, Donghan, Kenta hyung, and I went to a bar. And Donghan kissed Kenta on the cheek.” 

“But you didn’t freak out.”

“I didn’t. But when we got home I told Kenta that I hated seeing it, even if it didn’t mean anything because Donghan was drunk and to please tell Donghan to lay off the skinship because we’re dating.” He sighs. “And Kenta hyung told me he would, but that it wasn’t something I should be so upset about.” 

“That’s shit.” 

“I just want Kenta to be mine. And I try to not make it sound so possessive, because he hates that, but I feel so weird when there are other guys around him. I just don’t want Donghan hanging all over him. I always feel like shit when I see them like that.” Insoo sniffs. “I just want it to be the two of us sometimes so I don’t have to share his attention with anybody else.”

Sangbin is trying to think of what to say without being more insensitive. “You can trust him.” 

“But you don’t like him. You just told me to dump him.” 

“I don’t have to like him.” Sangbin shrugs. “But if he wanted someone else, he would get someone else.”

Insoo sniffs. “I didn’t know that you didn’t like him.” 

“Is that what’s important? Do you care that I don’t like him?” 

Insoo shrugs. “I don’t know.” 

Sangbin gives Insoo a squeeze. “Come on, let’s go take a walk or something.” 

Sangbin and Insoo end up strolling, though Insoo is really dragging his feet, while he he talks. “I know that I’m irrational,” he sighs. “But I just want Kenta to understand that more. Or at least just show me that he already does. I start worrying that he doesn’t want me.” 

“So why don’t you say that to him?” 

“Because…” Insoo suddenly turns pale. “Oh, fuck me.” 

“What? Out here in public? Sure… oww!”

“That’s not funny, seriously, just hide me, fuck, help,” Insoo hops over a bush and hides behind it and Sangbin is still trying to figure out what Insoo’s problem is when he feels someone run up and hug him.

“Sangbinie!” 

“Oof! Oh, hey, Woodam,” Sangbin struggles to pat Woodam on the head. “What’s up?” 

“Just taking a walk. Did I see Insoo with you?” 

“Huh? Oh yeah, uh, he suddenly had to use the bathroom…” Sangbin says that hoping that it will make Insoo come back out and yell at him but he doesn’t. 

Woodam is with a friend who Sangbin doesn’t notice until he laughs. He’s tall and handsome and has a pretty smile and nice teeth. 

“Oh, you’re with someone too,” Sangbin says. 

“This is one of my roommates, Woncheol.” 

Woncheol smiles at him. It’s a pleasant, breezy smile. “Nice to meet you.” 

“Did you know,” Woodam pouts. “That Woncheolie and Insoo went to high school together? And then they had a falling out when Insoo moved away but they reconnected when Woncheolie picked me up when I had my asthma attack. But then Woncheolie never contacted Insoo.” 

“I did. I thanked him for taking care of you. He didn’t answer me.” Woncheol sighs at him gently.

“Don’t you think they should reconcile and be friends again?” Woodam sniffs. 

“Isn’t that… up to them?” Sangbin shrugs. “If they want to, then yeah, they should be friends.” 

Woodam is pouting like he wanted Sangbin to agree heartily with him but Sangbin really doesn’t care, he doesn’t know anything about Woncheol or how or why he and Insoo allegedly fell out. Sangbin doesn’t even think Insoo has mentioned Woncheol before. If it was as big a deal as Woodam was making it out to be, Sangbin thinks he would know, because Insoo holds grudges. 

Woodam manages to hug Sangbin again before he leaves with Woncheol, and Sangbin isn’t quite sure why Woodam is so touchy when he seemed to have been terrified of him when they had class together. Maybe it’s because Woodam is with a tall friend who could defend him from Sangbin being scary.

Insoo reappears from behind the bush and Sangbin raises his eyebrows. “Talk.” 

“No.” Insoo brushes himself off and starts walking again and Sangbin follows with a sigh. 

“What did you fight about?” 

“It wasn’t a fight.” 

“Then why is Woodam acting like it was?” 

Insoo shrugs. “I don’t know.” 

“Must have been serious if you had to hide in a bush,” Sangbin sighs. “But what did you want at 3am? Was that just when you talked to Kenta?” 

“Yeah,” Insoo doesn’t seem to be paying attention to him. “I was just feeling really bad.”

Sangbin pats Insoo on the back. “Just tell him when he makes you feel bad.” 

Insoo just nods and Sangbin isn’t sure if Insoo is listening to him at all. 

 

Lee.IS. [it wasn’t a fight]

Kim.SB. [what?]

Lee.IS. [with woncheol] 

Lee.IS. [it wasn’t a fight] 

Lee.IS. [i was in love with him he was my first love]

Lee.IS. [and i had to move really abruptly and we didn’t say goodbye]

Lee.IS. [but then i met you and i met kenta hyung and i forgot that eventually] 

Lee.IS. [but then i saw him again with woodam in the spring] 

Lee.IS. [when i see him i feel really confused] 

Lee.IS. [i don’t think i should see him when i feel insecure about kenta hyung]

Lee.IS. [so i went to hide]

Lee.IS. [kenta hyung and i talked] 

Lee.IS. [he said he would talk to donghan about the skinship and the kiss] 

Kim.SB. [isn’t that good?]

Lee.IS. [it is...] 

Kim.SB. [don’t think about it]

Kim.SB. [just take it as it right now] 

 

By most standards, it should actually be embarrassing that Sangbin has gone this far backwards in his sex life. He used to be thankful that he seemingly skipped over the awkward part in his sexual development where the most action he got was awkwardly dry humping his way to a clothes-ruining, dissatisfying orgasm when there were only scraps of fabric between his and someone’s disproportionate pubescent bodies. But with Jaechan, Sangbin wasn’t even having any orgasms because Jaechan seemed to have some sixth sense that made him pull away right when Sangbin felt one building up. Suffice to say, Sangbin has never had blue balls like this in his life. 

This level of sexual frustration has led Sangbin to rotate his apartment’s cleaning duties so he’s the one cleaning the bathroom, because Sangbin is not going to let his roommates run the risk of having to clean up any of his messes that don’t neatly go down the drain. He thinks neither of them would really say anything to his face because he’s the oldest, and they’re all somewhat private about what they get up to in the bedroom, but he still doesn’t want every sentence they would speak to him be dripping with subtext about knowing Sangbin jerks it in the shower and doesn’t clean up after himself.

Usually if Sangbin were this sexually frustrated, he could go out and meet someone for an easy one night stand, but it didn’t feel right to do when he was supposed to be figuring out something with Jaechan. Sangbin assumes it would only worsen his image if he was sticking his dick into other people while insisting Jaechan not being ready to have sex was not a problem for him. 

Because it isn’t. It’s just hard when Sangbin gets so aroused and all of his sexual energy has nowhere to go. Jaechan is too tempting when he and Sangbin are fumbling with one another’s clothes in his narrow bed and clinging to each other in various states of undress. But Sangbin is an adult with self control and he promised Jaechan with his own mouth that not having sex was fine. So it was.

Jaechan does have boundaries, he’s still shy about being totally naked and he doesn’t want Sangbin to bite him, and Sangbin is okay with whatever Jaechan wants, even if he likes to push sometimes because he likes it when he makes Jaechan blush. So Sangbin still nips at the soft skin of Jaechan’s inner thighs and relishes the way Jaechan squeaks and tells him to stop being so bad. Even when Sangbin really pushes his luck and sucks a tiny bruise into Jaechan’s thigh, Jaechan only squirms and it’s more enticing than anything else.

“Hyung!” Jaechan squeaks, pushing Sangbin’s head away. “I told you not to leave marks on me! What if someone sees…” 

Sangbin rests his cheek against the side of Jaechan’s knee. “Pretty boy, if anyone’s head is going to be between your thighs to see it, I think I would get really upset.” 

Jaechan’s face flushes an even deeper shade of red. “Hyung, that’s not what I meant.”

“You’re too pretty. I don’t want anyone else looking at you like this,” he sighs. “I want this view all to myself.” 

Jaechan bites his lip and shyly looks away. “Hyung, I’m not like that.” 

“I know,” Sangbin rubs a thumb over the bruise he left. “Hyung is just being mean to you. I’ll be good, I won’t do it again,” Sangbin says gently. 

Jaechan nervously runs his fingers through Sangbin’s hair and Sangbin kisses Jaechan’s thigh making him squeak again. Sangbin thinks he’s okay if he’s the only one who gets to see Jaechan like this, all red and shy, just for him. Even if most of the time they spend alone in Jaechan’s room is like this, with Sangbin fervently touching and kissing every inch of Jaechan’s skin that he can reach. Jaechan is too sweet for Sangbin to not want; Sangbin just thrums with desire for him and the way Jaechan blushes at the slightest touch. 

“I wonder what got into you when you kissed me first,” Sangbin says when Jaechan is curled up in his lap. “To make you so bold when you’re really this shy.” 

Jaechan squirms. Sangbin grunts softly, having Jaechan in his lap is probably a bad idea because he moves around so much Sangbin can’t help but get turned on at all the movement. “I told you,” he murmurs. “I liked you for a long time, and I thought I was ready to do all that.” 

Sangbin lays back so Jaechan is still straddling his hips. “I like this view,” Sangbin muses. “You’re always pretty no matter what angle I look at you.” 

“Hyung,” Jaechan whines softly as he moves to curl up beside Sangbin. “When you say things like that…” 

“I mean it. I do think you’re pretty.” 

Jaechan shrugs delicately as he rests his head on Sangbin’s shoulder. “Are you impatient? Because I’m not ready?” 

“Sometimes,” Sangbin admits trailing his hand down Jaechan’s side. “But I like this too.” 

“You do?” 

“Mm. I like chasing. That’s fun for me too. Don’t worry. I told you I would wait.” Sangbin rolls onto his side. “I’m a man of my word.” 

Jaechan nods as he burrows closer into Sangbin’s side and Sangbin kisses the side of his face gently. 

 

If Sangbin is boiling, it’s not because of the sun. It’s probably because of Donghan, kissing Jaechan all over his face like it’s nothing, like that’s normal, because Donghan just kisses everyone on their faces no matter the time or place, and he’s insisting Jaechan needs to put on sunscreen even though Jaechan is squirming and squawking that he’s an adult and can do it himself which only leads to Donghan showering him with more noisy wet kisses and cooing about how precious Jaechan is. 

It’s mildly nauseating. 

“Now you know how I feel,” Insoo says tonelessly. 

Sangbin grabs Insoo by the back of the head and dunks his head into the pool, holding him under until Eunki comes splashing over, looking extremely alarmed. Sangbin releases Insoo who pops up dramatically, spraying water everywhere and gasping desperately for air. 

“Eunki, Eunki,” Insoo paddles towards him. “Sangbin just tried to kill me.” 

“It would be for the best,” Sangbin grouches, turning his attention back to Donghan, who has succeeded in getting Jaechan to stand still so he can rub sunscreen on his back. Sangbin would honestly get out of the pool and rescue Jaechan from Donghan’s clutches if Sangbin had not already made himself look like a tool by slowly stripping off his shirt trying to make Jaechan look at him. And Jaechan had looked, for a nanosecond, before looking away, face a few shades redder than before. So now Sangbin was uncomfortably shirtless in a freezing cold pool. He doesn’t understand how Donghan can just be so tactile. Kissing people! In public! Like it’s nothing at all! Sangbin just wants to know why Donghan has a free pass to fondle Jaechan when Taedong had threatened his life based on things Sangbin might do in the future. 

Life wasn’t fair. 

“We should play a game,” Hwanwoong says, though he sounds equally soulless. “Like that pushing game.” 

“You just want to shove someone into the water, don’t you?” Eunki observes. 

Hwanwoong nods and Sangbin manages to grab hold of Jaechan before Donghan can. “You’re too tall,” Sangbin says to Donghan’s confused, kicked puppy face. “It would be unfair.” 

“I don’t want Hwanwoong’s thighs anywhere near me,” Insoo snaps. 

“Well it can’t be the other way, you’re so heavy you’d snap my neck,” Hwanwoong retorts as he clambers onto Insoo’s shoulders. 

“I hate you,” Insoo says. “Jaechannie please shove Hwanwoong as hard as you can.” 

Jaechan is nervously resting a hand on the top of Sangbin’s head to keep his balance. “Are you sure?” he asks. “He’s a hyung.” 

“A hyung who deserves it,” Insoo reiterates. 

“I’ll kill you,” Hwanwoong promises Insoo. 

“Please get him off me,” Insoo implores. “I think I can feel his balls on the back of my neck.” 

“Don’t be disgusting,” Eunki chides. 

Sangbin pays no attention to Hwanwoong and Jaechan actually pushing each other, instead enjoying being able to hold onto Jaechan’s thighs and having his head between them. And when Hwanwoong topples Jaechan into the water, Sangbin pulls Jaechan out of the water with more care than necessary, scooping Jaechan into his arms, and fussing over him. “Are you okay?” 

“Yes, hyung,” Jaechan squeaks, blinking water out of his eyes. This was a bad idea. Sangbin really wants to kiss him now.

“Why did you push our baby so hard?” Insoo demands from his perch. “Hwanwoong, I will come down and hurt you.” 

“I got water up my nose,” Jaechan says. “I’m going to the bathroom.” 

Donghan looks like he’s going to offer to go with Jaechan or protest Jaechan leaving the pool, so Sangbin splashes water in his face. “Go play,” Sangbin says while Donghan splutters. “I’ll go with him.” 

“You don’t have to chaperone me,” Jaechan says when they’re walking. “I was just going to blow my nose.” 

“I know,” Sangbin replies. “I just wanted to walk with you.” 

Jaechan’s cheeks are a bit pink. “You don’t have to look out for me like this. I’m fine.” 

“I know. I’m not trying to baby you; I just want to be close to you.” 

“You’re making me blush.” 

“That’s the best part. I love making you blush.” 

Jaechan’s face flares up even redder. “Hyung.” 

“I’m sorry. Is it too much?” 

“No,” Jaechan bites his lip. “I like it.” 

Sangbin pinches Jaechan’s cheek. “Is Donghan usually that sweet on you? The kissing?” 

“Donghan hyung is always like that,” Jaechan nods. “I think there’s something he still feels guilty about, so he tries to treat me really nicely.” 

“Oh? What’s that?” 

Jaechan’s face loses its color very suddenly. “It’s nothing,” he says quickly. “Maybe he used to think he was taking Taedong hyung away from me, but we get along now. We’re just really close.” 

It’s a little puzzling but Sangbin doesn’t really feel like opening that can of worms now. “I think he’s very free with his affection,” he says. “I guess it must have been worrying to see someone all over Taedong like that. I know he really worries Insoo.” 

Jaechan frowns. “He just likes Kenta hyung a lot. Donghan hyung is like that with everyone he likes.” 

“I know, but you know Insoo.” Sangbin sighs heavily. “He’s really sensitive.” 

“Hyung shouldn’t worry. Kenta hyung loves him so much.” 

“How can you tell?” There goes Sangbin’s mouth again. 

Jaechan is frowning at him. “What do you mean, hyung? It’s obvious. When you look at them you can tell they’re in love.” 

Sangbin bites down hard enough on his tongue to keep him from asking, “you can?” Even so, he must be making a face because Jaechan sighs at him. 

“Hyung, you can tell. The way they look at each other says it. They have stars in their eyes.” 

Sangbin decides it’s safest to shrug because he doesn’t trust his stupid mouth to say anything intelligent. 

Jaechan is looking at him, a bit mystified. “Can you really not see it?” 

“Do I have to?” Sangbin tries to keep it from coming out harshly. “Why are you pressing me?” 

Jaechan shrugs. “You and Insoo hyung are so close. I thought you would have known.” 

“We’re close but I don’t know Kenta, I told you.” 

“You can tell Eunki hyung is in love, right?” 

“Of course I can.” Sangbin thinks if anyone looks at Eunki mooning over his phone and doesn’t know that Eunki is in love is definitely blind. 

Jaechan is smiling at him. “So you can tell Eunki hyung is in love, but not Insoo hyung?” 

“With Eunki it’s obvious,” Sangbin says. “For Insoo it’s different.” Sangbin doesn’t really want to unload all of Insoo’s angst onto Jaechan. “Why are you so fixated on it?” 

Jaechan hums softly. “It’s just surprising. That’s all.” 

Sangbin sighs. “Just worry about yourself, kid.” 

Jaechan laughs. “I think I get fixated because I wonder what people think when they look at me.” Jaechan looks a little misty. “I wonder if people see us together and think we’re in love too.” 

Sangbin’s insides freeze because shit Jaechan can’t just say things like that it makes him want to shrivel up because he still doesn’t think he can be as emotionally available as Jaechan deserves. He likes sleeping in Jaechan’s bed even if it’s realistically too small for both of them because it just means Jaechan has to sleep in his arms. He likes their closeness and how Jaechan’s body is his to play with even if they don’t have sex. It’s too tempting, the thought of being Jaechan’s first, and it’s a repeating fantasy, thinking about what it would be like having him and Sangbin’s too selfish to give that up. 

“Sorry,” Jaechan smiles at him apologetically. “I know I shouldn’t say things like that.” 

Sangbin’s mouth is still dry so he ruffles Jaechan’s hair, hoping the gesture can tell Jaechan anything about how he actually feels.

 

“Am I a bad person?” 

“Yes. You’re actual human refuse.” 

“I’m being serious.” 

Insoo turns to look at him. “I’m dead serious.” 

Sangbin rolls his eyes. “Forget I asked.” 

“Why? Is it about Jaechannie?” 

Sangbin huffs. “No. I was just wondering. Generally.” 

“Yeah. You still suck.” 

Sangbin elbows Insoo in the side. 

 

“Hyung,” Jaechan’s voice is so beautiful when it’s high and breathless in his ear. “Hyung, please, more, more, more.” 

Sangbin can’t say no to that. Somehow whenever he leaves Jaechan’s room to cool off he only comes back to feel even more hot and bothered, edged on by Jaechan’s soft squeaks that Sangbin suddenly felt cold against his still heated skin and it only made Sangbin get hard all over again as he pushed Jaechan deeper into his mattress and trailed kisses all over his body. It’s different, with Jaechan tugging at his shirt, begging for more, and it makes Sangbin’s blood run hotter as he tears his shirt back off and rocks his hips even harder against Jaechan’s, gasping at every precious noise that tumbles out from between Jaechan’s lips. Sangbin is so eager as he hastily shoves his pants back down around his ankles and kicks them off. If Jaechan makes this much noise when they’re like this, he must be a screamer and Sangbin gets dizzy thinking about how everyone is going to hear them fuck and it only makes him feel hotter. 

Sangbin begins to slowly peel Jaechan’s boxers off him, revealing just enough of his skin so Sangbin can sink his teeth into the juncture of Jaechan’s hip and his voice breaks at the contact of teeth on skin. Sangbin knows Jaechan doesn’t like it, but he can’t help but bite down harder, breaking the skin just enough to leave a dark love bite in his wake before peppering the skin around Jaechan’s hip with them. When he’s satisfied with his handiwork, Sangbin returns to peeling Jaechan’s boxers off him, pausing to lick right above the waistband and Jaechan arches his back into it. Sangbin sucks another love bite into the skin right below Jaechan’s navel and he can hear Jaechan’s sweet panting. 

Just as Sangbin is about to pull Jaechan’s boxers off, Jaechan suddenly presses his thighs together and his hands fumble for Sangbin’s. “Wait, wait, please, wait, please don’t…” 

Sangbin lets out a frustrated growl as he rests his forehead against Jaechan’s stomach, breathing heavily as he wills his fingers to loosen against the fabric. He tries to regain his composure quickly, so he can look at Jaechan without losing his mind again. It’s not fair for Jaechan to be telling him no when he’s so pretty, all red and flushed. 

Sangbin eases himself into a sitting position and Jaechan scoots away from him, fixing his boxers and looking everywhere but Sangbin. Sangbin runs a hand through his hair. 

“I’m sorry.” Jaechan says eventually. “I’m really sorry.” 

“It’s fine.” Sangbin says heavily. His heart is still pounding and his erection hasn’t gone away.

Jaechan pulls his knees up to his chest. “You must really think I’m leading you on.” 

“I don’t,” Sangbin’s mouth feels dry again. “If you’re not ready, you’re not.” 

Jaechan doesn’t say anything so Sangbin stands and his knees feel wobbly but he pulls his clothes back on just so he can waddle back to take another cold shower. 

 

Eunki is walking on air and when Sangbin asks why he’s in such a good mood, Eunki tells him that he’s finally going to China to see his boyfriend. Jung Jung’s sister in getting married and Eunki is going to be his plus one. It’s nice to see Eunki so cheery.

Eunki is in such a great mood so he invites everyone out to eat and Sangbin goes against his better judgement, but he thinks it might seem strange if he doesn’t go. No one knew he and Jaechan were doing anything together, so hopefully no one notices the tenseness between them now. He doesn’t even get a chance to try sitting next to Jaechan, because Jaechan sits between Donghan and Taedong. Which is fine. 

Sangbin actually thinks he’s going to make it out alive, because it’s easy to ignore the distinct uneasiness he feels being near Jaechan, when Jaechan stands up to reach across the table to pass Insoo something when his shirt rides up his side and ah fuck the hickeys haven’t faded. Sangbin feels like someone is crushing his lungs because fuck him Taedong looks over and sees and Sangbin knows he sees them because his expression changes for a second before Jaechan sits back down and Sangbin thinks he’s actually going to die tonight. 

He thinks maybe he wouldn’t get sawed in half by his own motorcycle had he not woken up to Jaechan curled up on the floor with a pillow and a sheet the morning after that night, apparently unwilling to make Sangbin leave. Sangbin had been short with Jaechan, because it didn’t make sense to him to not force him to leave if he had crossed such a significant boundary. 

“If you’re uncomfortable with me, tell me to leave,” Sangbin had said. “Don’t sleep on the floor and make yourself more uncomfortable.” 

The atmosphere between them had only gotten worse when they saw each other, even Insoo had picked up on it quickly, though surprisingly he didn’t have anything snarky to say. Sangbin had dreaded seeing Jaechan with Taedong, because he didn’t want to see how easily and comfortably their bodies slotted together. He was burningly jealous of it. 

He didn’t want things to be so sour with Jaechan because he knew it was his fault for pushing too hard and wanting too much without being willing to give anything in return. He knows Jaechan is too nice to put his foot down and kick Sangbin out for being sleaze and he shouldn’t have been aggravated at Jaechan for something he already knew.

Sangbin tries to make peace with himself and his life choices when Taedong rises from the table with Jaechan and they excuse themselves. Sangbin thinks he’s stupid but he gets up and excuses himself to the bathroom but instead of actually going, he tries to follow where Taedong and Jaechan have gone so he can eavesdrop. 

“Oh, hyung, don’t…” 

“When did that happen? Who did that?” 

“Taedong hyung…” 

“Jaechannie, just tell me…” 

“It’s nothing…” 

“If he’s hurting you when you’re… doing things… I’m going to…” 

“Oh, hyung! That’s not… These aren’t… I walked into a table!” 

Sangbin winces at the obvious lie. He doesn’t even know why Jaechan is lying for him, when Sangbin really violated trust between them, and especially when Jaechan has always maintained that Taedong’s threats are only hot air. 

“Jaechan,” Taedong’s voice is so soft, so gentle. It makes Sangbin’s heart skip a beat. Can’t he tell when someone is in love? He thinks he can. “You know you can tell me, right? You can tell me if you’re being hurt.” 

“But I’m not,” Jaechan sighs. Sangbin can imagine his face, the tender look in his eyes. “You know I would tell you anything that was bothering me.” 

There’s a silence and Sangbin is struck with a morbid desire to know why they’re quiet so he pushes through the door outside and sees the way Jaechan tries to pull away from Taedong. Sangbin feels a little bit sick. 

“Sorry, am I interrupting something?” Sangbin doesn’t know what his voice sounds like, he thinks it must be hollow. 

“You’re not,” Taedong’s voice is cold as he ushers Jaechan back through the door. 

Sangbin wants to knock his head against the wall. He feels like shit. It somehow feels worse when Jaechan comes back outside just to sink himself into Sangbin’s arms. “Sangbin hyung…” 

“Jaechan…” 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Jaechan breathes out. “I love you. I love you and you can have me if you want me.” 

“Don’t say that. Any of that.” Sangbin says roughly. “I don’t want anything from you that you don’t want to give me willingly. I’m not going to force you to do anything for me.” 

“I’m sorry.” Jaechan repeats. “Hyung, I really do like you.” 

“I’m not good for you,” Sangbin says. “Taedong’s much better for you…” 

“Don’t say that, please,” Jaechan says. “It’s still you that I like. I still want to try.” 

Sangbin should tell him no, but instead he wraps his arms around Jaechan and cradles him against his chest, wishing he didn’t like the way Jaechan melts against him. It’s too selfish to want him like this, but Sangbin can’t help it. If it’s still him, it makes him want Jaechan more. He presses kisses against Jaechan’s forehead, trying to be gentle, trying to be loving. There’s something there that’s enough to make him feel awful for hurting Jaechan and making him sad and Sangbin holds onto that wondering if it’s going to bloom into something as strong as what Jaechan feels for him. Sangbin thinks he wants it to, but it’s scary because he doesn’t know how to act and he thinks he’s only going to hurt Jaechan again and that just makes everything feel so much worse.


	4. Four (Part I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A study of Yoon Jaechan in two parts,
> 
> Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello I am here and I am slowly wasting away and I vastly underestimated how much I thought could fit into this chapter, so I ended up splitting it in half. Thematically, this works because this and the next chapter will be from Jaechan's perspective and (hopefully) give some insight to the way he acts. 
> 
> This chapter covers events that predate the Sangbin chapters of this fic, which in turn coincide with the events of "blood guts and chocolate cake" and "come on skinny love" (neither of which you need to read to understand this chapter)
> 
> Content warning: sexual harassment (around the beginning and middle) 
> 
> I'm sorry for the delays, my semester is almost almost almost over and my hell show opens this week so I'll be free soon! Thank you for your patience and I hope you enjoy!! 
> 
>  
> 
> Oh oh one more thing!! Sangbin is debuting tomorrow, 12 December 2017!! Be sure to support his debut!!

It starts when Jaechan is in his last year of high school - the texts. It’s when he’s spending more time at school or at his hagwon than at home and it’s lonely because his closest friends already graduated but since he’s busy he doesn’t dwell on it a lot. If he does, he might start feeling threatened that Taedong has a new best friend. Jaechan might start feeling scared that he’s alone.

It’s innocuous at first. A message from a guy at his hagwon asking for notes because he wasn’t in class. Jaechan doesn’t recognize the phone number, nor the guy’s name, but he gives him the notes because he doesn’t see why not. The guy starts texting him more, explains he has a family situation that’s keeping him away from classes, but he doesn’t want to get too far behind in the work. Jaechan has no problem with it, even when the guy says he’s back in classes but they don’t seem to share any lessons and he hasn’t come by to introduce himself.

Jaechan becomes more and more stressed when it gets closer to college entrance exams, and he spends even less time at home, but he sees more of Taedong (and Taedong’s new best friend Donghan) when they stop by his hagwon to bring him coffee and Jaechan finds that he really likes Donghan too. 

The texts start getting a little more personal soon after. 

Ha.MH. [do u have a boyfriend?] 

Yoon.JC. [no, why do you ask?] 

Ha.MH. [that guy who comes to see u a lot… i thought u were dating] 

Yoon.JC. [oh, no, that’s my best friend] 

Jaechan doesn’t think much of it, because even Eunki and Insoo have asked about him and Taedong and Jaechan’s used to it. It’s different coming from someone he still hasn’t met in person, Jaechan finds it odd, but nevertheless he doesn’t let it bother him. 

It does bother him, though, when he gets a message asking if Jaechan wants to meet after hagwon and go to this guy’s student housing. Jaechan declines because he has a pile of homework to do. He tries to not think of what the guy might have wanted, because there’s no point in overthinking it. It was probably harmless. 

College entrance exams pass by him quickly and Jaechan has never been so relieved. He thinks it might be bad luck to celebrate early, but Eunki and Insoo and Hwanwoong take him out to celebrate surviving the exam, claiming it’s Taedong’s job to take him out if he gets into his first choice for university. 

The guy from his hagwon texts Jaechan more and things start to take a turn when the results come in and Jaechan is ecstatic to find out that he got into his first choice, meaning next year he’ll be joining Taedong and Eunki and Insoo and Hwanwoong at their university. 

Ha.MH. [congrats] 

Yoon.JC. [thank you!] 

Ha.MH. [to celebrate, do u want me 2 fuck you?] 

Jaechan is frozen solid, he doesn’t know if that’s a serious proposition or a joke or what, only knows that it makes his insides turn icy with something that feels like fear. Jaechan doesn’t answer the text, unsure of what to even say, when his phone buzzes again. 

Ha.MH. [damn it was a joke] 

Ha.MH. [lighten up] 

Jaechan still doesn’t answer because he doesn’t know what to do. It wasn’t funny and it made Jaechan uncomfortable, so Jaechan ignores the message. It doesn’t stop the guy from continuously messaging him, but it feels different. A lot of people have quit going to hagwon because the exams are over, but Jaechan still goes because he wants to keep his grades high. He’s heard horror stories of kids who let their grades slip and had their acceptances retracted and that’s more terrifying than anything these texts can say to him. 

Even though he’s busied himself with more work, it doesn’t stop the texts from shattering his concentration every time. Jaechan thinks he should block the number, but he’s acutely worried that this guy, who he still hasn’t seen, will one day turn up at the hagwon demanding to know why Jaechan suddenly cut him off. It’s a bit morbid, but Jaechan can’t bring himself to do anything but watch text message notifications appear on his screen. 

Ha.MH. [why r u being like this]

Ha.MH. [r u still mad about that] 

Ha.MH. [i said it was a joke]

Ha.MH. [get a sense of humor]

Jaechan doesn’t tell Taedong, because Taedong will worry, and it’s not a big deal. Jaechan can handle text messages. He doesn’t answer them and tries to not spend much time reading them.

Ha.MH. [unless u changed ur mind and do want 2 fuck] 

Ha.MH. [its ur fault for being so hot] 

Jaechan doesn’t say anything to any of his other friends either, even if he’s starting to feel a little bit more vulnerable and scared. He tells himself it’s fine, that this is just an immature reaction to Jaechan rejecting this guy’s advances. 

Ha.MH. [*picture attachment] 

It changes when he sends Jaechan a picture of his back in the hagwon and Jaechan whips around in his seat, eyes desperately scanning the rows behind him for the incriminating face but all he sees are the faces of people he already knows and their bowed heads that are intently studying. It sends Jaechan into a cold sweat, wondering if that person is here, among the people he already knows. He can’t focus. 

Ha.MH. [it’s not right to lead somebody on like this]

Ha.MH. [and then just ignore them out of the blue]

Ha.MH. [i should teach u a lesson]

Ha.MH. [cocktease]

Even though Jaechan can hardly focus, he refuses to give up going to hagwon just because there’s a creep there, so he keeps his phone on his desk ready to call for help if he needs to. He thinks he might be close to a breaking point, because the texts he’s getting are becoming increasingly indecent, but Jaechan tries to tune them out as much as he can. He tells himself he can handle it even though he feels filthy every time he has to read whatever sexually depraved thing this guy writes to him. It’s just general filth, what he writes, and Jaechan tells himself it’s not what this guy thinks of doing to him. As long as it stays indirect, Jaechan tells himself that it’s fine.

What pushes him over the edge is when it finally does become personal, and then Jaechan can’t take it anymore because he’s terrified. 

Ha.MH. [*picture attachment] 

Ha.MH. [ur so close 2 me]

Ha.MH. [i can’t wait 2 make u cum] 

He goes to Taedong because he doesn’t know who else to turn to when he’s been sent a picture of himself with a message like that. It’s a picture of him outside the hagwon during a break with some classmates. It’s a picture that’s so close it hasn’t been zoomed in on, means that the person who took it was only breaths away, means that if whoever has been bothering him really wanted to take Jaechan and make good on the weeks of threatening texts he could and Jaechan can’t handle it anymore. 

He feels disgusting when Taedong has to scroll back so far and read months and months of messages and it kills him to see the look on Taedong’s face when the messages turn threatening and sexual and Jaechan wants to crawl into a hole and never come out. 

Taedong finishes reading and pulls Jaechan into his arms, hand cradling Jaechan’s head as Jaechan finally lets go and sobs into Taedong’s shoulder. It feels cathartic, but awful, and Taedong just rubs his back and holds him close. 

When Jaechan has calmed down again, Taedong pats Jaechan’s face with a tissue. “Why didn’t you say something sooner?” he asks gently. 

Jaechan doesn’t know what to say. He thinks it was guilt, or maybe shame, that if he had just ignored that first request for notes, or even if he had rebuffed the guy for propositioning him, it wouldn’t have spiraled out of control like this. 

“If you insist on still going to your hagwon,” Taedong continues when Jaechan doesn’t answer, “I’ll come and pick you up when you finish your class.” 

Jaechan immediately gets flustered. “No, hyung, you’re so busy, I couldn’t…” 

Taedong waves away his protests. “It’s fine. Jaechannie, you’re worth it.” 

Taedong blocks the number and tells Jaechan to keep his wits about him but to not worry because Taedong will come running whenever Jaechan calls. Jaechan is on edge but Taedong is there when he says he will be and Jaechan gets used to Taedong waiting for him. It throws him off, when one night it’s Donghan waiting for him, but Donghan explains that Taedong had to stay late to work on a project so Donghan had come in his stead. Donghan is chatty as he walks Jaechan back to his boarding house. Jaechan has grown to like him a lot and Donghan sees Jaechan into his building before leaving and then texts Jaechan to make sure he got back into his room without problems. 

Kim.DH. [please send taedongie a proof selca to make sure he knows you got home!]

Kim.DH. [hyung was so worried about you when i left] 

Kim.DH. [kekeke he cares about you so much] 

Kim.DH. [you two are so close, i’m jealous] 

Yoon.JC. [i sent one just now!] 

Yoon.JC. [ah hyung don’t be jealous, i was the jealous one, i thought taedong hyung wouldn’t have time for me anymore now that he made university friends]

It seems silly to Jaechan now, to feel oddly jealous and threatened by Donghan, who has become such a kind presence in his life. Kind enough even, to show up with Taedong and their other friends at Jaechan’s graduation, to offer to introduce Jaechan to people in the music department even though he wasn’t in it himself, and to talk his ear off about how he’ll do anything to help Taedong perform his bodyguard duties through the summer and the beginning of the fall semester. Donghan is sweet and fawns over Jaechan and showers him with affection and it seems silly that Jaechan was ever unsure of whether or not he and Donghan could be friends. 

During the summer, Donghan tells Jaechan there’s someone he wants him to meet. A friend of a friend that Donghan has met once before. “He’s my and Taedongie’s age,” Donghan says. “He’s nice. When I met him he was nice.” 

“Hyung,” Jaechan whines, trying to hide his nerves, “are you trying to set me up on a blind date?” 

“Would it be okay?” Donghan smiles sheepishly. “I’m kind of coordinating with our friend now because he’s been brooding lately.” 

Jaechan gives Donghan a wishy-washy answer about needing to think about it, so Taedong asks him about it later. “Do you want to go?” Taedong questions. 

Jaechan shrugs. “Maybe.” 

Taedong nods. “If you decide to go, you know you can call me for anything, right?” 

Jaechan decides to go and Donghan scoops him up and plants a giant kiss on his cheek thanking him. It starts off well, the guy goes to Taedong and Donghan’s (and now Jaechan’s) rival university and they joke about how if things work out they’ll have some star crossed thing happening. Jaechan finds it strange the guy picks the chili peppers out of the basket of vegetables and bites straight into them and coughs to try to cool off his mouth. It starts to decline when he starts to insinuate he might want to take Jaechan home, and Jaechan starts feeling a familiar sense of discomfort. 

It completely derails when, after they’ve left the restaurant, the guy’s hand lands right on Jaechan’s ass and he squeezes hard, pulling Jaechan flush against him so Jaechan can feel his erection through his pants, and Jaechan can hardly hear what he says through the roaring in his ears as his instincts kick in and Jaechan shoves the guy away and takes off running in the opposite direction. Jaechan runs until his legs and lungs are on fire and he has no clue where he is. He fumbles with his phone, shaking from his still racing heart and the sudden chill in the summer night air. 

Taedong picks up after one ring. “Jaechannie…” 

“Please come pick me up,” Jaechan blurts out. He can hear Taedong standing up on the other side of the line. “I have no idea where I am.” 

“Okay, okay.” He can hear Taedong rustling with his keys and the opening and closing of a door. “Can you walk to somewhere like a store? I’ll be able to find you if you can give me a landmark.” 

Jaechan walks down the street until he gets to a convenience store. He reads the street names off to Taedong, who asks if Jaechan wants to stay on the phone with him while he drives. Jaechan declines and says he can buy a cup of coffee and wait inside the store. 

Taedong pulls up after a few minutes and Jaechan climbs into the passenger seat and pulls his knees to his chest. “Are you okay?” Taedong asks him softly. 

Jaechan shrugs his shoulders. He doesn’t know. He feels better now that he’s in Taedong’s car, but his heart is still racing. 

“Can you tell me what happened?” 

Jaechan’s mouth feels too dry. He can feel his face heating up with shame again. 

“It’s okay,” Taedong’s voice is wobbling strangely, like he’s fighting to keep it steady for Jaechan’s sake. “You can tell me.” 

“He groped me,” Jaechan says in a small voice. He can see Taedong’s knuckles whiten as he grips the steering wheel tighter. 

Taedong waits until they’re stopped at a red light to look over at Jaechan. “It’s going to be okay,” he says slowly. “I’ll make sure he doesn’t bother you anymore. I’ll talk to Donghan.” 

“Hyung,” Jaechan says suddenly. “It’s not Donghan’s fault, please don’t be mad at him…” 

“I’m not,” Taedong reassures him as the light changes. “I just want to ask Donghan about the guy, that’s all.” 

Donghan falls over himself trying to apologize to Jaechan, all anxious glances and sweaty palms, squeezing Jaechan’s hands and petting his hair and generally fussing over him. “I’m so sorry,” comes out of Donghan’s mouth like a mantra. “I really had no idea he was like that, I yelled at my friend but he didn’t know either, we’re both furious at him, you aren’t mad at me are you, is Taedong mad at me, do you both hate me now?” 

Jaechan shakes his head. “No, hyung, I don’t hate you. Neither does Taedong hyung.” 

Donghan still drapes himself over Jaechan’s shoulders and waits on him hand and foot for the next week even when Jaechan insists it isn’t necessary because he really doesn’t blame Donghan for anything, but Donghan continues to shower Jaechan with affection. If Taedong talked to the guy, Jaechan doesn’t know, and they end up not talking about it at all. 

 

His first semester in university, Jaechan ends up spending a lot of time with Donghan because they have most of the same breaks. Donghan seems to be especially sweet on him and is constantly offering to treat Jaechan to coffee or lunch and Jaechan tries to insist he does have his own money but Donghan seems quite cavalier with his finances and pays anyway. 

Insoo isn’t subtle when he asks. “Jaechannie, is there a man with money in your life?” 

Jaechan almost faints. 

Almost fainting apparently didn’t do the trick, or maybe it’s because Donghan still takes him out a lot, because Eunki asks him again, but less aggressively. 

Hong.EK. [are you seeing anyone, jaechannie?]

Yoon.JC. [no, hyung, why?]

Hong.EK. [i just noticed you and kim donghan spend a lot of time together. i was curious]

Yoon.JC. [no, we hang out together because of taedong hyung]

Yoon.JC. [dongan hyung and i are just good friends]

Hong.EK. [ok jaechannie, hyung was just wondering]

Jaechan tries to not overthink it. Of course Insoo and Eunki have questions, Jaechan doesn’t know how well they know Donghan, and he and Donghan do spend a lot of time together. It’s like how they used to ask him about Taedong and if they had started dating. 

Jaechan sees Taedong too, somehow not as often as Donghan, but still a lot considering how busy Taedong is. Jaechan feels bad because Taedong loaded his schedule with advanced classes and he seemed to be paying for it and not sleeping nearly enough. Jaechan buys him coffee when they do see each other, and Jaechan has a lot of extra pocket money because of Donghan. 

Taedong is so busy that Jaechan doesn’t expect it when Taedong shows up at the door of Jaechan’s student housing with a cupcake and a sheepish grin on Jaechan’s birthday. 

“We always spend your birthday together,” Taedong explains. “So I made sure I was free.”

“Oh, hyung, you didn’t have to,” Jaechan can feel how warm his face is and Taedong just laughs as he pokes a small candle into the top of the cupcake. 

“Of course I did,” Taedong smiles as he lights the candle with the lighter he still keeps in his pocket, even though he quit smoking ages ago. “Blow it out quick before we set off the fire alarm.” Jaechan quickly blows out the candle. Taedong smiles at him. “Happy birthday, Jaechannie.”

And then, strangely, Taedong is brushing his fingers through Jaechan’s fringe and lifting it off of his forehead and why is Taedong leaning forward ever so slightly and pressing his lips against Jaechan’s forehead like that, what is Taedong doing. Jaechan is dizzy. Taedong is affectionate, not as much as Donghan, but they’ve known each other since they were little kids so they have a natural chemistry together that sometimes crosses over into physical affection but not like this and not when Taedong leans back as he trails his hand down the side of Jaechan’s face and says words Jaechan never expected to hear from Taedong.

“Jaechannie, I love you.” 

Jaechan can’t speak, he can’t think of what he can possibly say, because he doesn’t love Taedong as more than a friend but he can’t just say that to Taedong’s face. Taedong takes in his silence, and his expression which Jaechan is sure is shocked, and smiles faintly. 

“I thought you might not feel the same.” Taedong’s voice sounds sad and it hurts Jaechan so much to hear it. “I’m sorry.” 

Jaechan tries to talk but he is so tongue tied so Taedong keeps going. “I think I went crazy, right? But I couldn’t stop myself from falling in love with you.” 

Jaechan wants to make him stop because he doesn’t want to see Taedong breaking his own heart in front of his eyes. Taedong sighs. “I won’t make things strange between us. Don’t worry about me.” He pauses. “But can I ask…” he looks away. “Is there someone else that you like?” Jaechan nods even though it isn’t true because he hopes it will soften the blow for Taedong. Except it doesn’t seem to do much to stop Taedong from asking, “Is it Donghan?” 

Jaechan shakes his head. It’s one thing if he’s unknowingly broken Taedong’s heart, but he won’t drive a wedge between Taedong and Donghan. “It’s someone else,” Jaechan lies, his mouth feels altogether too dry and his voice sounds strange in his ears. 

Taedong accepts this and he carefully lays his hand on Jaechan’s wrist. “You know you can still rely on me? Please? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. Have I made things strange between us now?” 

Jaechan shakes his head fervently. “No, no, I’m just surprised.” 

Taedong’s hand is still on his wrist. “I might be strange for a few days, but I won’t stay that way. I value you too much.” 

Jaechan just nods, unsure of what else he can do. He feels some sort of terrible responsibility, like he should just love Taedong back, but when he looks at Taedong there aren’t the kinds of sparks that dramas and books tell him there should be if he’s in love. There’s only Taedong’s familiarity and remembering their childhoods and high school and Jaechan never wanting more than friendship.

Taedong squeezes his hand before he leaves, apologizing for making things strange and promising that he would be fine. 

Jaechan feels terrible, and he makes the mistake of thinking he can’t feel worse, only to find out that he certainly can feel a lot worse. Donghan approaches him the next day, but he looks strangely anxious and isn’t doing his usual fawning. It immediately sets Jaechan on edge. 

“Can I ask you something?” Donghan is fidgeting. 

“Of course, hyung,” Jaechan’s body fills with dread. 

“Is… Do you…” Donghan takes a steadying breath. “Is it you that Taedong likes? Because I was going to confess to him but…” Donghan’s eyes widen. “Oh, no, no, no, don’t cry…” 

Jaechan touches his face stupidly, feeling that he is indeed crying as Donghan uselessly fumbles with tissues and tries to wipe away Jaechan’s tears that are flowing uncontrollably against his will. He didn’t know he could feel this rotten about anything.

“I’m sorry,” Donghan says, “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

Jaechan can’t even pinpoint what he’s crying about. He shouldn’t really feel this way, Taedong said he was going to be fine so there was no reason to take personal responsibility for depriving Donghan of his happiness because Jaechan didn’t ask for Taedong to fall in love with him either but he can’t help but feel awful when Donghan is still feeling apologetic towards Jaechan and Jaechan thinks he’s the one in the wrong. Jaechan eventually does stop crying and Donghan looks relieved and drops whatever he wanted to say before and guilt claws at Jaechan’s stomach but he doesn’t want to cry again. 

Taedong doesn’t contact him for a couple days and right when Jaechan starts to worry Taedong will permanently keep his distance, Taedong texts him asking if he wants to grab coffee. Jaechan immediately agrees. When they do see each other, Jaechan starts wondering if they’re only pretending to be normal or if they are being normal. He wonders if Taedong is determinedly counting the seconds that his hands linger on Jaechan’s skin and timing it so his fingers don’t overstay their welcome because Jaechan is trying hard to not overthink whether or not Taedong is acting differently. What Jaechan hoped would make him feel better is actually just stifling him. 

It takes a few more awkward social interactions before Jaechan can tell Taedong has relaxed, and they can really behave normally around each other. Taedong and Donghan even seem closer than ever and though Jaechan would never ask, he still wonders if Donghan ever decided to confess.

Taedong talks him into taking intro to dance in the spring and Jaechan regrets it as soon as he walks into the classroom because the professor standing in the studio is not the one listed on the register and Jaechan and all the other students not majoring in dance soon find out that this professor is not remotely interested in them if they don’t plan on changing their major. 

It’s bad because all the non-dance majors end up failing their first practical and Woodam hyung cries because he’s supposed to graduate after this semester and won’t be able to if he continues failing this one dumb elective course. The other voice majors are sympathetic. 

There’s someone else in the class who looks familiar to Jaechan but it takes up until Insoo pops in after class for Jaechan to remember Sangbin from high school. He looks almost the same and has the same brusque mannerisms that made Jaechan too shy to make eye contact with him back then, not to mention that he never really saw Sangbin because Sangbin was a third year when Jaechan was a first year, and Jaechan only saw Sangbin out in the hallway, usually with Insoo, doing some kind of punishment. There were all kinds of rumors back then about Sangbin and that he might be in a gang or that the scar above his eyebrow was a badge of honor from a street brawl and even if that wasn’t true he still had a motorcycle that he sometimes rode to school even though it was against school policy. 

Jaechan knows better than to develop crushes on straight guys but he can’t help it because there’s just something magnetic in the way Sangbin carries himself, all rough around the edges and uncaring and Jaechan is sure girls go crazy over that. Jaechan just might go a little crazy over that. When Sangbin starts skipping dance classes after the first couple weeks, Jaechan assumes it’s because Sangbin has a girlfriend and Jaechan spares a few embarrassing thoughts about what kind of girl Sangbin must like, thinking he probably likes girls who are delicate and soft and probably as drawn in by his bad boy image as Jaechan is. 

Insoo asks him if he wants to join his dance showcase group for extra credit, swearing that he already talked to their dance professor and he agreed that if they performed well everyone failing would pass the class, so Jaechan agrees because he thinks it will stress him out less, but it ends up stressing him out more. Insoo has good ideas but when faced with a group that doesn’t know how to dance, he gets irate and he and Sangbin end up fighting. Jaechan just hides beside Woodam, whose delicate sensibilities are always shaken to their core by how Insoo and Sangbin can rage at each other over nothing. Sangbin eventually starts skipping out on their practices when Insoo gets Jung Jung to help them out. Jaechan observes Jung Jung curiously, because he’s tall and handsome and speaks Korean in a thick, sweet accent and never seems to stop smiling. He’s endlessly optimistic and he’s a breath of fresh air. Sangbin still doesn’t return to practice

Jaechan decides to ask Eunki, because Eunki and Sangbin are much closer friends, and Eunki didn’t know that Sangbin was failing dance either. So Jaechan tells Eunki his theory Sangbin skips to visit a girlfriend and Eunki just smiles at him and supposes. Jaechan doesn’t quite know what to make of that. 

 

Jaechan spends more time than he’s comfortable admitting thinking about Sangbin when his hands are shyly tracing patterns into his skin. He thinks about Sangbin too much and he’s actually thankful that he doesn’t see Sangbin that often because Jaechan doesn’t think he’d be able to look at Sangbin after he’s touched himself and unconsciously thought about how Sangbin’s lips might feel on his skin. 

Jaechan didn’t think he was shy about sex until he actually started thinking about it and he felt his face heating up and he realized he was extremely shy about it. Even when he did trail his hands over his body, he nervously avoided the places he knew would make his skin feel too hot. Maybe it’s because he feels a little guilty, trying to touch himself when he can’t help but think about someone in particular. Luckily, Jaechan doesn’t seem to feel much of an urge to do it, maybe it’s because he can’t get himself comfortable enough to do it without worrying someone will hear him and he has to share a kitchen and a bathroom with everyone on this floor and the thought of anyone hearing him in such an intimate moment is beyond mortifying. 

It’s especially lucky because Sangbin starts showing up to class and dance practice again and Jaechan continues to shy away from him and his strong aura. It’s worse now because of Jaechan’s dumb crush. Sangbin is intimidating to start with, and Jaechan likes that about him, but Jaechan has tried jerking off when Sangbin has been on his mind and Jaechan is struck with an irrational fear that Sangbin knows and will confront him about it. (And perhaps bend him over something and… no, Jaechan won’t let his thoughts go there.)

Jaechan instead tries to focus on dance practice. It’s not that he’s bad at dancing, or even has trouble learning under pressure, or is even not used to Insoo’s yelling - because he experienced all that when he was a high school first year, and all at the same time. But back then he had Eunki and Hwanwoong coaxing him along the couple times Insoo made him cry. Insoo doesn’t have quite the same effect on him anymore, because Jaechan has seen Insoo absolutely crumble in the face of a well-timed flutter of the eyelashes from Kenta and there’s nothing all that intimidating about Insoo when he’s soft. (And Jaechan has gotten taller than him too.) 

Practicing is always exhausting but it takes a toll on Woodam more one day when he starts having an asthma attack in the middle of practice and it’s a terrifying heartbeat before Jung Jung puts Woodam on his back and he and Insoo rush off to the nurses. Kiwon trails behind them asking if he should go too and suddenly Jaechan exhales sharply. 

Sangbin looks at him. “Are you okay? Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” 

Jaechan turns to Sangbin as a little sob escapes and Sangbin’s hand lands on the back of his neck as he gets pulled in for a hug. Jaechan clings to Sangbin’s arms and ends up crying on his chest. Sangbin carefully slides them onto the floor and Jaechan is practically sitting in Sangbin’s lap. 

“For fuck’s sake, are you okay?” Sangbin sounds slightly flustered as he pats Jaechan’s back. 

Jaechan can’t really answer because he’s been overtaken by his own sobbing. He feels quite like an idiot for breaking down in front of his equally idiotic crush. 

“Woodam’s fine.” Jaechan is suddenly very aware of Sangbin’s arm around his waist and the other that has started stroking his hair. “He had a rescue inhaler. The nurse’s office isn’t far.” 

Jaechan manages to nod against Sangbin’s shoulder as Sangbin continues to cradle him. Sangbin’s arms feel nice around him, protective even, and Jaechan tries to not convince himself that it means anything more than Sangbin is comforting him. Anyway, Jaechan is pretty sure Sangbin is not available to him in any capacity, so Jaechan just tries to settle himself and stop crying. 

Eunki’s voice cuts through his moment of calm as he pulls Jaechan back to his feet and immediately pulls Jaechan into a tight hug. “What happened? Baby, why are you crying?” Eunki is much more comfortable as he cuddles and fawns over Jaechan. Sangbin answers because Eunki’s arrival has brought on a fresh wave of tears so Jaechan untangles himself from Eunki and excuses himself to the bathroom. 

Jaechan splashes cold water on his face. He’s been a messy ball of stress so he knew something would make him snap and break down. Jaechan just wishes it hadn’t been his dear hyung having a medical emergency and the break down had been in front of his very big and very foolish crush. But Sangbin’s arms had felt nice around him; his body had been nice to lean on. Sangbin had felt reliable and that was bad because Jaechan’s crush really didn’t need to get any bigger but it had.

It perhaps gets worse when Sangbin says he’ll walk Jaechan home because that means Sangbin probably heard Jaechan on the phone with Taedong earlier and heard Jaechan trying to convince Taedong that he would be fine going home by himself. Jaechan isn’t quite sure what someone would think of that. 

Sangbin asks him if he’s okay as they start walking towards Jaechan’s student housing and Jaechan just nods meekly, unsure if he should apologize for breaking down in front of Sangbin or thank him for taking care of him. Sangbin just accepts the nod and comments that they seem to be walking in the same direction and when they do reach Jaechan’s student housing, Sangbin mentions that his own apartment is only a few streets further down. 

“I can keep walking with you, if you want,” Sangbin offers. “If your hyung can’t.” 

Jaechan can feel his ears turning pink. “That would be nice,” he squeaks. He mentally kicks himself immediately. Like he should not be spending so much time around Sangbin when he’s harboring some massively embarrassing crush. 

It makes Taedong happy to know Jaechan isn’t seeing himself home on nights when dance practice goes late (but Taedong and Donghan’s always go much later, if they end at all) so Jaechan decides to think of Sangbin walking him home as some mutually beneficial coincidence. They do walk the same path, so they might as well walk together instead of awkwardly trying to not match pace. 

They only make small talk and only really about their shared dance class. It feels odd to spend so much time with Sangbin and still not know much about him. All Jaechan really knows is that Sangbin went to the same high school as he did, and he can bicker with Insoo endlessly. Even so, Jaechan notices that the two of them are remarkably close. Jaechan thinks of bringing up Insoo as a way to facilitate more chatter with Sangbin, but eventually decides that he wouldn’t know what to say.

The semester passes without any other bumps in the road and everyone miraculously passes intro to dance. Jaechan is relieved, but he feels just a tiny bit sad thinking about Woodam graduating and not seeing a lot of people in any of his classes next year. Including Sangbin, who Jaechan knows isn’t a dance major, but doesn’t actually know what he studies. So Jaechan just hopes to fortunately run into him sometime in the fall and he’ll be able to think up a reason to say hello. Or, Jaechan muses, he can let Donghan set him up on another blind date, perhaps with someone Donghan actually knows, and he can get over his strange unrequited crush.


	5. Four (Part II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A study of Yoon Jaechan in two parts, 
> 
> Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Sorry, as usual, for the delay, but my semester and my finals are over and it is my goal to bang out the rest of this so I can wrap it up before the year ends. That's my goal and I hope to stick to it! Thanks much for your patience. 
> 
> This chapter covers the events of the first three chapters of this fic and a bit of new stuff at the end from Jaechan's point of view. 
> 
> Once again, thank you for patiently waiting for this update, and I hope you enjoy!

If there’s tension in the group, Jaechan feels a tiny bit responsible because he was the one who brought along Donghan, and Donghan was the one who threw himself on Kenta and the look on Insoo’s face when he did could have frozen all the fires of hell. Jaechan had been a bit blindsided by Donghan’s reaction, since he didn’t realize the “super small and cute tour guide hyung” Donghan had met (and rambled on about) on his tour of the graduate center was Kenta. 

Jaechan had started the summer vacation wondering how he would spend it, because he decided to not go home, but he also didn’t scrounge up any work. He figured he’d spend most of it with his friends, but Taedong had joined a summer dance academy and Donghan had been mooning over the guy he met while Jaechan had become uncertain. So Jaechan had been really relieved when Hwanwoong asked him if he wanted to join a group of them going paintballing but the atmosphere quickly turned awkward as Donghan was much too interested in chatting up Kenta to notice the way Insoo was glaring at him. It had persisted up until they were squashed in a booth and Jaechan was trying to already clear the day from his mind when Insoo’s knees had knocked against his while trying to shove his way out of the booth, “Kid, I don’t know how to tell you, but Sangbin likes cock.” 

Jaechan’s whole face had turned bright red, he could feel how hot his face was, because he didn’t know that - from the sound of it Hwanwoong didn’t know either - and Jaechan thinks of all the times he wondered about Sangbin’s ideal girl and how it was never girls he was interested in. He’s mildly embarrassed, but the odd feeling that Sangbin is somehow available pops up in his mind. He doesn’t know why, because for all he knows Sangbin could still be dating… 

“Do you really think I would give my virginity to someone pretending… oh fuck…”

Jaechan thinks he’s turning even redder, somehow he’s even more embarrassed than Insoo or Sangbin must be for letting that slip. A lot of things are making sense to Jaechan all of a sudden, like how the two of them argue and butt heads over everything and nothing. Jaechan’s still thinking about it when he’s biting into a popsicle and checking his phone. 

Kim.TD. [my sister is on her way home] 

Kim.TD. [did you eat?] 

Yoon.JC. [not really] 

Kim.TD. [because hyung couldn’t play with you today, i’ll treat you to dinner] 

Yoon.JC. [really? are you sure? where should i meet you?]

Kim.TD. [yes, there’s a nice place by the station] 

Jaechan looks up only to see Insoo doing something very inappropriate to Kenta’s ice cream before Eunki’s hands have covered his eyes and Eunki’s voice is ringing his ears about how Insoo can’t do that in front of the baby. Jaechan chooses that time to make his escape and runs off to meet Taedong. 

Jaechan tries to pay attention to Taedong’s recap of what he and his sister did during her visit but his mind is still racing about Sangbin and about how if he musters up his courage he might be able to turn his crush into more. But what is more with Sangbin? He doesn’t really know anything about Sangbin’s dating habits, only that he and Insoo slept together in the past, and so all Jaechan can know for sure is that Sangbin has sex. But Jaechan hasn’t. Jaechan rarely even masturbates because he doesn’t want to risk being heard by his neighbors. 

“What about you?” Taedong asks. “How was your day?” 

“Hyung, I think I want to have sex.” 

Taedong starts choking, really loudly, and it draws the attention of everyone in the restaurant, and the waiter comes running over with a glass of water and napkins to assist Taedong. When Taedong has recovered, with watering eyes and a raspy throat, Jaechan sheepishly clarifies. 

“Not with you,” he says anxiously. “Just. I think I’m ready.”

“What brought this on?” 

Jaechan flushes. “There’s… someone.” 

“Oh? The person that you like?” 

“Yes.”

Taedong sips his water. “Can I know who it is? You never mentioned a name.” 

Jaechan rubs the back of his neck. “It’s… Sangbin hyung.” 

A strange look passes over Taedong’s face. “Kim Sangbin?” When Jaechan nods, Taedong frowns. “He has a bad reputation, you know. I’ve heard a lot of people say that he sleeps around a lot. He’s only interested in sex.” 

“Hyung, I’m sure some of that’s exaggerated…” 

“Shouldn’t you…” Taedong sighs heavily. “I think I’m overstepping a boundary, but shouldn’t you save your first time for someone special? For someone who really loves you back?” 

“Hyung, did you save your first time for someone special?”

Taedong’s face twists a little oddly, and Jaechan can’t really decipher it because it passes too quickly. “I know you’re an adult, Jaechannie. I’m just looking out for you.” 

“I know, hyung. That’s why I wanted to tell you.” 

“It’s just because of what’s happened before,” Taedong sighs. “I think you have bad luck.” 

“It’s not the same,” Jaechan insists. “I know Sangbin hyung.” 

“Does he like you?” 

“I don’t know. I haven’t asked him.” Jaechan stares at the table. “I’m not saying that I’d jump into anything too soon. I just think that I’m ready if it were to happen.” 

Taedong just nods and Jaechan feels a strange sense of responsibility for putting Taedong’s mind at ease, as though he should say he and Sangbin are in love and have dated for however long Taedong thinks is appropriate before sharing a bed. Jaechan would even rather think Taedong’s precautionary attitude is because of some prudishness he was unaware of, and not because of the fact Taedong confessed to Jaechan. The latter keeps nagging him, because Jaechan worries that’s the truth. 

“Hyung, I know you must still see me as one, but… but I’m really not a kid anymore.” 

“I know you’re not, Jaechan,” Taedong sighs. “I just worry, that’s all.”

The atmosphere between them is strange and Jaechan feels terrible because he doesn’t want Taedong to worry about him, or worse, brood over the idea of Jaechan maybe sleeping with someone else. Jaechan thinks he should have just kept it to himself, but he’s so used to telling Taedong everything, and he wants to keep talking to Taedong about everything. Jaechan would hope that Taedong felt the same way about him. 

Jaechan spends the rest of the night agonizing over everything. He doesn’t actually know if he’s as ready as he’s convinced himself, and Taedong, because honestly Jaechan knows he’s shy to start with and self-conscious about his body and what will he do if his neighbors hear even a peep. Jaechan thinks he’s average looking, but there’s something that draws other people to him. He doesn’t know why, but there’s something he has that gets people to lust after him, even if Jaechan doesn’t want them too. Sangbin would be different, Jaechan thinks, because Jaechan wants Sangbin. 

But does Sangbin even want him? That’s something else. Jaechan’s let his fantasy run ahead of him and his thoughts are all jumbled when he doesn’t even know if Sangbin is interested. Jaechan only knows of one former flame, Insoo, and if Insoo is Sangbin’s type, Jaechan doesn’t think he makes the cut. (Then again, if the things Sangbin mutters about Insoo under his breath are any indication, Sangbin doesn’t look back on Insoo too fondly.) And if Sangbin is interested in sex, Jaechan can be interested in it too. 

But then there’s Taedong. Jaechan rolls over so he can agonize over the look on Taedong’s face when Jaechan said it was Sangbin. He couldn’t get a good read on Taedong’s expression. Was he angry? Or sad? Or disappointed? Jaechan just hopes Taedong isn’t jealous. He would rather Taedong just be angry at him for having bad taste than feel jealous of Sangbin. Jaechan buries his face in his pillow and sighs. 

Jaechan goes with the others to the movies the next day, unsure of why he’s really paying to see a movie that he thinks he won’t like, but Sangbin is there - and staring at him - and Jaechan can’t look at him because if he does he thinks Sangbin will be able to read his mind and know that Jaechan had tried to lull himself to sleep by palming the front of his pajama pants with Sangbin on his mind. His cheeks heat up when he remembers that. His face gets even hotter when he reminds himself he wants to try to make a move on Sangbin today. 

Sitting through the movie is sitting through three hours of personal hell because the movie is gory and horrifying and Jaechan wants to hide or leave but he can’t because he’s sitting next to Sangbin at the end of a row so he’s just trapped. Jaechan can’t get comfortable and he jumps out of his skin whenever he bumps Sangbin’s arm trying to use the armrest. It’s worse when Sangbin rests his hand against Jaechan’s arm during the particularly gory parts (as if Jaechan weren’t close enough to fainting). It’s a huge relief when the credits start rolling, but the theater is still dark. Jaechan thinks he can be brave when the lights are still dimmed. He did just survive a three hour movie that scared him shitless. In his peripheral vision, he sees Sangbin turning to look at him and he should do it now. 

Jaechan turns his head and presses his lips against Sangbin’s. Sangbin doesn’t pull away and doesn’t punch him, so Jaechan supposes that’s a positive start. Jaechan pulls away before kissing Sangbin one more time, just in case he’s about to get told off, because oh Sangbin’s lips are surprisingly soft and Jaechan thinks he wants to get used to kissing them. Jaechan lets his teeth catch on Sangbin’s lower lip as he pulls away and he feels Sangbin sharply exhaling when he does. Jaechan thinks that’s a good sign. 

Sangbin falls into stride with him as they walk home and Jaechan nervously counts the steps before they get to his student housing, hoping he doesn’t lose his nerve. He asks if Sangbin wants to come in Sangbin follows him. Jaechan becomes acutely aware that his room is a mess and if he had more foresight he should have cleaned. 

When Jaechan turns around from locking the door, Sangbin cages him against it with his arms and Jaechan lets out an alarmed little squeak. Sangbin’s voice is airy and teasing when he questions Jaechan about inviting him in, and Jaechan can feel his face reddening because does he really need to say it. Sangbin drags the rough pad of his thumb across Jaechan’s lip and Jaechan thinks he forgets how to breathe because Sangbin’s touch is smoldering. 

Jaechan whimpers. “I want to sleep with you.” 

Sangbin lifts him up to press him against the door and kisses Jaechan until he’s dizzy and everything spins when Sangbin drops Jaechan onto his bed and starts peeling off his clothes. Jaechan becomes suddenly aware that he doesn’t have any necessary supplies - because he’s never thought he’d need them - but Sangbin quickly dismisses it because Sangbin is prepared. 

Jaechan thinks he’s ready, because Sangbin’s touch makes him feel like he’s on fire and he just wants to lean into his touch more and more and let Sangbin touch him everywhere. Sangbin strips off his underwear and Jaechan thinks it might be indecent the way he’s ogling, but oh, Sangbin’s going to kill him, isn’t he? Not that Jaechan has seen a lot of naked guys in person, but he’s seen enough to have a good basis for comparison and Sangbin’s going to rip him in half. Jaechan says so.

“I could be gentle with you,” Sangbin offers with a smile, but he begins pulling his clothes back. “But if you don’t want to, we won’t.” 

Jaechan feels the need to apologize, for getting Sangbin so riled up without anything happening but Sangbin waves it away easily. Even if Sangbin still wants to kill him, teasing him and then spooning Jaechan so closely that Jaechan can still feel how aroused Sangbin is, Jaechan manages to fall asleep with Sangbin cradling him. 

 

When Sangbin touches him, Jaechan’s skin burns with the kind of desire he didn’t know he could have and when he lets Sangbin strip him practically naked, Jaechan still can’t get enough. There’s something though, like a trip switch, that always makes him pull away in fear. Maybe Taedong’s words scared him too much, maybe Jaechan is too afraid that Sangbin is only interested in one thing. 

“Did you do it?” is what Taedong asks him in lieu of greeting the day after. Jaechan turns bright red, thinking about how he woke up to Sangbin’s naked chest and remembering how tightly Sangbin held him in his sleep. Taedong grimaces. “Congratulations, I guess.” 

“Oh, no, hyung, I didn’t,” Jaechan looks away. “I got nervous and we didn’t.” 

Taedong regards him carefully before shrugging his shoulders.

Jaechan feels awkward. He doesn’t know how to get off the topic when Taedong is clearly thinking about it, so he brings up paintball because Hwanwoong had messaged everyone about maybe going again. Taedong accepts the invitation without much thought and Jaechan sighs. He isn’t used to Taedong being ruled by moods. Usually it’s Taedong who’s levelheaded and it’s Jaechan who’s pouting about things. He supposes it has to be different because Taedong is thinking about one of his closest friends and a person he was once in love with being with someone else. 

Jaechan doesn’t need Taedong to approve of Sangbin, because Jaechan is an adult. Objectively, he doesn’t really think any of his friends would approve of Sangbin, not even Eunki who indulges him the most. Insoo certainly wouldn’t, since one his favorite hobbies other than antagonizing Hwanwoong seems to be bad mouthing Sangbin (and calling him a useless sack of shit in front of a scandalized Woodam). Yet Jaechan still wants his friends to be comfortable with it, if their relationship - if they’ve even reached that point - goes anywhere.

They go paintballing, and Sangbin is looking at him strangely when he gets back from the bathroom. “I didn’t know you were that type,” he says when they’re alone. Off of Jaechan’s look, Sangbin continues, “I didn’t know you and Taedong were together.”

Jaechan isn’t sure what he manages to say because his brain feels scrambled as freezing cold waves of panic hit him relentlessly. He’s sure all he manages to get out are vehement denials, because Sangbin gently takes hold of him and asks him to calm down. 

“Hyung and I are just friends,” Jaechan says desperately. The last thing he needs is for Sangbin to lose interest in him before Jaechan can even try to keep it. Sangbin accepts his desperate floundering so Jaechan tries to pivot by bringing up Insoo. Jaechan learns a lot about Sangbin, that he and Insoo didn’t date, that he doesn’t know nor like Kenta, and that he thinks Jaechan is cute. 

But even if Sangbin finds Jaechan cute, Sangbin doesn’t want to date him, and the chill Jaechan feels standing shirtless in his room with his pants around his ankles and Sangbin unable to tell him that he wants more than sex shocks him out of any fanciful daydreams he had about Sangbin. 

“Taedong hyung told me you were only interested in sex,” Jaechan isn’t looking at Sangbin’s face but he can see how Sangbin suddenly tenses, the flash of anger that ripples through his body. 

Jaechan pulls up his pants, wanting to cover himself back up and hide from Sangbin’s searing eyes. Everything Sangbin says to him sounds like a lie. “You’re different,” is what goes too far and Jaechan kind of wants to cry. It’s such an obvious lie. 

“I’m not dumb,” Jaechan says unsteadily, pulling his shirt back on. 

“I’m sorry,” Sangbin says. “I’m shit at this. Really.” 

Jaechan doesn’t even want to ask, “Do you like me?” because Sangbin answers, “Of course I do.” 

“Do you want something other than sex from me?” 

Sangbin doesn’t answer. Instead he just stares at Jaechan with a hapless expression and it pains him. Jaechan doesn’t think he really expected or wanted much, and yet it still hurts to feel unwanted. 

“If you can’t answer me,” Jaechan sighs. “I don’t think meeting like this is a good idea.” 

Sangbin just nods, looking resigned. He steps forward and kisses Jaechan on the cheek, it feels like an apology that Jaechan doesn’t want, so Jaechan lets Sangbin out of his room and Sangbin leaves. Jaechan lingers outside his door for a moment too long because as soon as Sangbin is gone, his neighbor sticks his out of his door. 

“Did you have a date over?” Hyunwoo asks with a grin. 

Jaechan flushes. “Oh! No, hyung, I didn’t!” 

Hyunwoo winks at him. “Sure, Jaechannie, sleep well.” 

Jaechan nods and slips back into his room uneasily. 

 

Sangbin calls him the next day. 

“I want to take you out on a date,” is what he says instead of a proper greeting and Jaechan is so thrown that he just says, “what?” He agrees to let Sangbin take him out to coffee and he sits on his bed, head spinning. 

Kim.DH. [what is my jaechannie doing today?] 

Kim.DH. [donghanie is meeting cute kenta hyung today]

Kim.DH. [but jaechannie can come too!] 

Yoon.JC. [heol, hyung… this aegyo…] 

Yoon.JC. [i can’t, i am meeting a high school friend today] 

Kim.DH. [okay! have fun, jaechannie!]

Jaechan isn’t technically lying, and he’s sure that if Donghan is meeting Kenta, Insoo might be tagging along and Insoo will be violently sulking so Jaechan doesn’t mind missing out on that. 

Kim.TD. [donghan told me you were meeting a friend today, call me if you need anything] 

Sangbin picks him up on his motorcycle, and Jaechan is afraid for his life, so he clings as tightly as he can to Sangbin’s waist, hoping he doesn’t fall off the bike. They go to a cafe that’s tucked away on a quiet street and Sangbin orders them hazelnut coffees. The hazelnut syrup coats the backs of Jaechan’s teeth as Sangbin starts to talk. 

The thing is, Jaechan is already hatching a plan. Sangbin probably thinks he needs to beg for Jaechan’s forgiveness, but even if he didn’t, Jaechan would probably forgive Sangbin anyway. He knows Sangbin is brusque, and he never thought Sangbin would be a soft comforting shoulder for Jaechan to lean on. He knew that sex was what Sangbin was mainly interested in, and Jaechan had tried to convince himself that he was ready for sex. But he wasn’t. So Jaechan decides he needs to play a game, a game in which he lets Sangbin get hot and heavy with him, but not too hot, because Jaechan can’t go all the way yet, so Sangbin is enticed enough to stay interested. Because if Sangbin is just looking for someone to sleep with, he’s going to lose interest in Jaechan sooner than anything. 

They don’t have to date. They don’t have to be in love. 

But Sangbin feeds him the same line Jaechan is so used to hearing. That Taedong is better for him. 

Jaechan wonders if anyone knows that Taedong confessed to him when they say he and Taedong would make a good couple. He doesn’t think they could, because he didn’t tell anyone, and he doesn’t think Taedong did either. They might look good together because Taedong dotes on him, but Taedong doesn’t make Jaechan want. Sangbin does. 

“Everyone treats me like a baby, but I’m not.” Jaechan says hotly.

“I know you’re not a baby.”

“Then don’t treat me like one,” Jaechan can feel the heat rising in his face as he starts to rant. “So I can tell you I want to be close to you even if you don’t want to date and I can want to sleep with you if I want to. Even though I don’t think I’m ready right now...” He trails off awkwardly and stares at the table. 

But Sangbin nods, “whatever you want.” 

“Really?” 

There’s a condition, of course, that means not labeling whatever they have, but it also comes with Sangbin’s promise to be okay with not having sex. 

Whatever Jaechan wants still means bringing Sangbin back to his room and pulling Sangbin on top of him so Jaechan can kiss him. And they do kiss until Jaechan moves his leg too close to Sangbin’s crotch and Sangbin pulls away awkwardly before excusing himself to hose off in the bathroom. Jaechan sits on his bed, heart racing. He hopes it’s not too much, being like this, and that Sangbin won’t lose his patience with the game Jaechan is playing by himself. 

There’s a knock at his door so Jaechan opens it, expecting Sangbin, but instead it’s Hyunwoo with his usual disarming grin. “Oh, hyung.” 

“Hey, Jaechannie,” Hyunwoo grins brightly. “How are you?” 

“I’m fine, hyung,” Jaechan answers, angling his body so that Hyunwoo can’t look in the room and see Jaechan’s rumpled bed. “How are you?” 

“Oh, good, just observing things.” Hyunwoo’s grin only gets wider. “I noticed you’ve been hanging out with someone lately. I got curious if you were seeing anyone.” 

Jaechan’s eyes widen and Hyunwoo just laughs. “It’s that kinda scary looking guy right? With the earrings and the motorcycle…” 

“Scary looking guy?” Sangbin’s voice cuts through and Hyunwoo shrieks. Jaechan jumps because he didn’t know Hyunwoo’s voice could get so shrill. 

Sangbin side steps Hyunwoo, who has sunk down to the floor clutching his chest and whimpering about almost peeing himself, and pulls Jaechan into his room, Jaechan squeaking out a tiny apology to Hyunwoo before the door closes. Sangbin presses their bodies together, and his skin is damp and cold and it only makes Jaechan’s still warm body start to heat up again, especially when Sangbin picks him up and drops him back onto the bed and falls on top of him, kissing him hard. 

 

Jaechan passes the next few days like that, with Sangbin treating him to coffee or snacks and spending the night in Jaechan’s bed. Sangbin clings really tightly in his sleep and cradles Jaechan so closely that it makes Jaechan wonder if Sangbin is subconsciously trying to tell him something about his feelings. Jaechan thinks that’s stretching too much, so he just enjoys the comfort of being held. 

Jaechan doesn’t realize how much Sangbin helps him fall asleep until they’re lingering in the doorway of Jaechan’s room and Jaechan is trying to play sweet and coy and tempt Sangbin into staying. 

Jaechan bites Sangbin’s lower lip and Sangbin groans softly as he leans forward for a kiss, but Jaechan pulls away and pouts. “Do you have to go back tonight? Why can’t you just stay?” 

“My roommates are threatening to put me out if they don’t see my face. They’re complaining there’s no reason for me to live there if I don’t even sleep at home,” Sangbin sighs as he finally succeeds in pecking Jaechan’s lips. “They said they’ll go into my room and pack my stuff if I don’t sleep at home once in a while.” 

Jaechan continues to pout and coyly turn away from Sangbin’s further attempts to kiss him. 

“Don’t be like that,” Sangbin says gently. “I’ll sleep here tomorrow night.” 

“I know,” Jaechan says. 

Sangbin catches Jaechan’s lips in a firmer kiss. “I’m going now. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“Bye, hyung,” Jaechan concedes. 

Jaechan doesn’t think much of sleeping alone because he drifts off without much of a problem. But once he’s asleep, Jaechan starts having a nightmare, but it’s not like nightmares he’s had before. Nothing’s chasing him, no one’s dying, Jaechan is just by himself with the sensation of hands clawing all over his body before he’s suddenly struck with a pain that feels like the hand that groped him and a word echoes over and over in his head. 

Cocktease. 

Jaechan jolts awake, drenched in cold sweat, and he hugs his knees to his chest, trying to calm himself down. It was just a bad dream. It didn’t mean anything. Jaechan curls up under his sheet and buries his face in his pillow. There’s no sense in over analyzing such a dream. It doesn’t have to mean anything. It’s probably just an anxiety dream about all of the things that happened before that made Jaechan wary of strangers and wary of sex. Jaechan doesn’t have to read into it, doesn’t have to fear that he’s really just leading Sangbin on and that Sangbin’s going to resent him for it. 

Jaechan has a lot of trouble falling back asleep and wakes up the next morning will a throbbing pain in the back of his head. He thinks he should probably stay home, but he doesn’t, so he ends up at karaoke with his friends but his headache immediately gets worse because Donghan, Geonhee, and Kenta scream instead of sing to Bang Bang Bang and Jaechan just whines softly as he prods his forehead, willing the pain away. 

“You can lean on me,” Taedong tells him, so without thinking much about Jaechan leans on him and wraps his arms around his waist. Taedong pats his hip soothingly as he rests his chin on the top of Jaechan’s head. It helps the headache a bit because Jaechan closes his eyes and concentrates on the beat Taedong is keeping. When the song ends, Jaechan’s head starts hurting again because the three of them are picking another song.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” Jaechan whispers to Taedong as he stands and slips out of the room. The hallway feels exceptionally quiet in comparison to the room and Jaechan tries to breathe deeply as he steps into the bathroom and walks over to the sink. The cold water feels good on his face so he keeps splashing water when he hears the door open. It’s Sangbin. “Hey.” 

“Hyung,” Jaechan looks up from the sink and reaches to turn off the water. 

Sangbin tells him he’s just on his way out to smoke and Jaechan crinkles his nose and tells him not to go. Sangbin just laughs and tells him he’ll get too cranky if he doesn’t before asking about Jaechan’s headache again while pressing his lips against Jaechan’s forehead. 

“I had trouble sleeping last night. My head was already hurting before coming here.” 

“Did you have trouble sleeping because I wasn’t in your bed?” Sangbin smiles at him with all of his teeth. He knows he’s pressing all of Jaechan’s buttons. 

“Maybe,” Jaechan squeaks under his breath, feeling much like a mouse that’s been caught by a cat. 

“Did you miss me last night?” 

“What if I did?” Jaechan wants to be haughty and defiant, but he’s squeaking instead so Sangbin rests his hand on the small of his back and leans to kiss him. 

“Then I want to kiss you properly,” he purrs but Jaechan ducks away. He can see his burning face reflected in the bathroom mirror. Jaechan tries to shy away but Sangbin is holding him too firmly and honestly Jaechan likes this much contact after being alone all night. Even when he protests that they’re going to get caught, Jaechan is holding onto Sangbin too. 

They jump apart when the door opens and Insoo stands in the doorway glaring. “I knew you weren’t in here to use the bathroom.” 

Insoo has been in a particularly foul mood, and even when he coos at Jaechan, it feels off. “I came to check on my child but you were in here too,” Insoo snaps at Sangbin. Jaechan assumes that’s not actually true, and that Insoo probably stormed out of the room after reaching some limit watching Donghan putting his hands on Kenta. That’s honestly something Jaechan doesn’t want to get involved in but Insoo’s habit of taking his relationship woes out on everyone else is a worrying reality. 

They return to the room only to find it noisier than before, Eunki having joined in on the yelling, and Jaechan plops down beside Taedong, who wraps an arm around him. Jaechan’s headache is still there, so he nestles against Taedong and tries his best to zone out. 

“Donghan, Insoo, Kenta hyung, and I are going to get a drink. Do you want to join us?” Taedong asks when their time has finally ended in the karaoke room and Jaechan has never been so happy to leave somewhere.

“No thank you, hyung, my head hurts. I’m going to go home and lie down.” 

“Have an orgasm,” Insoo suggests dryly. “That’s supposed to help with headaches.” Taedong glares at Insoo, whose reaction is even worse than Jaechan imagined it would be. “What the fuck are you looking at me like that for?” Insoo snarls. 

“Don’t give him advice like that,” Taedong scowls. 

“Take that advice yourself and get fucked, you stuck up prick,” Insoo bites out as he turns on his heel and storms away. 

“Hyung, isn’t it a bad idea to go out when Insoo hyung is in such a bad mood?” Jaechan asks nervously. 

“We’ll probably have a fight,” Taedong supposes. “I think it’s overdue. Don’t worry,” Taedong pets his hair gently. “You know he’s all bark and no bite.” 

“Okay, hyung,” Jaechan frowns. “If you do have a fight, don’t hurt Insoo hyung too much.”

Taedong just laughs and ruffles his hair some more. Jaechan joins Sangbin as they walk back to Jaechan’s student housing. He frets to Sangbin about Insoo who just shrugs. “Insoo won’t do anything. He doesn’t have any real balls.” 

Jaechan leaves Sangbin in his room to go shower and he massages the warm water into his scalp, trying to ease away the pain. When he comes back, Sangbin just scoops him into his arms and they curl up together. Sangbin noses along the nape of Jaechan’s neck and presses small kisses against his still wet skin. 

Jaechan falls asleep and doesn’t dream. 

Some time in the middle of the night, Jaechan hears Sangbin’s phone beeping but Sangbin just groans and rolls on top of him and Jaechan welcomes his comforting weight and wraps his arms around Sangbin’s waist. 

 

“Look how hungover he is,” Hyunwoo snickers. “But he still came out to eat, what a champion.” 

Donghan whimpers as he holds his glass of water against his forehead. “Leave me alone, we don’t even know each other well.” 

Hyunwoo clicks his tongue. “But I can already tell your type. Jaechannie has such cute friends.”

Taedong snorts and Jaechan can feel the tips of his ears getting hot. Donghan just shovels food into his mouth. 

“But honestly,” Hyunwoo says, “it’s nice to see Jaechannie is so social. He’s so shy when he’s poking around the kitchen. I thought he only had Taedongie and his boyfriend…” 

“Boyfriend?” Donghan asks with his mouth full. 

Taedong rolls his eyes. “Don’t talk. You’ll choke like that.” 

Jaechan could faint. 

Donghan swallows and asks again. “Boyfriend? Jaechannie, when did you start dating?” 

Hyunwoo answers. “It’s a recent development.” He smiles conspiratorially. “But it seems like a young and healthy relationship from what I can hear. Virile.” His eyebrows move too much.

Jaechan might actually faint.

“Who are you dating?” Donghan’s eyes are searching Jaechan’s (bright red) face. 

“He’s this scary looking… AHH!!” 

Jaechan pinches Hyunwoo’s thigh as hard as he can. “Please stop,” he squeaks. “It’s embarrassing, please don’t say anything.” 

Hyunwoo whimpers. “You heard him. My lips are sealed.” 

Donghan pouts. “Are you always wrapped around his finger like that?” 

“Absolutely,” Hyunwoo nods. “As the oldest on the floor, it’s my job to bend to the youngest’s whims.” He pauses. “His boyfriend is nice. He surprised me and almost killed me, but I forgave him in spirit.”

Taedong’s face is carefully blank and Jaechan drinks his water for an excuse to turn his face away. Donghan is pouting and demanding details but Jaechan stuffs food into his mouth whenever Donghan is about to speak and Hyunwoo is stalwart and doesn’t answer anything else. 

It’s bad, because it gets Jaechan thinking about things he shouldn’t be. Jaechan thinks it’s really his fault, because he doesn’t look the type to just hook up so of course Sangbin looks like a boyfriend. (Or sounds like one, Jaechan could absolutely die knowing Hyunwoo has heard things.) But they aren’t dating. Jaechan doesn’t really know what they have, he does know that his game is going well because Sangbin always stays no matter how sexually frustrated he seems. But Jaechan wants more in a different way than Sangbin. Jaechan thinks he relies on Sangbin much like he would rely on a boyfriend, so he just wants to call it that. 

It doesn’t help when Donghan is absolutely fawning over him at the pool, covering him with kisses and Jaechan is struck by how much Donghan disregards other people’s relationships. If he knows Jaechan is dating, why is he still kissing his face like that’s normal? Then again, Donghan is always this doting, and Jaechan wonders if Donghan worries like Taedong worries about any relationships Jaechan might pursue. 

Hwanwoong shoves him off of Sangbin’s shoulders when they’re playing a game and water goes up his nose so Jaechan excuses himself. Sangbin follows along and has questions about Donghan’s fawning. 

“Donghan hyung is always like that,” Jaechan says with a little nod. “I think there’s something he still feels guilty about, so he tries to treat me really nicely.” 

“Oh? What’s that?” 

Jaechan could kick himself. How stupid. “It’s nothing,” he says quickly. “Maybe he used to think he was taking Taedong hyung away from me, but we get along now. We’re just really close.” It feels cheap and wrong to give an excuse like that, but he doesn’t want Sangbin to know about his previous encounters with guys. They still make him heat up with shame and he just doesn’t want Sangbin to know. 

Sangbin just shrugs and brings up Donghan fawning over Kenta. Jaechan is surprised by Sangbin’s doubts about how much Kenta loves Insoo, and Jaechan can’t help but push and tease a little bit himself, asking how Sangbin can’t tell when it’s obvious. Sangbin huffs. 

Jaechan laughs. “I think I get fixated because I wonder what people think when they look at me. I wonder if people see us together and think we’re in love too.” Sangbin freezes and Jaechan smiles sheepishly. “Sorry, I know I shouldn’t say things like that.” 

Sangbin ruffles his hair and Jaechan smiles. 

 

“I thought I should tell you,” Insoo says, poking listlessly at a slice of apple. “But I think Sangbin hyung must really like you.” 

Jaechan nearly chokes. “What makes you…” 

“I know you still haven’t put out.” Jaechan winces. Insoo’s phrasing is always so tactless. “But Sangbin is still interested in you. I’m surprised, honestly. He really hates chasing guys around for sex. If they don’t want it, he’s not interested. But you…” Insoo shrugs. “It’s still you. So, for what it’s worth, I think Sangbin actually likes you.” 

“Thank you for telling me, hyung.” Jaechan flushes. “Hyung, for you too, Kenta hyung is so in love with you.” 

Insoo spears his apple slice. “I know,” he says. “I know.” His tone is worrying. 

 

It’s not really Jaechan’s responsibility, but he brings it up anyway.

“Hyung, can I ask you about Kenta hyung?”

Donghan nods. “Sure. What about him?” 

“You and hyung look really close now.” Jaechan swallows nervously. “But you know Kenta hyung and Insoo hyung are dating, right?” 

“Of course,” Donghan nods. “I know.” 

Jaechan blinks, feeling perplexed. “But then why… hyung why do you cling onto Kenta hyung like that?” 

Hurt flashes in Donghan’s eyes. “Why are you asking me this too? It’s bad enough Kenta hyung said something like this, and then Eunki too. Even Geonhee asked me about it. Why are you joining in? I’m not doing anything wrong. Can’t Kenta hyung have other friends?” 

“Of course, but not all friends just… you know…” 

“What are you saying?” 

“Hyung, I think you make Insoo hyung very uneasy.” 

“Insoo is a really possessive friend,” Donghan says. “That’s what Kenta hyung said. But I’m not doing anything wrong. Jaechannie, do you think I’m trying to seduce Kenta hyung?” 

“No,” Jaechan can’t look at Donghan’s face. “I just think that maybe hyung should do less skinship with Kenta hyung.” 

Donghan sniffs. 

“I’m sorry, hyung, please don’t be upset.” Jaechan hands Donghan a tissue. “You’re not doing a wrong thing, but I think you need to put Insoo hyung more at ease.” 

“Shouldn’t Insoo just be confident in Kenta hyung?” Donghan sighs. “When I’ve met Kenta hyung alone, he always talks about Insoo. Just like with Taedong hyung, when we’re together he always talks about you. When you love someone you don’t see anyone else.” 

“Hyung,” Jaechan squeaks. “That’s not the same. Taedong hyung doesn’t love me that way.” 

Donghan sighs more. “Do you really think that way? When your boardinghouse friend told us you were dating it was all he could talk about for the next few days. He kept talking about how he was hurt you had started meeting someone without telling him.” 

“It’s not like that,” Jaechan flushes. This conversation isn’t supposed to be about him. 

Donghan just shrugs. “I’m hurt too. I thought you would have told us.” 

“It’s not like that. Hyunwoo hyung misunderstood too. It’s… difficult to explain.” 

Donghan frowns. “Are you not meeting someone nice?” 

“No.” Jaechan could scream. They need to get off this topic. “It’s nothing like that. Of course he’s nice. He’s very good to me.” 

“Then why…” Donghan trails off. “Nevermind.” 

Jaechan thinks this pervasive feeling of awkwardness is what pushes him too far with Sangbin, wrapping his legs around Sangbin’s waist and pulling him closer and kissing him roughly. Sangbin pulls away and his face is red too. “It’s too much, isn’t it? I’ll be right back.” 

Jaechan wants to keep him there, but Sangbin is already up so Jaechan lays back and rubs his face. He’s not thinking clearly. He shouldn’t be playing dangerously like this. Sangbin still freezes up when Jaechan talks about liking him. For all he knows, Sangbin is still focused on sex, despite what Insoo told him. But Jaechan is just needy right now, so when Sangbin comes back, Jaechan pulls him back on top of him, whimpering at the coolness of Sangbin’s skin and whispering in his ear. 

“More, more, more.”

It makes something snap inside of Sangbin and Jaechan cries out when Sangbin bites him and starts leaving hickeys on him. He’s always asked Sangbin to not mark him, too worried someone will see - not that he parades around nude for anyone to see - but it’s just too embarrassing to think of, someone accidentally getting a glimpse of him and seeing and knowing something is happening in his bed. Hyunwoo already thinks too much; Jaechan never wanted physical evidence to support his flights of fancy. 

When Sangbin begins to strip him, that’s when Jaechan jolts back to his senses, and he squeezes his legs together and his hands land on Sangbin’s. “Please wait, please don’t…” 

Sangbin lets out a frustrated growl but he lets go and sits up slowly, and Jaechan scoots away quickly, bringing his knees to his chest protectively. He only has apologies for Sangbin who just shrugs them away. 

“You must really think I’m leading you on.” Jaechan’s mouth is too dry. It feels too strange to voice his fears so frankly, that Sangbin’s aggravation with him is just mounting slowly and will one day bubble over and explode. Sangbin said he didn’t mind chasing him, but Insoo said Sangbin hated it. It just leaves Jaechan afraid and unsure of where he stands. 

Sangbin leaves again and Jaechan carefully changes into clean pajamas. He stands around stupidly, unsure of where to place himself in his own room, and Sangbin comes back cool and wet and tells Jaechan to sleep. Jaechan lays beside Sangbin, who has his back turned to him, so once Jaechan is sure Sangbin is asleep, he takes his pillow and a spare sheet and makes himself an uncomfortable bed on the floor. 

Jaechan expects Sangbin to be frostily indifferent to him come morning, but instead Sangbin is aggravated. “If you’re uncomfortable,” he all but barks. “Then tell me to leave. Don’t sleep on the floor and make yourself more uncomfortable.” 

“I’m sorry,” Jaechan mumbles.

Sangbin just sighs at him heavily and sees himself out. He doesn’t text Jaechan either. 

 

Jaechan feels as if he’s floating along for the next few days. Sangbin doesn’t contact him and the bruises he left on Jaechan’s body don’t fade. It leaves Jaechan feeling dirty and so he scalds himself in the shower scrubbing down his body in water hotter than he can stand. Jaechan isn’t sure what anything means, but he’s pretty certain that Sangbin has finally lost his interest. It hurts because Jaechan likes him so much, but he can’t really beg Sangbin without being able to offer anything. 

Eunki invites them all out because he’s leaving for China to visit Jung Jung so Jaechan goes and tries to avoid Sangbin’s gaze. They sit across from each other at the table, but between Donghan and Taedong, Jaechan thinks he’s distracted enough. He reaches to pass Insoo soy sauce and sits down. Taedong is gripping his chopsticks tightly but Jaechan doesn’t think of it until Taedong whispers in his ear, “can we go talk?” 

He follows Taedong out into an alley behind the restaurant when Taedong reaches for his shirt. 

“What are you doing?” Jaechan latches onto Taedong’s arm, fear pouring over him like icy water. “Don’t, don’t!” 

“I’m not going to hurt you,” Taedong says gently, stilling his hands. “I just want to see something.” 

“Oh, hyung, don’t…” 

But Taedong lifts the hem of Jaechan’s shirt to reveal the dark bruises that are still there and Jaechan’s face burns with embarrassment and shame. 

“When did that happen? Who did that?” Taedong asks. 

Jaechan shakes his head. “Taedong hyung…” 

“Jaechannie, just tell me…” 

“It’s nothing…” 

Taedong’s face twists. His expression is pained. “If he’s hurting you when you’re… doing things… I’m going to…” 

“Oh, hyung! That’s not… These aren’t… I walked into a table!” Jaechan winces at his own lie. It’s such an obvious, laughable fib. He stares at the floor. 

“Jaechan,” Taedong steadies his voice. It’s so soft, so gentle. “You know you can tell me, right? You can tell me if you’re being hurt.” 

“But I’m not,” Jaechan says, daring to look up at him. “You know I would tell you anything that was bothering me.”

Taedong hugs him, cradling Jaechan’s head on his shoulder. Jaechan can only take a breath before the door that leads to the alley opens and Jaechan tries to break away, not wanting any of the restaurant employees to think he and Taedong came back here to kiss, but it’s not an employee. 

It’s Sangbin. 

“Am I interrupting something?” Sangbin’s voice sounds robotic, it’s so flat. 

“No,” Taedong answers coldly, taking Jaechan by the hand and pulling him along back inside. But Jaechan stops and pulls his hand away. Taedong looks betrayed. “Jaechannie.” 

“I’m sorry,” Jaechan doesn’t know why he feels so apologetic to Taedong, but he does as he goes back outside and fits himself into Sangbin’s arms. 

Jaechan throws himself away and admits. “I love you. I love you and you can have me if you want me.” 

Sangbin tries to pawn him back off onto Taedong but Jaechan is firm so Sangbin pulls him into an embrace and kisses his face gently. Jaechan feels slightly miserable. He doesn’t even know if what Sangbin feels for him is love, and he should know better than to love someone else more than they love him, but with Sangbin he can’t help it. 

 

For the next two days, it feels normal. 

Sangbin courts him a little more gently, taking him out to lunch and sleeping at home, but Sangbin is treating him much more tenderly. Jaechan is hopeful. It’s unlike Sangbin to be so chaste and proper, and while Jaechan thinks it’s because Sangbin is harboring some kind of guilt over pushing Jaechan to do too much, he would prefer to think it’s Sangbin’s attempt to behave more like a boyfriend. 

It doesn’t take long to build up Jaechan’s hopes, but they come crashing down just as quickly. 

“I need to tell you something.” 

Jaechan tells him to not stupidly hope for a confession but a tiny part of him does. Sangbin looks nervous and Jaechan wets his lips wondering if Sangbin is going to tell him what he’s been longing to hear. 

Of course, it’s nothing like “I love you.” 

“I slept with someone,” is what Sangbin says and Jaechan thinks he must elaborate a little but he can’t quite make out the words over the roaring in his ears. “Because I thought it was you,” is the next thing Jaechan catches and that’s when things start to spin in his vision. “I did it because I thought I was with you. I was drunk.” 

“We shouldn’t do this.” 

It’s Sangbin’s turn to look a little shell shocked. 

“I can’t give you what you want,” Jaechan hopes he sounds mean and bitter, but he knows he just sounds like he’s on the verge of tears because he is. “I can’t give you what you want so we shouldn’t do this.” 

“Whatever you want.” 

Jaechan starts crying. It’s humiliating. Sangbin isn’t supposed to let him go so easily. Shouldn’t he get on his knees and beg for forgiveness? Another chance? Shouldn’t he fight for Jaechan? Isn’t that what he’s supposed to do? Sangbin doesn’t even have a tissue to offer him so he awkwardly waits for Jaechan to compose himself enough to walk away. 

It’s too confusing and painful. Jaechan feels stupid too, to offer so much of himself to someone who he liked despite everyone’s warnings. And now Jaechan feels even more like an idiot because he’s in love with someone who clearly never felt the same way. 

He goes to Taedong’s dorm and collapses into his arms at the door, letting himself sob. Taedong holds him carefully, rubbing his back and asking what happened but Jaechan can’t even speak so Taedong just embraces him tightly and tells him things will be just fine. 

But Jaechan has his doubts.


	6. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sangbin comes to conclusions 
> 
> The last chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello I promised to finish this up by the end of the year and I kept myself honest because I've been writing this obsessively. That being said, this ended up being really, really long (11k words have fun) but I hope it's all good. 
> 
> There is very brief sexual content at the beginning of the chapter.
> 
> I wanted to thank you so so much for reading and putting up with my inconsistent updates and I hope you enjoy this final chapter! Thank you so much!!

This is Insoo’s fault. 

If Insoo hadn’t shown up at his door looking like someone’s (certainly not Sangbin’s) leather clad wild kinky wet dream demanding Sangbin go out clubbing with him (and scaring the ever loving shit out of Dongha who answered the door), Sangbin would not have gone out that night. Meaning, Insoo would not have gotten wasted and peer pressured Sangbin into drinking more than either of them could tolerate - it’s bad enough that Sangbin’s well and truly a lightweight, but Insoo barged in on him before he ate anything substantial and all Sangbin can think about is the rough morning that’s promised to him tomorrow. 

This also means that Insoo would not have started dancing on Sangbin and bumping their foreheads against one another. 

“If you try to kiss me,” Sangbin has to yell over the music. “I’m going to punch you.” 

“I won’t,” Insoo promises, but still smacks a wet one of the side of Sangbin’s jaw. Sangbin almost punches Insoo in the mouth for that but decides to just drag him outside for fresh air. 

It’s a thick, sticky summer night so going outside yields no relief. Sangbin runs a hand through his sweaty hair before reaching into his pocket for his cigarettes. 

“I want one too,” Insoo demands, teetering on his feet. 

“You don’t smoke.” 

“Give me one,” Insoo whines, “I’m nauseous.” 

Sangbin sighs as he hands Insoo a cigarette and Insoo puts it between his lips unsteadily. “If you set either one of us on fire,” Sangbin warns as he takes out his lighter, “I’m going to kill you.” 

Insoo manages to stay still long enough for Sangbin to give him a light but Insoo just ends up coughing on it - since Insoo doesn’t smoke - and Sangbin sighs at him. “Idiot.” 

Insoo coughs through his cigarette before crushing it under his foot and teetering back into the club, Sangbin following behind to keep Insoo from getting into trouble. Insoo ends up downing several more drinks and harassing Sangbin into drinking more until Insoo is gripping his arm too tightly. “The club is spinning,” Insoo announces, “and I’m about to throw up.” 

Sangbin manages to hustle Insoo back outside just in time for Insoo to stumble bent over by the rubbish bins and start throwing up. Sangbin puts a hand on Insoo’s waist to keep him from tipping forward. Insoo spits a couple times before whimpering, “Give me a cigarette, I want to get the taste out of my mouth.” 

Sangbin sighs. “You’re racking up a fortune,” he says, handing Insoo another one and lighting it. Insoo starts coughing spectacularly again. “You’re wasting my money.” 

Insoo glares up at him pathetically as he coughs. “I’ll buy you another pack, shut the hell up.” 

Sangbin and Insoo leave the club only to end up going to another club, which Insoo drags him into because he claims that he loves the song they’re blasting inside, and Sangbin rolls his eyes but Insoo’s already halfway through the door so he has to follow. Sangbin’s mainly just trying to keep Insoo from dying of alcohol poisoning, but Insoo is leaning halfway over the bar ordering two of something. The drink Insoo pushes into his hands tastes like poison and it completely knocks Sangbin out. The club is a blurry mess and Sangbin is losing track of Insoo when he bumps into someone. 

“Sorry, oh hey, I didn’t know you’d be here,” Sangbin can’t really see straight, but he can tell this person is familiar. He knows the scent and the sound of a voice in his ear asking to go home and he agrees, and manages to grab hold of Insoo and they all leave together. 

They end up back at Sangbin’s apartment and - Dongha’s going to murder them in the morning - but Sangbin pushes Insoo towards the bathroom before getting pulled into a bedroom and pushed down on a bed. The bed dips with the weight of Sangbin balancing someone on his hips as they tear at each other’s clothes inexpertly between open mouthed kisses. Sangbin fumbles to try to find his wallet and he’s pretty sure he ends up emptying it onto the floor looking for his condoms and the individual foil packets of lube he keeps behind his credit cards. Fuck it, he’ll pick up in the morning. He tears open a packet of lube and spills it all over his hand. Sangbin curses, annoyed that all of his body parts are malfunctioning because of how much he drank. 

“Sorry,” Sangbin mumbles as he pushes two fingers into the guy, and he groans sharply. It sounds pained. “Shit, shit, sorry.” 

If it hurt, the guy is still rocking his hips down hard onto Sangbin’s hand, “more, more,” he grinds out. “More, please,” and moans brokenly when Sangbin eases in a third. 

Sangbin wishes his vision wasn’t swimming because he’s sure he’d be treated to a beautiful sight, how beautiful he must be, all red and flushed and working himself open on Sangbin’s fingers. 

“I need you,” Sangbin’s mouth is too dry, he’s too desperate for this, he’s just glad his dick isn’t malfunctioning along with the rest of him. 

“Yes, yes.”

Sangbin pulls out his fingers and fumbles for a condom, hands trembling as he rolls it on. “Pretty boy, are you sure?” 

“Yes, just do it please.” 

Sangbin pushes into him slowly, moaning at the way he feels, and how long he’s waited for this. The movement of his hips is sloppy and erratic but the nails digging into his shoulder blades just egg him on, and Sangbin tries to readjust himself so he can control his renegade limbs better. Sangbin’s lips find his and they kiss, open mouthed and imprecise, and Sangbin thinks he’s licking the side of the guy’s face more than they’re kissing. Sangbin hand slides between them and wraps around his length and Sangbin feels his back arch off the bed with a satisfied groan and Sangbin tries to find some semblance of a rhythm, but maybe it’s the alcohol that has them both coming fast and Sangbin groans as his hips stutter and the nails in his shoulders dig in even deeper. 

Sangbin collapses on top of him, exhaustion hitting him very suddenly, and their lips meet. Sangbin is still pissed drunk so he just lets loose what’s been sitting on him lately and thinks that if it’s the wrong thing to say, he probably won’t remember when he wakes up. 

“I love you, I love you, Jaechannie, you’re mine, I love you.” 

 

Sangbin wakes up and his only conscious thought is that he’d really rather be dead because his head feels like it might split open. Last night is a horrific blur and he isn’t sure where he is or where Insoo wandered off too - hopefully he’s not dead - and Sangbin just tries to bury his face into the bed to groan but he can’t because oh, that’s someone’s chest. 

Sangbin sits up too quickly and the room spins and waves of nausea hit him as Sangbin becomes painfully aware of a few things. 

That he is naked. 

That there is a dirty condom on the sheet beside him. 

That the naked guy he was lying on top of is not Yoon Jaechan, but Kim Chan. 

And that means the guy Sangbin went home with and had terrible drunk sex with was his roommate. 

Sangbin all but rolls out of the bed and tries to pick up all his stuff from the floor and escape across the hall to his room. Shit. That’s why the guy Sangbin hazily saw in the club was so familiar, because Sangbin knew him. Sangbin didn’t know Chan was into guys, but that’s honestly not Sangbin’s primary concern as he balls up his clothes and holds it in front of his crotch protectively. He doesn’t trust his body to function properly and if he attempted to get dressed, he’d probably just fall over and die. 

Sangbin has no reprieve however, when he steps out of Chan’s room and walks into a fully clothed Dongha whose eyes go immediately south and then back up to Sangbin’s face. 

“I know you must be. Busy. But I need you to get Insoo off the floor.” 

“You what?” 

Dongha huffs like Sangbin should understand him. “You need to get Insoo off our bathroom floor. I need to go to the bathroom but I can’t when he’s lying there.” 

Sangbin sighs and opens the door to his room and tosses his stuff unceremoniously inside before padding over to the bathroom to find Insoo snoring face down on the floor next to the toilet. Dongha is hovering over his shoulder and when Sangbin leans down to pick up Insoo, and then squat to retrieve Insoo’s phone that falls out of his jacket pocket, he knows he’s giving Dongha a free show of his bare ass but Sangbin is beyond the point of caring because now as he turns Insoo around Dongha’s getting a free look at his dick too. Insoo is blissfully unconscious so Sangbin can easily manhandle him onto his bed and leave him there so he can grouchily ask Dongha why he needed help. 

“You could’ve just grabbed him by the leg and dragged him out,” Sangbin suggests, as he holds a pillow over his crotch to cover up again. “He’s not delicate.” 

Dongha is pointedly no longer looking south and shudders. “Insoo made me feel very uncomfortable when I found him last night.” 

“Oh?” 

“I didn’t know he was in the bathroom but I found him throwing up so I asked if he was okay,” Dongha sniffs indignantly, “and then he asked me if he could lick my tattoos and take pictures of himself doing it.” 

Sangbin rolls his eyes. “He’s a terrible drunk. Sorry about him.” 

Dongha nods. “We need to talk about the house rules when I get back,” he says carefully.

“Yeah, we do,” Sangbin admits. 

Dongha scurries back into the bathroom and Sangbin closes his bedroom door, looking at Insoo still asleep on his bed. Considering Insoo got blackout drunk and passed out after throwing up in the bathroom, he honestly doesn’t look too worse for wear. Sangbin opens up his drawers to look for clean clothes that he carefully pulls on. Picking up Insoo had been the most trying part of his day thus far but he wasn’t looking forward to Insoo waking up or talking to either Chan or Dongha later. He can hear Dongha leave so Sangbin decides to slip out of his room to go to the bathroom when he runs into Chan. This shit really never ends

Chan blinks at him and Sangbin looks away. “For some reason I kind of assumed you took off,” Chan says amiably. “But standing here I remember we live together so it’d be hard to avoid one another after a while.”

“I’m sorry,” Sangbin says. 

“Why?” Chan shrugs. “Shit happens when you’re drunk. I’m sore, but I’m fine.” 

“I didn’t know you liked guys.” 

“I don’t? I guess I don’t really know. You made a pretty compelling argument though.” 

Sangbin wishes he could be this nonplussed about the situation. “I’m still sorry.” 

Chan laughs. “I think I should be the sorry one since I wasn’t the one you were looking for.” 

Sangbin’s skull feels like it wants to break apart again. “What?” 

“I was thinking you just made a mistake, but I realized we talked about my name too much for you to forget. I told you, I have a monosyllabic name. Nothing comes before or after Chan. But you were calling me some other name, so I figured you thought I was someone else. What did you call me? Haechan? Jaechan? Jaechan! That was it.” 

Another wave of nausea hits Sangbin really hard. “Ah. Shit.” He looks at Chan feeling strange and awkward. “I’m really sorry.” 

“Why are you still apologizing to me?” Chan laughs again. “It’s not a big deal to me. I’m not so sensitive I’ll cry because you were thinking about someone else. It’s worse that Dongha’s gonna chew us out about fucking in the house, but at least it was just us and not some parade of strangers.” 

“You’re right,” Sangbin echoes hollowly. He pads to the bathroom and dry heaves over the sink for a while until the urge to throw up subsides. Shit. He’s really gotten himself into the shit. 

Sangbin returns to his room to hear a phone vibrating on the floor so he carefully stoops and answers it without looking. 

“Insoo!” Kenta’s harried voice cuts him off before Sangbin can answer. “Insoo! Oh, I’m so glad you answered. I don’t want to fight anymore. Come home and let’s talk, okay? Insoo?” 

Sangbin hangs up without really thinking about consequences of what he’s doing. A nasty part of him doesn’t care, because this is all on Insoo. Insoo was the one who dragged him out of the house and insisted they drink until neither of them could see, if anything bad happens because of last night, it falls squarely on Insoo. 

Insoo’s phone starts ringing again and Sangbin watches it. When it goes to voicemail, Sangbin’s eyebrows quirk. Kenta has left a truly obscene number of voicemails for Insoo. He must’ve been calling Insoo all night. Sangbin silences the ringer and sets Insoo’s phone on his desk as the screen lights up with another incoming call. Insoo is still dead asleep and Sangbin watches him with a strange sense of aggravation and a strong desire to go over and punch him in the head. Insoo’s phone screen lights up again and Sangbin irritably flips it over so he doesn’t have to be subjected to Kenta’s desperation. He can only assume they’re fighting about something or other and Insoo dragging him out clubbing was his way to have a grown up temper tantrum. 

Insoo begins to stir awake and Sangbin’s struck with an even stronger urge to punch Insoo’s lights out, but he doesn’t as he slides into a sitting position on his desk and Insoo groans awake. 

Insoo rolls over and glares at Sangbin wearily. “You couldn’t even take my clothes off of me?” he rasps as he eases himself into an upright position and shimmies out of his jacket. “I feel like shit.” 

“You were sleeping on the bathroom floor, I just found you,” Sangbin says. “You apparently asked to lick Dongha’s tattoos.” 

“Did I? I don’t remember.” Insoo mumbles. 

“You don’t really go out clubbing like this anymore,” Sangbin mentions. “Something happen?” 

“Kenta and I had a fight so I wanted to go out,” Insoo answers vaguely, pulling Sangbin’s blanket back up around his shoulders. 

“You don’t usually leave when you fight though.” 

“He told me to get out, so I left.” 

Sangbin raises an eyebrow. “He kicked you out?” That might explain Kenta’s frantic calling. He was probably shocked that Insoo not only took him seriously but then stayed out all night without answering any of his calls.

Insoo sighs. “He went and saw Donghan again and I was just really at my limit with it so when he came home I asked him if they were sleeping together behind my back and he said if I really thought that I should get out.” He shrugs. “So I left.” 

“You seem pretty cavalier about that,” Sangbin notes. 

“I’m not,” Insoo huffs. “But I really hit my limit with him and Donghan and I just can’t deal with it anymore. I’ve been telling Kenta for weeks that I don’t want Donghan to be all over him, and Kenta says he’s talked to him but Donghan keeps doing it.” Insoo scowls. “I hate feeling like I can’t trust Kenta, because I do trust him. I don’t trust Donghan.” 

Sangbin flips over Insoo’s phone and the number of missed calls has drastically increased. “I answered your phone because I thought it was mine,” Sangbin says. “Kenta’s been calling you.” 

Insoo practically launches out of the bed, Sangbin holds the phone aloft as Insoo barrels into him. 

“Give that to me.” Insoo’s voice is violently shaking and the crazed look in his eyes would be concerning if Sangbin weren’t so disinterested. “Give me my phone. Kim Sangbin. Give me my phone.” 

“Why should I do that?” Sangbin challenges. “Aren’t I doing you a favor by keeping you from contacting a guy who put you out?” 

“He didn’t mean it, I took it too far as usual.” 

“Maybe it’s better if you separate from a guy like that…” 

Insoo suddenly swings at him and Sangbin barely dodges it. 

“Don’t you dare,” Insoo hisses. “Don’t you dare put your personal feelings into this. This has nothing to do with you. He and I have nothing to do with you. You don’t get to make decisions for me. I’m not letting you ruin a relationship I’ve had for four years!” 

“Four years of you bitching and screaming at each other,” Sangbin retorts. “Half of it you weren’t even official, you were just delusional. I’m doing you a favor because you’re too afraid of being alone to meet a guy who doesn’t make you feel like shit!” 

“Because you know a lot about not making a guy feel like shit! I’m sure you’ve been doing a great job taking care of Jaechan!”

“Why should I do you any favors about your relationship when you fucked mine?” Sangbin demands, the urge to hit Insoo roaring back. “Because you took me out and got me drunk I hooked up with my roommate!” 

“You’re not blaming that on me!” Insoo swings at him again. “Anyway, you can’t even compare that! For you to fuck up something you’ve barely had going on for four weeks! To four years! And you don’t even like Jaechan!” 

The fight drains out of Sangbin very suddenly. “What? That’s not true…” 

“It’s not?” Insoo shoves him. “You like Jaechan? You’re in love with him, huh? Are you?” 

“What does that…”

“You don’t like him, he’s just a conquest, like me, like Eunki, like everyone else you fuck! It’s good you fucked up so you can’t hurt him!” 

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

“I don’t? That’s why I’m the only one who knows about you two right? Because you’re proud of him and you love him and you’re official!” 

“Insoo…” 

“I warned you to not play around with his feelings and you fucked up on your own. If you just stick your dick into whoever when you’re drunk that’s your fault, not mine.” Insoo holds out his hand. “Give me my phone.” Sangbin hesitates. “If you don’t give it to me, I’ll never forgive you.”

Sangbin feels deflated and defeated so he hands it over just as the screen lights up with another incoming calling and Insoo answers it. “Hyung? Hyung.” Insoo’s face suddenly crumples and he sinks to his knees as he chokes out, “hyung,” and starts to cry. 

Sangbin feels sick so he leaves Insoo to his call and goes to the bathroom. He lifts up the seat of the toilet and empties his guts into it, cringing at the sour smell as he flushes. He uncaps Dongha’s mouthwash and squirts some into his mouth, swishes it around trying to expel the taste, and spits it out into the sink, the blue of it hurting Sangbin’s eyes against the too bright white of the sink. Sangbin hates it when his hangovers only get worse the longer he spends awake. At this point, he just hates being awake. He turns on the faucet to wash the mouthwash away and splashes some water on his face. His reflection is haggard when he catches sight of himself on the way out. 

Insoo is still on the floor when he walks back into his room. “Kenta is coming to pick me up,” Insoo says in a small voice. 

Sangbin just shrugs. He feels deeply bitter all of a sudden. “Do you really think that I see Jaechan as just a conquest?” 

“I thought you really liked him but then you did this so I don’t know what to think anymore.” Insoo answers. 

“You’re wrong,” Sangbin says. “I do like him.” 

“You’ve got a funny way of showing it.” 

“And you’re a fucking psychopath.” 

Insoo snatches one of Sangbin’s books off the floor and chucks it at him. Sangbin manages to catch his book before Ku Sang’s collection of poems concusses him or splits his head open. He sets it down on his desk and scowls at Insoo. “Well it’s clearly true,” Sangbin hisses. 

“You’re going to tell him, aren’t you?” Insoo asks coldly. “That you had sex with someone else.” 

“Why’s that your business?” 

Insoo glares. “If you don’t tell him, I’m going to do it.” 

“Why is that your business to tell him?” Sangbin demands. “If you don’t want me injecting my feelings into that trainwreck you call a relationship, why do you get to inject your feelings into mine?

“Because I want to protect him from guys like you. If you can fuck up like this once, you’ll do it again.” Insoo glares at him. “Jaechannie’s a good kid. I don’t want you to hurt him.”

“Why don’t you worry about yourself?” Sangbin grunts. 

The doorbell to the apartment rings and Sangbin sighs as he goes to get the door, Insoo tailing after him quickly, and when he opens the door, Insoo shoves Sangbin aside to rush to Kenta and immediately jump into his arms. Kenta starts covering Insoo’s face with desperate kisses. 

“Ahh! Hyung, don’t, I didn’t brush my teeth, I was drinking and smoking and puking…” 

“I don’t care,” Kenta’s voice is hoarse. “I love you, I love you, I love you.” 

Sangbin clears his throat awkwardly and Insoo pulls away. “Let me grab my jacket.” 

Insoo scurries behind Sangbin. Kenta is about to follow but Sangbin steps into his path. “If you’re not going to treat him well you should leave him.” Sangbin says darkly. “You have no idea how much he suffers by himself because you selfishly ignore how he feels. He’s insecure and you don’t do enough to make him feel confident in your relationship.” 

Kenta glares up at him witheringly. The dark circles under his eyes look like bruises. Sangbin thinks Kenta must have been up all night. “If I didn’t love him I wouldn’t have made myself sick worrying about him,” Kenta tells him. “I don’t think you would understand.” 

Sangbin bristles and then exhales. “One more thing,” he says on the sigh. “When you called and someone picked up and hung up without saying anything.” Kenta raises his eyebrows. “That was me. I thought I was answering my own phone. Insoo almost killed me for keeping his phone from him. He didn’t know you were calling.”

Kenta nods slowly as Insoo returns with his jacket. “Let’s go home, hyung,” he says quietly. Kenta smiles at him tenderly and they lace their fingers together and leave. Sangbin sighs heavily as the door closes.

Sangbin takes a shower and tries to wash the night off him and then goes outside to walk around aimlessly until he sees Dongha returning to the apartment. Sangbin trails in a few minutes later and walks in on Chan and Dongha already squabbling on the couch. 

“But I didn’t want to hear you two grunting like a couple of animals in heat!” 

“But Dongha, Sangbin’s hung like an animal. If every guy had a cock like that I’d lose all interest in girls.” 

Dongha gags. 

“Are you jealous?” Chan is laughing. “Do you want to join us next time? All three of us…” 

Dongha grabs a pillow and smacks Chan in the face. “Lecher,” he whimpers. 

Sangbin rolls his eyes as he sits on the couch beside Dongha but then the thought crosses his mind of Dongha’s cute whiny face squashed between him and Chan, and the dirty thoughts must show on his face because he gets a faceful of pillow too. “Not you too!” Dongha snaps. Sangbin just smiles sheepishly as Dongha begins to huff in earnest about respecting the house rules or at least if Chan and Sangbin continue anything, only doing it when Dongha isn’t home.

“I don’t think you’ll have to worry about it,” Chan says. “Sangbin has his eyes elsewhere.”

Sangbin smiles weakly. Ah. Jaechan.

When Sangbin goes back to his room and flops down on his bed and sighs. The past couple of days with Jaechan had been good. After the little breakdown they had, they had gotten back on good terms. Sangbin was being more careful, trying to take Jaechan out on more official dates and keeping things a little more chaste and proper. He thought it had been going well even though it was forcing him to reckon with his own feelings, but he had reached a conclusion. 

He loves Jaechan. 

It had been strange to come to that conclusion after telling himself for years that he didn’t want anyone that badly, that he didn’t want to be confined to one person. 

“It’s because you had a traumatic first love,” Insoo had told him once. 

“I did?”

“Probably,” Insoo had nodded. “Your parents are still married, your sister’s never met a bad guy, your fear of commitment must come from you. What, you promised someone to be together forever and were left?” 

“You’ve lost it,” Sangbin had rolled his eyes. “Nothing like that ever happened.” 

“I don’t believe you,” Insoo had sniffed. 

“You don’t know me as well as you think you do.” 

Insoo had blinked at him, his face suddenly falling. “That hurt my feelings. I thought I knew you really well.” 

Sangbin had shrugged, getting up from his seat. “Don’t let it bother you too much.” 

“Hey! Wait! Hey, Kim Sangbin!” 

Sangbin was always pushing down his feelings, but when he scans his memory, he can never find that inciting incident that made him do it. He just always remembers it. When he got older, the idea of having something long term never seemed attractive to him, even less so when he saw the way Insoo started driving himself crazy over Kenta and Sangbin wondered why Insoo thought that was worth it. Sangbin thinks that maybe in the time they were apart, Insoo did grow up a lot, being the first of their friend group to get a job and purchase his own property, even if it was an ancient beat up car with an unreliable engine. Sangbin thought it had been a good thing for Insoo, but when they finally reunited they started bickering in earnest and Sangbin was confused by it and it pushed him farther away from wanting a real relationship. Sangbin put off going to university to get a job and figure out what he wanted out of life and during that time he met people intermittently, and no one he met had the time or energy for something permanent and Sangbin had found it to be the most sensible, so that attitude followed him when he finally enrolled in classes and started meeting people in university.

Jaechan made him feel different because he was cute and young and earnest and Sangbin had been interested. But Jaechan was always stressed out and crying and so Sangbin felt weird thinking about propositioning someone who was so clearly vulnerable, so he just joked about how pretty he thought Jaechan was to Eunki who threatened him but never looked to be taking him seriously (Insoo would’ve ripped his head off had Sangbin said anything to him) but Sangbin never made any moves. Even starting to walk Jaechan home had been an innocent gesture, because Jaechan always looked to be talking Taedong off a cliff whenever he called to say he was going home by himself. They hadn’t even chatted much while walking and Sangbin had considered letting his fantasies of Jaechan go but then the summer happened and Jaechan kissed him first.

Sangbin rolls over. It feels too wrong to keep secrets from Jaechan, when Jaechan is so good to love him and be idiotically self-sacrificing and Sangbin suddenly feels tremendously guilty. He was the one who made Jaechan stoop to his level and then pushed all of his boundaries and now betrayed his trust. 

Sangbin’s phone beeps and he goes to check it and his stomach drops. 

Yoon.JC. [i didn’t hear from hyung today…] 

Yoon.JC. [are you okay? are you sick?]

Kim.SB. [yes, i think i ate something bad last night] 

Kim.SB. [i’ll probably be fine by tomorrow morning] 

Yoon.JC. [that’s a relief, be sure to take better care of yourself, hyung] 

Kim.SB. [i want to see you, can you meet me tomorrow?] 

Yoon.JC. [of course, hyung, i want to see you too]

Yoon.JC. [i’ll text you in the morning, you should sleep soon and feel better] 

Sangbin sighs as he rolls over. As if his stomach didn’t already hurt enough from his residual hangover, now he’s feeling nervous about tomorrow too. 

 

Lee.IS. [i don’t think you actually care but] 

Lee.IS. [when kenta and i got home, he had to sleep so i watched him sleep and then when he woke up again we talked] 

Lee.IS. [we talked for hours] 

Lee.IS. [and you probably think that it doesn’t matter because we’ll just fight again but we talked about trusting each other and i think we understand each other more now] 

Kim.SB. [ok]

Lee.IS. [about jaechan…] 

Lee.IS. [i don’t know what you’re going to do, but i was serious about telling him if you don’t] 

Lee.IS. [i’ll give you a week] 

Lee.IS. [you owe him your honesty, that dumb kid loves you so much] 

Lee.IS. [it makes me sad because i’m worried you don’t feel anything for him] 

Kim.SB. [i’m going to talk to him tomorrow]

Kim.SB. [just worry about yourself]

Sangbin’s phone rings and he answers with a sigh. “It’s 2am, you dick, go back to sleep.” 

“You know I worry about you, you know?” Insoo’s voice sounds weird and strangled. “That for some reason I care about you, right?” 

“Just go to bed, Insoo, I know.” 

“I don’t understand you. Whenever I think I figured you out, you change on me and get weird again.” 

“Just worry about yourself please,” Sangbin sighs. “You obviously have enough of your own shit to worry about.” He hangs up before Insoo can answer him and throws his phone onto his desk and rolls over for an uneasy sleep. 

 

The weather is overcast and grossly humid and Sangbin sighs heavily thinking of the incoming thunderstorm. He hates studying literature because it just makes him think it’s too ridiculous for the weather to be in such a bad state when that’s how his emotions feel too. Pathetic fallacy. Why is he living in one? Jaechan is running late too, which only makes Sangbin more uneasy. 

“Hyung!” 

Jaechan is running and holding an umbrella and is panting by the time he stops in front of Sangbin. “Sorry I’m late,” he smiles apologetically. “I couldn’t find my umbrella, I had to borrow Hyunwoo’s.” 

“It’s okay,” Sangbin tries to smile back but it’s difficult. 

“Are you feeling better?” 

“Huh? Oh, yeah, I am.” Sangbin swallows his saliva. “Jaechan. I need to tell you something.” 

Jaechan blinks suddenly and licks his lips. His eyes are hopeful and nervous and Sangbin’s stomach sinks as he looks away. Shit. 

“I slept with someone. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize what I was doing and it just happened and…” Sangbin trails off when he sees that Jaechan is staring straight ahead. He looks slightly catatonic and Sangbin wonders if Jaechan heard anything he said. “Because I thought it was you.” Jaechan’s head snaps to attention and his wide, horrified eyes meet Sangbin’s. “I did it because I thought I was with you. I was drunk. And I...” 

“We shouldn’t do this,” Jaechan cuts him off. His hands are shaking as he clutches his umbrella. “I can’t give you what you want,” he continues, his voice strained. “I can’t give you what you want, so we shouldn’t do this.” 

Sangbin just nods. He doesn’t have the right to do or ask for anything more. He thinks he’s taken too much from Jaechan already, so he can’t beg for forgiveness he doesn’t deserve. “Whatever you want.” 

Jaechan starts crying and Sangbin internally panics. He’s never been good at dealing with crying people and a quick pat down of his pockets tells him he doesn’t have any tissues to offer Jaechan, so he just stands there awkwardly, feeling like he shouldn’t walk away when Jaechan is sobbing so miserably in front of him. Sangbin wants to embrace him, but he thinks Jaechan is less likely to shove him off than he is to hold onto Sangbin and Sangbin will start groveling and Jaechan will forgive him. Jaechan takes a few shuddering breaths and wipes at his face before turning away from Sangbin and walking away. 

Sangbin doesn’t understand. He’s supposed to feel gutted. This is supposed to be earth shattering. If Insoo taught him anything, it’s that right now he’s supposed to be wrecked, but he’s not. Sangbin isn’t even sure if he’s too numb to feel it because everything is so disturbingly normal. It doesn’t even storm like it was forecasted to.

He walks home. He finally opens one of his books of poetry that he never opened at the beginning of the summer and reads most of it. He even writes notes in the margins in pencil so he can reread them later. He eats dinner with his roommates and laughs at the look on Dongha’s face when Chan suggests - and Sangbin can’t actually tell if Chan’s joking or not - that Dongha should sit on both of their dicks. He laughs more when Chan adds that Dongha’s a size queen and would probably love it. He washes the dishes because Dongha claims that Chan’s stupid comments have given him a migraine and that he needs to lay down. He goes to sleep and for some reason he doesn’t feel burdened. Even when he wakes up, he feels oddly unbothered by everything.

Eunki is back from China so Sangbin goes out to meet him and their other friends and even as he walks towards them and notices Jaechan isn’t there, he still feels strangely indifferent. Especially when Eunki hugs him and then answers a pouting Hwanwoong that Jaechan texted to tell him that he wasn’t feeling well and that Donghan had insisting on nursing him back to health so they weren’t coming. Everything still feels normal, even when Sangbin sees Taedong walking towards him. It feels normal right up until Taedong punches him in the face. 

Taedong punches him and throws Sangbin on the ground. Sangbin feels his body hit the sidewalk and then Taedong falls on top of him and punches him again. Sangbin’s body tenses for another hit but everyone has descended to pull Taedong off of him. Sangbin opens his eyes and sees Insoo in his face and then sits up to see Eunki and Hwanwoong holding Taedong back. 

“I warned you,” Taedong seethes. “I warned you not to put your hands on him.”

Eunki and Hwanwoong get Taedong to walk away while Insoo frets over Sangbin’s face. “Are you okay?” 

Half of Sangbin’s face is throbbing, so he’s absolutely not okay, but what feels worse is reality crashing on him. Jaechan. Yesterday he broke Jaechan’s heart and went home and acted like nothing happened. Jaechan probably went home and cried for the rest of the day. No wonder Taedong was out for blood. 

Sangbin rests his forehead against Insoo’s shoulder unsure of what he needs to do - laugh? cry? scream? - as Eunki comes running back. 

“I go to China,” he sounds vaguely hysterical, “for three days and this is what I come back to.” 

Sangbin goes home and puts a bag of Dongha’s frozen vegetables on his face to stop it from swelling up too badly and lets Dongha freak out and ask him if he needs to call the police to report an assault. Sangbin waves Dongha’s frantic concerns away. 

“Who did that?” Chan asks when he comes home as he squats to look at Sangbin’s face that’s finally bruising up, mottled yellowing black and blue. 

“Jaechan’s boyfriend,” Sangbin mutters and Chan hisses. 

“Yikes,” he says sympathetically, patting Sangbin on the shoulder. 

Sangbin lays down, gingerly avoiding putting any pressure on the bruised half of his face. It hurts and yet Sangbin doesn’t mind the pain, because finally his actions have sunken in and he can feel everything and he wants the pain and the misery because he deserves it.

 

Sangbin is smoking on the roof of his apartment when Taedong comes to see him. 

“Here for round two?” Sangbin asks. 

“I’m here to apologize but only because Jaechan told me. I want to make this very clear. This is only a symbolic gesture. I’m not sorry for hitting you and if I had to do it again I’d make sure no one was around to stop me before I got my satisfaction.” Taedong answers. 

“So you aren’t apologizing, you’re just here because Jaechannie told you to come?” 

“Yes.” 

Sangbin rolls his eyes. “You’re sure stupid.” 

Sangbin considers that he maybe shouldn’t be prodding Taedong like that when Taedong could really easily shove him off the roof, but he still does it because he likes the rise he’s already getting out of him. Taedong’s jaw is clenched tightly and Sangbin’s sure that Taedong’s hands are balled into fists inside of his pants pockets. Taedong stalks over to where Sangbin is sitting and Sangbin braces for the foot between his shoulder blades that topples him off the roof, but Taedong just sits beside him. Sangbin offers him his cigarette but Taedong shakes his head. 

“You know I quit,” he says.

Sangbin shrugs and returns the cigarette to his lips. “So what do you want?” he asks, exhaling a cloud of smoke. 

“I want answers,” Taedong replies. “He wouldn’t tell me anything.” 

“So why should I tell you anything?” Sangbin questions. 

“Because Jaechan has cried himself to sleep in my bed for the past two days, so I think I deserve to know why.” 

It’s a shocking statement, but Sangbin isn’t shocked by Jaechan crying, he’s shocked by Taedong saying that Jaechan has been in his bed. 

“I’m sure you’re doing a great job of comforting Jaechannie with your dick…” 

Taedong seizes Sangbin by the collar of his shirt, jerking him forward. Ash lands on Sangbin’s shirt and he hastily sweeps it off. “Finish that sentence and see what I do to you,” Taedong snarls as he shoves Sangbin away again. 

Sangbin fixes his shirt nervously. “Can’t I ask what you mean about Jaechan being in your bed?” 

“He’s been sleeping at my dorm,” Taedong answers. “That’s all.” 

Sangbin puffs on his cigarette to keep from asking something that’ll get him killed. Instead, he says, “You’re protective of him.” 

“Of course I am.” 

“Because you love him.”

Taedong plucks Sangbin’s cigarette out of his fingers and brings it to his lips. “I love Jaechan like he’s my family.” 

“I don’t know who you’re trying to fool, but I don’t buy it. You’re in love with him.”

“Does it matter if I love him?” Taedong asks bitterly, cigarette smoke curling around his face. “He loves you. He’s never seen me. I have always loved him but he has always been looking at you.”

Sangbin looks away. “So when you told me to stay away from him, you were trying to mark your territory?” 

“He told me he liked you and I tried to discourage him. I knew you’d do this. You’re not the first bastard he’s gotten involved with.” 

“He… I… What?” 

Taedong is scowling at him. “You don’t know what I’m talking about?” 

Sangbin shakes his head. “What other guys…” 

“Jaechan got stalked in his last year of high school,” Taedong says. “And the summer between that and his first year of uni he got groped on a blind date.”

Sangbin is staring at Taedong blankly so Taedong just sighs heavily and grinds out Sangbin’s cigarette. “Jaechan has the misfortune of attracting guys like you so I was afraid this would happen. I knew you’d hurt him. He couldn’t say what happened between you so I assumed the worst…” 

It’s Sangbin’s turn to lash out suddenly and grab Taedong by the collar. “If you’re about to insinuate what I think you are, I’ll throw you off this roof. I’ll tell you why Jaechan’s been crying in your bed. I cheated on him.” Sangbin releases Taedong’s collar. “I cheated. He and I never went all the way. I never even saw him naked. He’s still a virgin.” Sangbin fixes Taedong with a steely glare. “And I would never ever force myself on him or anyone else. Think it again and I’ll kill you.” He digs into his pockets for another cigarette and lights it angrily. 

“You have to understand me,” Taedong says slowly. “I don’t trust the people around him.”

“Sure,” Sangbin concedes. “I agree with you, honestly. I told him I wasn’t any good for him.” He sighs. “I even told him you were a better guy but he wouldn’t listen to me.”

“It hurts me to see him so upset,” Taedong sighs heavily. “I don’t know what I can do to help him.” 

“Except try to beat the shit out of me.” 

“That doesn’t make him happy either. I wasn’t even going to tell him I hit you but Eunki told him.”

“So you did that for yourself.” 

“Yes.” Taedong frowns. “I don’t think I’m the best for Jaechan either, but I want to protect him.”

“I can tell why he doesn’t like you.”

“What?” 

“You’re smothering him.” Sangbin blows smoke in Taedong’s direction. “You treat him so much like a baby that Jaechan can’t see you as a man.”

“Are you giving me advice now?” 

“I’m just telling you what I see.”

They lapse into silence. Sangbin is surprised that Taedong hasn’t left yet. He’s half expecting Taedong to warn him to stay away from Jaechan forever, but instead Taedong rises and leaves the roof without another word. Sangbin crushes the remainder of cigarette out under his heel and sighs heavily. 

 

Sangbin doesn’t see Jaechan for another week when they run into each other in a book cafe and the color drains out of Jaechan’s face when he sees Sangbin. Sangbin considers avoiding him, but Jaechan walks over to him nervously. 

“Is your face okay?” he asks, his hands twitching slightly like he wants to reach and stroke the bruises on Sangbin’s face. Jaechan catches himself and puts his hands behind his back and rocks back on his heels. 

“It’s getting better,” Sangbin answers.

“I’m sorry.” 

“You didn’t punch me,” Sangbin says. “You don’t have to be sorry.” 

“But Taedong…” 

“Did this to make himself feel better. He didn’t do it for you.” Sangbin rubs the back of his neck. “Don’t worry about it. I’m fine.” 

Jaechan bites his lip. “Do you want to sit with me?” he asks. “Donghan was supposed to come with me, but something came up.” 

Sangbin hesitates, but ends up nodding and following Jaechan to a little booth. “What brings you here anyway?” Sangbin asks. 

“I just wanted to go somewhere different. Do you come here a lot?” Jaechan replies.

“I’ve been here a few times.” 

Jaechan looks away and Sangbin can see the color in his cheeks is back. “I think I miss you and I shouldn’t.” 

“I feel the same way.”

Jaechan glances at him and bites his lip before looking away again. Sangbin studies the look on Jaechan’s face and realizes how much he’s wanted to see him. “I know I shouldn’t miss you,” Sangbin says. “Because I hurt you too much. Even if it hurt you, I’m glad I messed up because it made you see I was all wrong for you.”

Jaechan frowns. “That’s not how I feel.”

“Then what…” 

Jaechan stands abruptly. “Come walk with me.” 

Sangbin follows Jaechan out of the cafe and they fall into stride. It’s so familiar and yet not, because Jaechan isn’t looking at him and then he stops short. 

“When I said I love you, I meant it,” Jaechan says, sounding slightly breathless. “So I miss you because I can’t stop feeling the way I do.” 

Sangbin wets his lips. “Jaechannie, I love you too.” 

Jaechan doesn’t react the way Sangbin expects him too. Part of Sangbin hopes that Jaechan will throw himself into Sangbin’s arms and they can kiss and make up and be happy, but instead Jaechan’s eyes widen and he steps away. “You can’t just say that,” Jaechan says shakily. “You can’t just say that to me because it’s what I want to hear from you.” 

“Jaechan, I mean it. I do love you and I…” 

“You don’t!” Jaechan looks like he’s about to cry. “You can’t… and you’re just saying it now because you know I still want you…” 

“That’s not true…” 

Jaechan steps away from Sangbin’s outstretched hand. He turns away but Sangbin can see there are tears. It feels like a punch in the stomach. Jaechan turns his back to Sangbin to wipe his eyes and Sangbin feels pained watching Jaechan walking away from him again.

 

Sangbin would be content to avoid everyone else for the rest of the summer but Insoo has other plans for him and calls him. 

“Kenta and I want to take a trip to Busan.” 

“What does that have to do with me?” 

“You’re from there,” Insoo says. “So I was thinking more of us could go together and maybe rent a little place for a couple of days. You know. Do some beachy shit. Last hurrah of the summer.” 

“Ask somebody else from Busan,” Sangbin grunts. “I don’t want to go on your romantic getaway.”

“You’re coming.” 

“I’m not.” 

“I’ll see your ass at the train station tomorrow.” 

“Insoo!” 

Insoo hangs up on him. 

 

Sangbin hates Insoo. Hates him especially because he and Kenta have linked arms and are snoring with their heads nestled together across from Sangbin who is sitting next to Jaechan because Eunki had smiled sheepishly at them and said he needed to make phone calls the whole train ride because he was in the process of renting an apartment. When Sangbin had asked where the rest of their friends were, Insoo gave him a wishy washy answer about the others going for a dance camp retreat. So it was just going to be the five of them. 

Jaechan stares out the window at the scenery that whips by them as Sangbin considers whether or not his book has enough heft to knock him unconscious if he hits himself with it. He doubts it, so he pages through it without thinking much. He has a bad feeling that Insoo is trying to meddle somehow but Sangbin pushes the thought aside. It’s actually more unreasonable to assume Insoo would do something like plan a whole trip to try to get Sangbin and Jaechan together when Insoo hadn’t been in favor of them being together anyway. 

And yet, Insoo looks particularly smug when they get to the little vacation house and says that there’s only one bed and obviously he and Kenta are going to use it so the three of them have to use bedrolls on the floor. Sangbin doesn’t mind so much except Eunki mentions he moves a lot in his sleep and offers to sleep on an end which means that Sangbin’s bedroll is going to be next to Jaechan’s. Sangbin tries to act as unaffected as possible and instead racks his brain for restaurants he liked when he was living in Busan. He ends up thinking too much about where things are and serving as an unofficial, reluctant tour guide. It’s hardly fair; they’re not even in his neighborhood. 

They run around so much that they go back to the house and almost immediately go to bed. Sangbin is exhausted enough to fall soundly asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. But he wakes up to see how much he’s moved in his sleep and he finds himself face to face with a still sleeping Jaechan. Sangbin’s heart is in his throat. Oh, Jaechan is beautiful and Sangbin loves him. Sangbin drags himself out of bed (to see Eunki splayed out on the opposite side of the bedroll) and hobbles into the kitchen, where Kenta is making coffee. 

“Hi,” Kenta says as he pulls mugs out of a cabinet. “How did you sleep?” 

“Like a rock,” Sangbin answers. “Yourself?” 

“Really well.” Kenta answers. “It wasn’t uncomfortable on the floor?” 

“No, the mat’s pretty thick. Is Insoo still sleeping?” 

Kenta nods. “He never likes to wake up early. I’m used to it because I have to go to work. What do you take in your coffee?” 

“Just dump a lot of sugar in it and it’s fine.” 

Kenta’s lips quirk. “I didn’t think you would like sweet drinks.” 

Sangbin shrugs. “You and I don’t know each other that well.” 

Kenta hums as he carefully scoops out lumps of sugar into one of the mugs. “Insoo tells me you’re stubborn. I think I can see that. You’re rude to me too,” Kenta smirks. “I’m older than you but you still talk to me rudely.” 

“Insoo only tells me about you when you’re upsetting him or making him mad,” Sangbin answers. “So I don’t really know why I should be polite to you.” 

Kenta pours coffee into the mugs and slides one to Sangbin. “I suppose that’s fair,” he muses. “He and I have always had a lot of problems communicating. But it’s important to talk and be honest. Even if you’ve made mistakes,” Kenta eyes him as he raises his mug to his lips. “You just need to talk things out more. We’re learning that, slowly.” Sangbin nods as he stirs his coffee. Kenta smiles at him. It’s a kinder smile. “I think you should learn that too. To be more honest about how you feel.” 

Sangbin is about to question him when Insoo comes waddling over to Kenta and rubs his face on his shoulder. “Hyung,” he whines, “come back to bed. I’m lonely.” 

“Why don’t you stay up?” Kenta suggests. “I thought you wanted to go to the beach.” 

“But it’s early,” Insoo mumbles. He looks at Sangbin blearily. “Don’t talk to that hyung anymore. Come back to bed.” 

Kenta just bites at Insoo’s nose and hands over his coffee while Insoo whines, but drinks it. Sangbin downs the rest of his coffee and goes to take a shower. He thinks Kenta is more annoying than he even thought. Sangbin sighs as he turns off the water. Shouldn’t Kenta be worrying about himself and Insoo and not Sangbin? Sangbin doubts Kenta even has an accurate picture of the situation because Insoo’s probably blown everything out of proportion. Sangbin leaves the bathroom still shirtless only to bump into Jaechan who immediately blushes and squeaks before slipping into the bathroom. 

Eunki is looking at him oddly so Sangbin huffs at him. “What? Do I have to have abs like yours to take my shirt off?” 

“Hmm? No.” 

Sangbin scowls a bit as he tugs his shirt back on. Insoo has woken up more and is still pestering Kenta around the kitchen. When he turns to look at Sangbin, Insoo announces, “Sangbin is going to tell us which beach to go to.” 

“Clearly,” Sangbin rolls his eyes, “the one that we’re right next to.” 

Insoo harrumps and goes back to burying his face in Kenta’s neck. 

Eunki is sitting on his bed roll with his cup of coffee. “Is your face okay?” Eunki eyes him. “The bruising and swelling has gone down, hasn’t it?” 

“Yeah, it’s fine. Sometimes it’s sore, but otherwise, it’s fine.” Sangbin pauses. “Thanks for not letting Taedong kill me.” 

“I wouldn’t let anyone get into a fight like that. But I wanted to ask you about it… What happened between you two? I’ve never seen Taedong like that.” 

“It’s complicated.” 

Eunki opens his mouth as Jaechan comes out of the bathroom but Sangbin shakes his head. Eunki sighs but nods as he turns back to his coffee.

Sangbin gets harassed into guiding them all to the beach and Insoo, Kenta, and Eunki immediately tear off towards the water leaving Sangbin with a perplexed Jaechan. 

“I hate them,” Sangbin grumbles under his breath. He glances over at Jaechan who is still beside him. “Do you need… uh… help with sunscreen?” Sangbin thinks of Donghan’s ridiculous pool antics assuming Jaechan will rebuff him, but instead Jaechan just nods slightly. He keeps glancing over at Sangbin as he pulls off his shirt and presents Sangbin with his back. 

This was a bad idea. Jaechan’s skin is really soft and smooth and Sangbin kind of wants to lick down his spine and the way Jaechan is trembling under Sangbin’s palms is making him way too hot under the collar. Sangbin’s life is just full of mistakes. 

Sangbin makes up for it by accidentally swallowing way too much sea water when Insoo splashes him in the face and it helps the tension ease out of him when he’s coughing and Jaechan is slapping his back and asking if he’s okay. 

Sangbin is so at ease that he doesn’t even care when Insoo is whining that he doesn’t want to get off his ass and go to the mart with Eunki and offers Sangbin to go in his place. 

“I’m comfortable,” Insoo protests from the couch where he’s laying on Kenta with Jaechan sprawled on his lap. “Take Sangbin with you instead. He knows where the mart is, I don’t.” 

Sangbin goes with Eunki to the mart and lets Eunki complain that Insoo was the one who wanted to grill meat but Insoo wasn’t going to be the one getting it (or paying for it). At least Eunki is an organized shopper so they won’t be in the mart all night. 

“About Taedong,” Eunki begins as Sangbin is examining cans of beer. “What did you fight about?” 

“Jaechan,” Sangbin replies. Eunki raises his eyebrows. “You know how I told you I thought Jaechan was a really pretty boy? Taedong didn’t like me thinking like that.” 

Eunki tugs harshly on Sangbin’s ear, mercifully not on his piercing, but it still hurts. “I told you not to flirt with my baby.” 

“Sorry,” Sangbin says, pressing one of the cans against his ear. “Taedong expressed the same sentiment, just a lot more violently.” 

Eunki frowns. “Are things okay between you now?” 

“I don’t care what Taedong thinks about me. Jaechan,” Sangbin shrugs. “I think we’re okay. We’re here together, aren’t we?” Eunki sighs so Sangbin decides to change the topic. “When’s your boyfriend moving back to Korea?”

“In the fall,” Eunki answers. “I have to sort the apartment out before he gets here.” He chuckles. “He keeps telling me to just put him in touch with the realtor and that he’ll take care of it all and pay, but I don’t want him to worry about that. I can take care of it. I’m starting my job soon too.”

Sangbin nods. “That’ll be good. Jung Jung’s a nice guy.” 

“Yeah,” Eunki has a dreamy look in his eyes. “He is.” 

The dreamy look of course disappears when they get back to the house and Insoo whines about not wanting to be the one to grill the meat but Eunki harasses him into it because Insoo was the one who wanted to eat it and then didn’t shop for it so Insoo just sulks and stands over the grill. Sangbin passes Jaechan one of the cans of beers and cracks his own open. He considers not drinking - because clearly the last time ended badly - but he only bought one can per person, so no matter how much of a lightweight he is, even he doesn’t get drunk from only one can. 

And yet, Jaechan nurses his drink for the rest of the night and looks a little unsteady on his feet when Eunki is washing up for bed. 

“Are you alright?” Sangbin asks. 

Jaechan looks a bit sheepish. “My stomach and my head both hurt.” 

“You don’t drink well, do you?” 

“I’m not used to it.” 

When they lay down to sleep, Sangbin stares at Jaechan’s back and wonders if Jaechan would want to be held if he was really feeling that unwell, but he decides to not ask in case Eunki is awake and ready to make good on his threats to rip out Sangbin’s hair and balls for being too flirtatious with Jaechan.

 

Sangbin wakes up to Insoo hovering over him while Kenta is bizarrely leering at him from a corner and Sangbin jolts awake when he feels Insoo trying to sit on him. 

“Get off me!” 

Sangbin has seen this movie. This movie ends with the guy in Sangbin’s position getting double stuffed with dicks and Sangbin did not sign up for that. 

“Stop trying to sit on my lap!” 

“Why?” Insoo asks as he keeps trying to sit on him. “Do you still have morning wood?”

“No!” Sangbin is having a hard time trying to get Insoo off of him. It’s not that Sangbin is weak, but he just woke up and is uncoordinated and Insoo is heavy. “You’re making me uncomfortable!” 

“As uncomfortable as we all were when we saw you with your hands up Jaechannie’s shirt?” Insoo challenges, successfully plopping down onto Sangbin’s lap. “Eunki took Jaechan and is talking to him about the birds and the bees.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Sangbin protests. “Get off of me.” 

“Eunki woke up and saw you were spooning our baby and you had your hands under his shirt. You were feeling up our baby. Laying beside poor Eunki. How shameless.” 

“I didn’t do any of that on purpose!” 

“You were the one who was being all stoic about breaking up but you’re the one groping him in your sleep.” 

“I would love to talk to you about that but you need to get off of me,” Sangbin cranes his neck to see Kenta is still watching them. “What is he getting his rocks off watching you do this?” 

Insoo bounces on Sangbin’s stomach. “Don’t call the love of my life a pervert.” 

“Well tell him to stop looking so pleased watching you sit on me!” 

“Why were you feeling up my baby?”

“I told you, I didn’t know I was. I cling in my sleep, you know that.” 

Insoo nods as he finally hops off of Sangbin’s lap. “So your body just found Jaechannie and clung to him?” 

“Apparently?” 

“I always hoped you were telling me subconsciously that you loved me when you had me in that vice grip,” Insoo says. “He probably hopes the same thing.” 

“Should you say that in front of your boyfriend?” Sangbin looks at Kenta again, who is still unbothered. 

“He’s not a jealous type,” Insoo says. “Anyway, I’m grateful you were cuddling Jaechan. I thought Eunki screamed because he heard hyung and I having sex.” 

“I hate you,” Sangbin groans. “I really do. I knew you were going to fuck on this trip.” 

“When else am I going to get fucked in Busan?” Insoo snorts. “Anyway, apologize to Eunki for traumatizing him.” 

“You did all that to tell me to apologize to Eunki? 

“Yup. Kenta hyung and I are going to take a walk, so you can talk to Eunki.”

Eunki comes back and lectures Sangbin about keeping his hands to himself especially when Eunki is laying right next to them and no offense but no wonder Taedong wanted to kick Sangbin’s ass if that’s what Sangbin’s idea of appropriate is and then Eunki leaves in a bigger huff and Sangbin isn’t actually sure he was able to apologize during Eunki’s rant. 

Jaechan seems somewhat nonplussed by Sangbin’s cuddling even though Sangbin asks him about it. “Taedong mentioned something to me,” Sangbin says and Jaechan gulps. “So I just wanted to make sure I didn’t touch you anywhere that would make you comfortable.” 

“No, just my stomach,” Jaechan’s cheeks are turning pink. “But you were talking in your sleep.”

Sangbin feels very uneasy. “Did I say something inappropriate?” 

“No, you were telling me not to drink if it made me sick,” Jaechan looks away. “And you were telling me that you loved me.” 

“Sorry.” 

Jaechan just bites his lip. “I want to see the sunset. Will you take me?” 

Sangbin blinks, because that has nothing to do with anything, and then nods. “Sure, I’ll take you tonight.”

Jaechan is quiet when they’re walking but it gives Sangbin time to mull over his thoughts. Curse his sleep talking. He was really going to try to cut things off cleanly so Jaechan wouldn’t linger on him and meet someone better. But here he was spilling his guts in his sleep, so Sangbin isn’t sure what Jaechan wants from him. He didn’t react well when Sangbin told him the first time, so Sangbin isn’t sure what Jaechan thinks of it now.

They’re on a secluded part of the beach when Jaechan looks at him. His eyes are nervously flitting about as they have been whenever Jaechan looks at Sangbin. 

“Do you really love me?” 

“I do,” Sangbin answers. “I told you I do.” 

“You mean it?” 

“Yes, Jaechannie.” 

“I want to give you another chance.”

Sangbin blinks. 

“But,” Jaechan is staring at him carefully. “I want it to be official. I want you to tell everyone we’re dating. And if you were to sleep with someone drunk again, it would be over.”

“Are you sure you want me?” Sangbin asks. “I’m telling you, there are nicer…” 

Jaechan cuts him off by grabbing his face and kissing him and Sangbin lifts Jaechan and pulls him onto his lap. Jaechan kisses him insistently and Sangbin can feel the part of him that resolutely did not want to let Jaechan forgive him melt away. 

Jaechan pulls away and his lips are so red that Sangbin just wants to keep kissing him. “Yes, I want you. I couldn’t stop thinking about you even when I told myself that you were lying to me about loving me and just interested in sleeping with me even though everyone told me you weren’t the one even though it hurt so much when you told me you were with someone else I still wanted you.” Jaechan gulps down some air and steadies his gaze on Sangbin. “Because I love you too.” 

Sangbin pulls Jaechan down for another kiss. “You’re mine, you’re mine, I love you, I love you.” 

Sangbin is glad he had the sensibility to find a part of the beach without much foot traffic because he knows Jaechan wouldn’t like hoards of tourists and locals passing them by and ogling at them making out. Sangbin pulls away and realizes. “Ah, shit, you wanted to see the sunset.” 

Jaechan starts laughing. “Yes, hyung, I did.” 

Sangbin smiles at him sheepishly and lets Jaechan rest his head on his shoulder. The sunset is nice but Sangbin is paying more attention to the sweet, contented look on Jaechan’s face.

 

“My baby,” Eunki is fussing over Jaechan. “Where have you been?”

“He’s my baby,” Sangbin says abruptly. 

Eunki, Insoo, and Kenta stare at him. Jaechan does too, though he looks a little bemused. 

“You heard me,” Sangbin can feel heat creeping up his neck as he awkwardly pulls Jaechan beside him. “He’s my baby.” 

Eunki picks up a pillow and hits Sangbin over the head but he looks like he’s trying to not smile.

 

Sangbin is serious about not rushing into anything, but he has to endure very awkward shopping with Jaechan because Jaechan has never bought condoms before and Sangbin thinks he actually might die because Jaechan isn’t discreet and just wants to ask him about flavored lube in the middle of the pharmacy Sangbin always goes to and Sangbin figures he’s going to have to change pharmacies because there’s no way he’s willingly stepping foot in here again after Jaechan asked him with the most innocent expression if chocolate flavored lube actually tastes like chocolate.

Despite Jaechan’s interest, Sangbin insists they don’t need to have sex and is very serious about not making Jaechan feel like he needs to. The consequences of making Jaechan feel pressured made themselves apparent last time, and Sangbin doesn’t want to repeat his mistakes. Even so, Jaechan likes to push his buttons because he feels emboldened. Sangbin can only assume that Jaechan likes being his and he doesn’t need to play overly shy or coy because everyone thinks they know how Sangbin is, so Jaechan has started teasing Sangbin in earnest when they’re out in public. 

Jaechan’s flirtatious exterior does fade away when they’re alone because Jaechan is still inexperienced and self-conscious, but he knows Sangbin isn’t going anywhere so he relaxes more under Sangbin’s exploring hands. Maybe relaxes too much, because when Sangbin carefully runs his hands over the backs of Jaechan’s thighs and kisses his neck, Jaechan moans. Sangbin gets distracted because oh that was loud and Jaechan’s face is rapidly changing colors. 

“Oh god oh god oh god someone heard me everybody heard that oh my god they think we’re in here having sex…” 

Sangbin muffles his laughter in the crook of Jaechan’s neck even though Jaechan hotly insists there’s nothing funny about the situation in fact it’s mortifying and all of his neighbors must think he’s a floozy. 

“Pretty boy, if anyone thinks that, they’ll have me to answer to, won’t they?” 

“Well, yes, but…”

Sangbin rolls on top of Jaechan who squeaks as Sangbin kisses him. “Then you don’t have to worry about it. Hyung will take care of them for you.” 

 

Sangbin wakes up to Jaechan’s peaceful sleeping face and his heart swells. He peppers small kisses on his face until Jaechan stirs awake with a giggle. 

“Morning,” Jaechan murmurs shyly. 

“Good morning, beautiful,” Sangbin rumbles as he catches Jaechan’s lips in a kiss. “Can I make you breakfast?” 

“Sure.” 

Sangbin is setting up the coffee pot in the kitchen when Hyunwoo comes walking in with a brown paper bag. “Hey there, Jaechannie,” Hyunwoo nods at Sangbin. “And you, boyfriend hyungnim.” Hyunwoo reaches into his bag and places a milk bun in front Jaechan. “I got you one, they’re really good.” 

Sangbin leaves the coffee to drip and sits beside Jaechan. Just before Jaechan’s about to take a bite of his milk bun, Hyunwoo sinks his teeth into his own and lets out a loud moan. Jaechan’s face reddens immediately and Sangbin can’t help but snort in disbelief. 

Hyunwoo licks his lips. “Jaechannie, you have to try yours, it’s so good.” He wags his eyebrows and winks. “It’s better than sex.” 

Jaechan hides his flushed face behind his hands. “Hyung!” 

Hyunwoo just laughs and waves as he waltzes out of the kitchen. Sangbin pulls Jaechan onto his lap to kiss his burning cheeks with a smile.

**Author's Note:**

> You can follow me on twitter @jy_kim8008 where I sometimes post sneak peeks of fics! Including this one! 
> 
> (also free jaechan from the vibe/whatever it's called now)


End file.
